It is what it is

Pnurse thankfully did not recommend inpatient but I am starting the partial hospital program again. At first I didn't want to but I need to take time off work and it's not good for me to stay home by myself right now so I guess I'll do partial. I'm starting today. I chickened out and didn't mention emsam. They're recommending ECT again. I might do it. Because I know for sure it will work. So we'll see. I feel much lighter knowing I don't have to deal with work for a couple of weeks. That was a major stressor. I haven't informed my principal yet. Like I said I just don't care if they fire me. I might quit anyway.

I get to see my therapist from last time in PHP. I really like her so I'm glad I get to see her. I missed her.

We've done a safety plan so I won't have to go ip. I might end up there anyway if I do ECT again but I'm glad they worked with me this time. My old pdoc would have called the cops the moment I said "suicidal".

I hope this will help.

Hugs, wildflower. I hope you start feeling better soon.

Hope you get fast relief,,

Glad you don't have to go IP, Take care of yourself!

You seem at peace with this and that's good. I hope time off work is helpful. I remember a few times when being taken off work felt like I was already getting better just knowing I didn't have to deal with all that for a while.

Your PHP was pretty helpful last time wasn't it?

It sounds like this is a good plan for you. Keep us posted!

Yes the PHP is helpful every time I've used it. Although at this point I've had most of the groups multiple times so it's a bit boring. Still, when there's process time, it's nice to have a place to go to talk about what's going on.

I'm just not sure what to do about ECT. My mom says we'll figure it out if I have to do it again. Because last time my mom could take me and my grandmother could pick me up but my mom is working this time. And my grandmother can't leave my grandfather, who has dementia now, alone. So I don't know how I would get transportation. And honestly it would mean another three months off work, another round of memory loss and cognitive functioning loss, just another bunch of ********. And it may not even work in the long term without doing maintenance treatments.

I want to bring up the emsam but I keep losing my nerve. I don't know why I find it so hard to advocate for myself. Maybe next time I see the nurse. Should be sometime this week or next. She's the one contacting the hospital about ECT. She said I could do it but I know in my condition I don't have the energy to make phone calls.

It's only been a week of this utter despair and hopelessness and only two months of depression but it feels like it's been going on forever.

I just don't know what to do.

Is there a pdoc at the PHP? Maybe you could talk to him about Emsam. He's probably going to be more comfortable with it than a pnurse. That's the trick with MAOIs, finding providers comfortable with using them.

You don't have to decide about ECT today. I always want to figure everything out before it happens but it's really not helpful. I've had a suitcase on my couch for a month to prove this....

I think you'll know what is right when the time comes.

I actually enjoyed PHP a few months ago. I hope you have a similar experience and feel better. You definitely deserve to. Please take care

You are def. not alone, hope you feel better asap!

HUGS

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