[TryingToMoveForward]

Does anyone else carry something inside of them that they really, really desperately need and try to talk about? You try and people ignore you and brush you off while you're screaming for help but trying not to be obvious about it? Because you wouldn't want to call attention to yourself, in case people accuse you of doing or saying things just to get attention. But you really need help and wish you could physically sit with someone and cry on their shoulder.

I've been trying to talk about my problems, but its really hard. I can't express myself well.. I worry about scaring people off, or becoming too much to handle. I try desperately to word things in a non-shocking but still somewhat expressive way. But people usually don't get I'm calling for help and dismiss me. I had a dream about crying on my supervisor's shoulder, because he has been very supportive of me and open at work, I see him as a role model, almost like a big brother. He's one of the few males I would actually trust that much to touch me. But being a supervisor means we have to have a professional relationship. I really want to talk to him off the record, but I think it would make him uncomfortable and be inappropriate. I just wish I had someone to talk to. In person.

No one except a really good friend of mine knew I was suicidal and planning on Thursday morning. I broke and lost it. My emotional stability has been wobbly for months now. And this week was just the last straw. I couldn't handle life anymore. My other friends know I'm having a rough time right now, but they don't know how bad it got, or how bad it gets. I do complain a lot about my life, though I do talk about other things as well. I'm extremely good at hiding behind bland or ridiculous humor, and acting like nothing is wrong. I seldom talk about the really deep internal problems, the things I carry, with anyone. If people knew what was really going on with me, psychologically and emotionally, I think they would be shocked. People tell me I'm so charming, sweet, bubbly and darling. They don't see the dark, angry, bitter and hurting side at all.

Its like a closed chapter you never read to anyone. I mean, I say I'm biploar with a smile and a laugh. But they haven't the slightest clue what's going on underneath, as if there's no gravity to those words. Its so misleading. Maybe that's my problem. I'm very misleading. But we all have to put on a show to get through life.

[wiretwister]

a lot of us do ... this is a safe place to share ... not like face to face but can be comforting to just get it out ...

[TryingToMoveForward]

I don't have a lot of time to spend on here though. I tend to lose track of my posts or forget about them entirely. I don't interact with that many people, and not too many people interact with me. I'm sure they would if I had more time to be around this site.

[wiretwister]

you need to decide that your important ... maybe not time to post here ... but you need to spend time for yourself ... we all need me time ... to reflect, to find friends, to just learn who you really are ... it is possible to be to busy ... it's your life , you get to decide ....

Can you see a therapist ?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[TryingToMoveForward]

That is good advice wiretwister! I wish I was more organized, but my life is very hectic and stressful. Seems like I'm always running around. I have at least two appointments a week. I'm getting a lot of neurological testing done right now. Today was my day off, so I got a breather and bed rest because I'm sick. I literally almost collapsed at work last night, I was going down and grabbed onto something before I fell. That's how exhausted and dizzy I was. But since I already missed two days of work this week because of the MRI and getting a viral infection, I couldn't afford more bed rest. I can't pay all my bills as is.

Today was nice though. I didn't really do anything except go to Wal-mart and buy a very small Valentine's Day cake for my dad and I to share. Most of the day I spent memorizing songs and working on my vocals. I don't sing professionally, but I find it therapeutic and comforting. Knowing I'm not destroying other people's eardrums makes me sleep better. Today I sort of mastered "You Really Got A Hold On Me" by The Beatles, 1963 version and "Angels" by Robbie Williams.

I DO see a therapist. A new one. Thursday was my second session with him, but he is EMDR specialized. I've learned you can't depend on them though. I went a month and a half not seeing anyone from my clinic. Because of various reasons. Sick. Called off. Told me the wrong appointment time. Then when I did see her, she told me she was leaving and did a closing assessment. So I didn't actually talk to anyone for a good chunk of time. But I'm sure things will move ahead now. Its going to be interesting doing EMDR then going straight to work afterwards. I don't have a choice. When my emotions get triggered I just go into the back stock room and cry a little, then put on my happy face, return and sell shoes. This is one of those masks you have to wear in order to function. I brought in a box of tissues just so I could cry back there. LOL.

[gina_re]

Originally Posted by TryingToMoveForward

Does anyone else carry something inside of them that they really, really desperately need and try to talk about? You try and people ignore you and brush you off while you're screaming for help but trying not to be obvious about it? Because you wouldn't want to call attention to yourself, in case people accuse you of doing or saying things just to get attention. But you really need help and wish you could physically sit with someone and cry on their shoulder.

