[BeyondtheRainbow]

I think. The last 2 days all I've wanted to do is sleep, despite sleep being nearly impossible. But today I couldn't stay awake and I didn't take anything heavily sedating last night. So I'm guessing I'm on my way down fast. Or this is a blip and I'll be mixed again in a few days. Hard to know.

I called my dr and left a message today but it was late in the day so I'm sure she didn't get it. Hopefully I'll hear tomorrow, something. It wasn't the regular secretary so she wasn't tired of my messages and she sounded very sympathetic about my anxiety so I'm hoping that she'll effectively communicate to my pdoc.

Depressed probably would be the best thing that could happen before coming off the Seroquel which is likely to make me manic; it might keep things toned down a bit.

I just want to do this if for no other reason than I am tired of having all my clothes packed so that I have to do laundry repeatedly just to have clean pajamas.

But if I don't go in by next Friday I am going to be a pain in everyone's butt and refuse to go until the first of the month to maximize my medicaid benefits (I get benefits month to month after meeting a spenddown that is a huge percent of my income so I'll never meet it except if I'm IP and since it starts over on the first of the month it is not good to go in at the end of the month). Hopefully my dr will talk to me and hear that little tidbit of information soon.

[alincdytyourmeds]

Oh how I feel your desperation for I have never heard the phrase "depressed probably would be the best thing that could happen" My friend my prayers are with you. What I would give to not be depressed.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Right now depressed would beat mixed. I was diagnosed with severe mixed 3 1/2 weeks ago and I've been all over the place since (and for some time before). I cry randomly, I get mad randomly, I pout like a 2 year old, my anxiety is unbearable, the moods are everywhere, it's just not good. Sine going off my Seroquel is likely to cause mania and my manias are dysphoric and almost always turn mixed almost immediately it would be better to be depressed going into that than to start with a boosted mood. And really depression is generally the easiest thing for me to handle. Mixed and dysphoria aren't easy; depression sucks and I hate it too but it doesn't feel as pulled apart as the other 2. I get euphoria for about 2 days every 3 or 4 years so mania/hypo just isn't a good thing for me.

[Nammu]

I'm with you, depression no matter how severe is better than a mixed episode.

Sorry you're dealing with all of this. But you're very fortunate in that you have a pdoc that you have worked with for a long time and gets back to you. I only have a psych nurse and it can take a week to hear back from her, even if I'm completely paranoid and on the verge of psychosis. I've learned to just manage it on my own. It's hard, very difficult. I hope things work out for you.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Well, right now my pdoc is not getting back to me. We had some miscommunication (maybe because I was so mixed in December??? but it happened in November too so I'm not sure) and I've been trying to sort out what is happening for 2 weeks now. And while I did hear from her once it was only to find out that nothing had happened when what I had heard in Dec. was that I would be admitted by the next day at the latest. At that was Sunday and I've heard nothing since. So not so great with the responding right now. I know there are several reasons but I must admit I'm getting kind of fed up. She knows that this is causing unbearable anxiety and that I requested updates---and I suspect that she knows that she told me this would all be started last week.

She used to be incredibly easy to communicate with and then she has taken an administrative job and cut her caseload drastically and she's very hard to reach now. This was my 3rd message and I think 5th email in the last 2 weeks (I'm supposed to call if I email to direct her attention to the email) and the only answer I got was when I caught her on Sunday.

So not as fortunate with that as I could be. I'm pretty sure this could have been taken care of by now easily if she'd worked on it. And since I have no scheduled appt. this month I don't even really have time to complain.

But overall she's more than I could ever expect in a pdoc so I shouldn't complain, it's just really hard that I NEED to do this and have needed to for months (I told her in November that I wanted to get past Christmas and at that point I wanted to go IP as soon as possible because I was at the end of my ability to tolerate this). And now we're 3 weeks after Christmas, nearly 2 weeks after when we agreed to go in and I'm waiting.

