[festidump]

I´m so scared of going manic I think I´m set on a long, bleak journey of depression.

I´m so scared of getting all uppity and getting into trouble that I can´t even contemplate allowing myself to be happy or allow myself to relax and be in the moment.

To explain - I´m a singer / dancer in a duo. My partner in the duo has years of experience, has worked with Tom Jones, Suzanne Vega, has had hit songs in the UK and across Europe and I have little formal training but have worked hard to get where I am.

When I¨m manic, the audience is lucky to see me on-stage, they are privileged. My duo partner needs to work harder to catch up to me even though vocally she could run rings around me without breaking a sweat. This obviously causes friction at work which would otherwise be interesting and fulfilling. Right now in a depressive state work is mundane and I´m going through the motions in order to pay the rent. I´m waiting for someone to realise I´m a fraud and laugh at me. However, I can manage to pull it off right now.

Family wise - depression protects them, I hide from them, I withdraw so they don´t need to "put up" with me. Mania - creates a whirlwind in the house, turmoil and long term problems.

Safety wise - Mania makes me drive fast and take risks. Depression protects me.

Etc. etc. etc.

My question is. Can fear of a manic episode affect soooo much that "normality" is a fallacy as depression is a comfort blanket?

Just curious to know others opinions

[theenemywithin]

I understand it is difficult not to be concerned or afraid of what might happen in the future and with bipolar there is a degree of uncertainty. Each of must do the best we can to ensure our stability. If you commit to doing the best you can, at all times, stop being afraid of a future that does not exist and live each moment in the present, maybe your fears will be resolved. You have no idea what might happen tomorrow, the next day or at some other time that has not arrived.

Is your fear realistic? Maybe, however, you cannot be certain. Is it worth living constantly in fear of an uncertain occurrence? If you do the best you can, with the resources you possess, you will not fail yourself and if you experience an episode, so be it. It is bound to happen at some time but living in fear of it, as you have experienced can have its consequences, such as anxiety and an avoidance of anything you may feel, rational or not, which may trigger mania and possibly many positive experiences and opportunities.

Do not seek comfort or security in depression or want to be in a hypomanic state, if you feel you function/perform better. The feeling can be intoxicating and some of us feel we function better but that is not always so. Stability is what we should seek, with a passion.

Yes, fear can affect you greatly, as do the negative thoughts you may be experiencing now. You might consider Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as a way to help you become more aware of and identify your irrational thoughts or find a book on the subject.

I know you can overcome anything you have a will to.

[festidump]

Thank you soooooooooooo much theenemywithin for your kind words. They are something I know I´ll come back to and read again when the same feeling over comes me. It really helped.

[wildflowerchild25]

Have you ever done any mindfulness training? You can look it up on google. It's basically doing exercises to remain "in the moment" and not get too caught up in anxiety about what could happen. It's a big part of dbt training.

When I was first getting used to this illness I was always examining my moods, looking for signs of hypomania. I have learned now through mindfulness that I can be happy and just be happy. It doesn't have to be hypomania or even lead into hypomania. I am still aware of my mood just in case it cranks too high but I enjoy the happy moments a lot more now because I don't worry so much.

[theenemywithin]

Your so welcome. We often deal with negative thoughts and were not raised with skills to deal with them. I have some practical experience with CBT and Yoga teachings to help me deal with automatic negative thoughts. "The Mindful Way Though Depression" may be a good place to start. Just look into the topic and find what you believe would work for you.

[xxblackrosesxx]

i agree with wildflowerchild25. mindfullness is really good exercise and helps calm you down and think a lot clearer and not to be afraid. its good to use in the morning before starting the day.