I've been trying to talk about my problems, but its really hard. I can't express myself well.. I worry about scaring people off, or becoming too much to handle. I try desperately to word things in a non-shocking but still somewhat expressive way. But people usually don't get I'm calling for help and dismiss me. I had a dream about crying on my supervisor's shoulder, because he has been very supportive of me and open at work, I see him as a role model, almost like a big brother. He's one of the few males I would actually trust that much to touch me. But being a supervisor means we have to have a professional relationship. I really want to talk to him off the record, but I think it would make him uncomfortable and be inappropriate. I just wish I had someone to talk to. In person.

No one except a really good friend of mine knew I was suicidal and planning on Thursday morning. I broke and lost it. My emotional stability has been wobbly for months now. And this week was just the last straw. I couldn't handle life anymore. My other friends know I'm having a rough time right now, but they don't know how bad it got, or how bad it gets. I do complain a lot about my life, though I do talk about other things as well. I'm extremely good at hiding behind bland or ridiculous humor, and acting like nothing is wrong. I seldom talk about the really deep internal problems, the things I carry, with anyone. If people knew what was really going on with me, psychologically and emotionally, I think they would be shocked. People tell me I'm so charming, sweet, bubbly and darling. They don't see the dark, angry, bitter and hurting side at all.

Its like a closed chapter you never read to anyone. I mean, I say I'm biploar with a smile and a laugh. But they haven't the slightest clue what's going on underneath, as if there's no gravity to those words. Its so misleading. Maybe that's my problem. I'm very misleading. But we all have to put on a show to get through life.

This is the story of my life to an extent. I spent my middle and high school years looking for my bff but never clicked with anyone. I've always felt like an outcast, but even the friends I do have now (I'm 33), I still don't have anyone I can completely be myself around. Each one gets a different version of me. I'm tired of trying to force that bff concept on people now, someone to be myself around and can help me through difficult times without begging and feeling needy. So I've put up a huge wall to not let anyone get too close to hurt me ever again. So I journal to let the intense feelings out (but I rarely go back and read them). It's exhausting..

[TryingToMoveForward]

Originally Posted by gina_re

This is the story of my life to an extent. I spent my middle and high school years looking for my bff but never clicked with anyone. I've always felt like an outcast, but even the friends I do have now (I'm 33), I still don't have anyone I can completely be myself around. Each one gets a different version of me. I'm tired of trying to force that bff concept on people now, someone to be myself around and can help me through difficult times without begging and feeling needy. So I've put up a huge wall to not let anyone get too close to hurt me ever again. So I journal to let the intense feelings out (but I rarely go back and read them). It's exhausting..

My bbfs always abandoned me so I quit letting people close. I know how that hurt feels. I don't have in person friends, I have online friends. I can't relax and be myself around people. Too much. Not my inner self. But I guess my coworkers are friends. I asked one to hang out once and he looked panicked so I've never asked anyone since. Its like nope not opening myself to that pain. I belong to an online roleplay community. That's where I have met my online friends. But I don't tell most of them when I am unstable. Or suicidal. I keep that to myself.

[Row Jimmy]

I drive around with my sunroof open in 20 degree weather. I close my eyes and walk into the rain with my head pointed to the sky. Why?

I've learned to let life come to me. Your personal "tag line" says in part to be uniquely you. Let life come to you, Sister TryingToMoveForward. That cake you bought for your dad is pure magic.

[TryingToMoveForward]

Originally Posted by Row Jimmy

I drive around with my sunroof open in 20 degree weather. I close my eyes and walk into the rain with my head pointed to the sky. Why?

I've learned to let life come to me. Your personal "tag line" says in part to be uniquely you. Let life come to you, Sister TryingToMoveForward. That cake you bought for your dad is pure magic.

I like to smile into the glow of a full moon and let the stars sparkle in my eyes.

My dad is about as sentimental as a doorknob. But if I didn't do something, we wouldn't have even acknowledged Valentine's Day. My parents don't have a romantic relationship, and don't believe in celebrating holidays anyway. If not for me tossing magic around, I don't know....life would be dull and boring.

A friend gave me that tagline. Another line my new therapist gave me was "Never be ashamed of who you are." But I'm not so good at that one. I was raised to feel shame. He gave me a new one last session, "You are safe." But I'm not entirely convinced yet. My parents do not make me feel safe, and unfortunately I have no option but to live with them right now.