And I'm not handling it well. It's big and scary and I have been in bad shape for a year and I just need to get this over with. I would have chosen to just do it at home and take forever if I knew it was going to be like this even though that way has serious problems. At least then I could go in through the ER if needed.

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Well, right now my pdoc is not getting back to me. We had some miscommunication (maybe because I was so mixed in December??? but it happened in November too so I'm not sure) and I've been trying to sort out what is happening for 2 weeks now. And while I did hear from her once it was only to find out that nothing had happened when what I had heard in Dec. was that I would be admitted by the next day at the latest. At that was Sunday and I've heard nothing since. So not so great with the responding right now. I know there are several reasons but I must admit I'm getting kind of fed up. She knows that this is causing unbearable anxiety and that I requested updates---and I suspect that she knows that she told me this would all be started last week.

She used to be incredibly easy to communicate with and then she has taken an administrative job and cut her caseload drastically and she's very hard to reach now. This was my 3rd message and I think 5th email in the last 2 weeks (I'm supposed to call if I email to direct her attention to the email) and the only answer I got was when I caught her on Sunday.

So not as fortunate with that as I could be. I'm pretty sure this could have been taken care of by now easily if she'd worked on it. And since I have no scheduled appt. this month I don't even really have time to complain.

But overall she's more than I could ever expect in a pdoc so I shouldn't complain, it's just really hard that I NEED to do this and have needed to for months (I told her in November that I wanted to get past Christmas and at that point I wanted to go IP as soon as possible because I was at the end of my ability to tolerate this). And now we're 3 weeks after Christmas, nearly 2 weeks after when we agreed to go in and I'm waiting.

And I'm not handling it well. It's big and scary and I have been in bad shape for a year and I just need to get this over with. I would have chosen to just do it at home and take forever if I knew it was going to be like this even though that way has serious problems. At least then I could go in through the ER if needed.

I'm really sorry this is so challenging. Just remember that you will get better, you will...

It does baffle me tho bc until I feel like I can trust you guys and even then I wouldn't be able to write out what I'm going through in a depression. Never mind a mixed state! But we all communicate differently.

I hope you hear from her soon.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I live in these states. I am almost never not mixed or depressed. If I couldn't write then I wouldn't be able to write.

Everyone's bipolar is different and everyone's ability to function is different. For many years while I was working my pdoc said that for as severe as my bipolar is I was the highest functioning patient she'd ever had. My doctors consider this to be very severe overall because I don't have a baseline and am typically mixed to some degree or another. Moderate mixed is my baseline dx.

Don't be fooled by what I can or can't do. It doesn't mean that I'm not as diagnosed "severe mixed" or whatever else. It's not fair to me or to anyone on here who can do this. Since it's generally something ugly I am used to functioning in those states. But I fight very hard to maintain certain things no matter how bad it gets. I'm able to do that. I post by writing a lot and editing heavily. But it still shows; I post long rambling posts way too often. Posting is important though b/c it is contact with others. So I fight for it.

I appreciate the good wishes. I hope that I get better. Clozaril is my best chance that this point. I just have to get on it. It's been so long since I felt good for even a few days in a row that it's hard to remember that it can happen and last. It's been a while.

I'm just ready to get started. I turned 40 about 2 hours ago and I REALLY wanted to be in the hospital getting better for my birthday. Something about the symbolism of a new start. But not happening. Oh well.

I should elaborate. I'm coming off zyprexa right now. I went off it way too fast and had rebound symptoms. There is no way I'm going back ip. Our hospitals suck and you just get burnt out pdocs nm all the mistreatment from the nurses. And I'm in Washington state! You're really lucky to have a ip you feel safe at bc I sure don't. Every time I get mixed my family wants me to go ip. As long as I have risperdal or zyprexa I will just do it on my own. Ip sucks where I'm at!

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I live in these states. I am almost never not mixed or depressed. If I couldn't write then I wouldn't be able to write.

