[BeyondtheRainbow]

I saw my therapist today. We talked again about my appearing not that bad to him, that I'm keeping up with conversation ok and don't have any glaring symptoms. I'm hiding this from him and we talked about why. Why is that if I lose control it is going to be very bad. I can't do that. I let myself a little bit at home alone but not really to the extent I feel things are out of control.

The end result is that I now feel like I'm faking. I feel like I'm being left to wait so long because I'm handling things ok. But I'm not. Yet to anyone's eyes I would seem to be ok. Not great but not nearly the way I feel right now.

This makes me wonder how much my psychiatrist realizes about how I'm doing. My mom thinks she thinks I'm doing ok and isn't worried about me and so things just keep drifting. I want to send her an email that says I am not ok. But I think I've done that. I may need to do it again. I don't know. I don't know why repeating myself would help. I don't know what I am going to do that is going to get anyone to know how I feel all the time. Opening up to my therapist would be a good idea but I'm so afraid that if I let myself cry for real, not cry the tears that are born of cycling, that I would never stop.

I don't trust myself. I don't even know how I feel anymore. Maybe this is normal and I'm being a baby. Maybe this really is no big deal. Maybe I'm fine on Seroquel and just need to learn to accept that this is my life.

I just don't know......

[crescent_moon]

I don't let myself cry in therapy appointments for the same exact reason. I let the tears flow today but not the cry that gives any relief when I'm done. Does your psychiatrist really understand that you're just not doing ok? We can all put up a front to appear fine on the outside but on the inside we are LITERALLY screaming for help. As hard as it is to open and honest with your therapist try letting it out a little at a time. If it all comes bubbling out so be it. It'll do more good in the long run. I know telling someone things like this is so much easier said than done. I've been there. Today happens to be one of my good days so I'm feeling like I can be a little helpful to others.

About your mom... do you think she just chooses not to hear you?

[BeyondtheRainbow]

This is a specific situation. I am waiting to be admitted to the hospital to go off of one medication and onto another. I've been really in bad shape for a really long time. There's a mess with hospital staffing and the admit is taking forever (I was supposed to be in there a month ago).

Usually this isn't an issue with my therapist at this point; he's been part of my life for 10 years and I'm pretty relaxed with him but right now I'm really not well at all and need to hold it together to get through until I'm admitted.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with a severe mixed episode the last time I saw her. I don't know how much more clear it can be. Although thanks to the intended admission I've also not seen her in a long time. I'm working on that again tomorrow.

It's just a mess.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Oh and my mom is fine, what I meant was that she thinks my pdoc is letting me float because I'm not coming up with wildly dangerous symptoms.

[crescent_moon]

Oh ok. I gotcha. I misunderstood, sorry about that. That's so unfortunate that you haven't been admitted yet and I'm sure extremely frustrating. I hope you can get the hospital stuff straightened out as soon as possible. Are you going through another mixed episode right now you think?

[BeyondtheRainbow]

It hasn't stopped. I've been mixed or depressed, mostly severely, for 13 months. I don't think it ever will stop until they get this med change done because it's my AP that's not working and that's my main med.

[crescent_moon]

Oh no, that's such a long time. Kudos to you for not losing your **** thus far. You are one strong person! I don't understand why it's not an urgent matter to the people that aren't suffering

[BeyondtheRainbow]

It's just complicated on their end. My dr needs to coordinate with a hospital dr b/c the admission isn't typical and needs to be a direct admit which means they have accept me as a direct admit. The problem is that they are down a dr. at the hospital and it seems nobody has time to read my chart. I'm trying to write an email to my pdoc explaining that I'm having a very hard time and feeling very alone but she knows. I have emailed and called once a week for weeks now. I get an update in return but it's not bee anything helpful for a few weeks. I'm just tired of it tonight.

[crescent_moon]

I'm sorry I can't be of more help or comforting at least. Please keep me updated on the process. I'm here if you need anything

[wildflowerchild25]

I do the same thing. I present so well no one can tell what's going on in my brain. Even when I was a psychotic mess I still had my game face on at work, until it all bubbled over. It was like my brain compartmentalized. There was the sick part and then there was the functional part. It's a blessing and a curse.

[WindTherapy]

This is totally me...so much so that I found myself doubting anything was actually wrong and thinking I was making it all up. I feel for your situation. It sounds like the med change is the right course of action...hang in there!