[BeyondtheRainbow]

I have now alienated a nurse.......oops. Last night I was upset about the Seroquel thing and complained a good bit. That was supposed to be resolved today. The dr. was putting back on a little bit more of it for tonight and I started Clozaril. But when meds came the order said my seroquel was for tomorrow. I think I snapped at her. As well as whined. But really, it shouldn't be so hard.......turns out this was a pharmacy error and taken care of quickly. But the nurse is now not so much my friend. But honestly? She knows why I am here. Everyone knows why I am here and that I am going to be experiencing some behaviors. I was reassured of this in group today. Lots of crabby thoughts too but those don't hurt anyone as long as I can keep my mouth shut. (other patients; I am not worried about the staff so much.)

Otherwise clozaril is giving me some blurry vision but definitely didn't make me sleepy. Tomorrow I go to 50 but I think I saw on the computer screen that it is 25 twice a day. I've still managed to be somewhat agitated tonight with it.

[Wanderlust90]

I wouldn't worry about snapping at the nurses. They do know why you are there & should expect some out of the ordinary behaviours. I can't stand nurses who patients have to tip toe around.

I would be refusing any meds until I was sure that they actually know what they are doing (residents are dangerous from my experience.) Demand the absolute best from them. I would want to sit down with my primary pdoc & discuss exactly how she is going to taper.

If you medication chart is in error, the orders MUST be corrected asap. Not the next morning because it's easier for them (seen this happen on a daily basis.)

Don't mean to sound negative. You don't need negativity from me, I just feel like you should be getting the best care possible.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Hi beyond. It's such a drag that we need to be on guard and advocate for ourselves constantly.
I'm glad you're so smart. I continue to pray for you every day that the seraquel monster can be appeased.
Apologize if you think you'll get better care. Manipulate the nurses. Give them compliments for no reason.
I've been in Real Estate Sales my whole life. As a broker I've often had people under me.
The old saying, you get more flys with honey than vinegar.
Continued good luck and success to you!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I got a roommate in the middle of the night, assigned by the nurse I annoyed. My irritability and paranoia say that this is a retaliation; she could have gone in with people leaving today or Monday. It just sort of makes sense to leave me alone at the moment since they expect me to stop sleeping soon. But whatever. I'll deal. I was awakened by the aide at full volume around 1 AM (right after I got to sleep) and so that wasn't great. The aide though was so great with my migraine that I shouldn't complain.

From this point on the residents won't make decisions, just recommendations. My dr. said the taper schedule depends on my response. Understandable but frustrating. Right now it looks like if I don't completely lose it I may get out faster than I'd thought but we'll see. It will be funny if this is one of my shorter admissions.

I'm off half the Seroquel. Weird things are starting. Dizziness during the night, a couple of brain zaps but they weren't full strength yet. Apparently those will probably be really bad.

Trying to decide if I want to nap or wait until the great expanse of nothing to do this afternoon.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Really, really agitated. Had first PRN. Spent group standing and moving. Sat for half and couldn't take it. Now it is weekend boredom until Monday. Unreasonably irritated by everything. They say everything I'm experiencing is normal. Nausea has started which I could do without but I have meds for it.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Oh darling. I feel for you. Can you get paper and pen and write a list, like every boyfriend you've ever had since high school. Or girlfriends. What you liked best about them.
I had real bad attacks like you're experiencing and relieved the symptoms a little by talking to a friend who talks non stop.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by Ocean Swimmer

Oh darling. I feel for you. Can you get paper and pen and write a list, like every boyfriend you've ever had since high school. Or girlfriends. What you liked best about them.
I had real bad attacks like you're experiencing and relieved the symptoms a little by talking to a friend who talks non stop.

Talking isn't good b/c I get irritated with whomever I talk to. Or if people are just talking. I'm paranoid which doesn't help b/c I keep thinking people are talking about me. Or that my roommate snuck in an electronic device because I kept hearing clicking. It was the nurse outside our room working on the computer. Or that the nurses confiscated my chapstick unreasonably. It was under my bed. I'm not really sitting still and doing much right now; this is the best it gets and I'm typing wildly incorrect words and correcting them now.

Yet another dr assured me that clozaril is strong and I think implied I shouldn't feel like this. But 1)paranoia 2) this is a dr my dr tried to get to treat me and didn't answer her email; he vaguely recalled it while talking to me 3) my own dr. knows me best and knows how I respond to meds. I think they are thinking "well 600 mgs is still a good-sized dose" but I haven't been on 600 mgs in 6 years because it doesn't. And my stomach is upset and I'm having some digestive issues which I read widely go with coming off Seroquel but which they aren't familiar with. Which makes sense as they probably don't see many people coming off it. They don't see many or see no private patients and so generally if they take someone off it's not as much as I was on and it is done mostly at home. But it's pretty widely accepted even coming off 200 mg all at once can make you feel sick so coming off 600 mg all at once is not surprisingly unpleasant.

Mostly I'm trying to keep anyone from seeing how irritable I am, especially when I'm irritated at something that has nothing to do with anything. Like that I'm mostly here with younger people who all get along. Last time I was here I was deeply involved with the "in group" and this time I have to put up with it. that's life. and it's ok. I just want to sleep. I actually can lay down for a little bit but not sleep. They increased my hydroxyzine dose though so hopefully my next dose will help more. I'd gone to the lowest possible dose because at home even that was really knocking me out but it is not a match for this agitation.

A little unclear on when my Seroquel is decreased again b/c the dr didn't remember off hand but whatever. I imagine tonight. If it is 100 mg/night then I'll be off it around Wednesday. I truly might get to go home next week after all. Depends on my response to Clozaril; there is a schedule in my medical record for titrating up to 200 mg over I think 5 or 6 days (I lost count when the nurse told me). Well, that would be hitting 200 mg on Wed. the same day I'm done with Seroquel if that guess is right so that makes sense. I'd love to be out of here sooner than anticipated. (obviously .

[wildflowerchild25]

I hope you settle down. Agitation is the worst. Hugs! I'm thinking of you!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Klonopin is helping now that I have paced until I am exhausted. My legs hurt.

We had a screaming fight between a patient and visitor a bit ago and that did not do my PTSD good. I hope that is over for good. I seem to only really struggle with yelling but that is a big trigger. Last time I was here yelling in the ER was an issue.

After Klonopin I managed to talk to my roommate for a while, although I was standing and bouncing a bit.

Still pretty cranky. But I'm going to be that way.

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

... Or that the nurses confiscated my chapstick unreasonably. It was under my bed...

At the BEST of times I'd totally flip my **** if anyone confiscated my lip balm! The mere thought of it gets me worked up.

Hoping things mellow out for you soon. Even when you know things are to be expected, it's still hard.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Doing a little better now. Accepting I'm here with a lot of people way younger than me that are very different than me and that I will become cranky with them. I am learning that I need to keep the anti-anxiety meds flowing and then I'm able to live on my bed with earplugs and a book. I'll probably be pacing again tomorrow until I've worn myself out again.

Grumpy nurse trainee tonight. Glad he isn't my nurse. He acted like a request for hydoxyzine was unreasonable. Oh well. Not my problem.

Hoping that tomorrow will be ok. I think I get less Seroquel tonight and then tomorrow I get more clozaril but not until night. I suspect I'll be using my Ambien tonight. Which is probably good to plan for b/c a solid night of sleep would be good.

Just miss my quiet, dark, middle of the country in a forested area house. And my kitties.

Thinking of you xo

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