Everyone's bipolar is different and everyone's ability to function is different. For many years while I was working my pdoc said that for as severe as my bipolar is I was the highest functioning patient she'd ever had. My doctors consider this to be very severe overall because I don't have a baseline and am typically mixed to some degree or another. Moderate mixed is my baseline dx.

Don't be fooled by what I can or can't do. It doesn't mean that I'm not as diagnosed "severe mixed" or whatever else. It's not fair to me or to anyone on here who can do this. Since it's generally something ugly I am used to functioning in those states. But I fight very hard to maintain certain things no matter how bad it gets. I'm able to do that. I post by writing a lot and editing heavily. But it still shows; I post long rambling posts way too often. Posting is important though b/c it is contact with others. So I fight for it.

I appreciate the good wishes. I hope that I get better. Clozaril is my best chance that this point. I just have to get on it. It's been so long since I felt good for even a few days in a row that it's hard to remember that it can happen and last. It's been a while.

I'm just ready to get started. I turned 40 about 2 hours ago and I REALLY wanted to be in the hospital getting better for my birthday. Something about the symbolism of a new start. But not happening. Oh well.

Omg happy birthday!!!

It will happen, I promise. You won't always feel this way. Our cycles change, it will change!!! Happy 40th I'm 41. welcome to the 40s...Lol.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

That I am lucky for. My pdoc is 2.5 hours away so it's certainly not local but that hospital system has one of (the only?) mood disorder units in my state. Which is as good as a locked unit gets, minus not having any outdoor time which gets hard with longer stays since the unit is small. But it has a computer and a Wii and everyone is generally not terribly sick (I'm usually the worst b/c I'm usually the only bipolar so I'm the only one cycling all over while meds are changed). This time I am probably not going to that unit but to a 6 bed transitional unit. Patients are not terribly ill but not as high as mood disorders. There is no computer which is probably not a bad thing given how I'm likely to be. I will miss my familiar nurses and staff. But I may not even be well enough to be on the usual unit anyway or I may wind up there as a surprise. Hard to know. But yes, I couldn't ask for better hospital experiences. I also may be going to a general unit and I have no idea what that will be like. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

If you can get to a university hospital or a teaching hospital I highly recommend those as you'll typically get the best IP care at those.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thanks. It was weird; I do surveys to earn extra money and did one about 12:30 and had to answer 40 for the first time. Whole different category than ever before.

I'm pretty much ignoring it and celebrating when I feel better. My mom and I are getting pizza tonight but otherwise just aren't making a fuss. I want to have a little party with my nieces when I'm well enough but right now it wouldn't be fun so we're delaying.

Originally Posted by rose1985

Omg happy birthday!!!

It will happen, I promise. You won't always feel this way. Our cycles change, it will change!!! Happy 40th I'm 41. welcome to the 40s...Lol.

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

That I am lucky for. My pdoc is 2.5 hours away so it's certainly not local but that hospital system has one of (the only?) mood disorder units in my state. Which is as good as a locked unit gets, minus not having any outdoor time which gets hard with longer stays since the unit is small. But it has a computer and a Wii and everyone is generally not terribly sick (I'm usually the worst b/c I'm usually the only bipolar so I'm the only one cycling all over while meds are changed). This time I am probably not going to that unit but to a 6 bed transitional unit. Patients are not terribly ill but not as high as mood disorders. There is no computer which is probably not a bad thing given how I'm likely to be. I will miss my familiar nurses and staff. But I may not even be well enough to be on the usual unit anyway or I may wind up there as a surprise. Hard to know. But yes, I couldn't ask for better hospital experiences. I also may be going to a general unit and I have no idea what that will be like. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

If you can get to a university hospital or a teaching hospital I highly recommend those as you'll typically get the best IP care at those.

The teaching hospital is like 4 hours away. For me it's just best I do it on my own. The hospitals around here suck that badly, lol.

I put on some cranberries, get out my lavender essential oil and take either zyprexa or risperdal. It's very hard but I'd rather that than the hospital. And I can smoke. No hospital around here has internet. And they take all electronics....

You're lucky in a lot of ways.