[Wanderlust90]

I have to go back into my old work & ask for my old job back. Ill probably have to redo all the orientation & training.

I feel ashamed & embarrassed to return. I ended up quitting my job just before Christmas last year & telling them I'm going back to uni & doing this & that. Turns out I can't afford the course. So I'm not applying to work in the mental health area like I said I would. I'm too scared to push myself & go to another area (med/surg wards), I barely coped with the transition into the ED when I started in May last year, I don't plan on redoing that experience ever again. So I feel like at least I know this role & the people now, it's not as big of a leap to go back.

I haven't really sorted out my head like I thought I would so I can't return in full health with pride. I have to go back & beg for considerations so I don't have to do night duty or all afternoon/evening shifts. New pdoc will not fill out medical exemption form for night duties as he feels anxiety may be more to blame than bipolar, I quote "I do not see a clear cut bipolar disorder here." I feel that he needs to get his head out of his *** & move beyond only dx obvious BP1. I need to go back to see my old pdoc who originally dx me when I go home to visit soon.

I just don't know how to approach my manager who so far has been supportive but not with rostering. The roster is the main issue. Also I haven't been the ideal staff member & I'm not the most reliable so I don't get given many provisions. I'm not even sure if I will get my job back. & I have a mortgage to pay & no chance of obtaining disability payments in Aus. So my partner foots all the bills & is becoming less patient.

I don't even know how to explain this whole mess of confusion to her. I'm sure they will recognise how all over the place I am once I try to explain myself. & I always end up in tears.

[Keegan2015]

Why are you returning to a job that didn't work out the first time? Can't you find employment elsewhere?

[Wanderlust90]

Nursing is all shift work so it's the same problem everywhere unless you score a good rosterer or the roster gods love you. I don't have the experience or the current capacity to go work in the community or to take on roles like unit manager to enable me to do Monday-Friday early shifts. Mostly I left due to my own anger & confusion with my life, I ran away from any responsibility. I know how to do this job & I know the people, I'm not sure I could cope with the stress of going & starting a new job all over again. This is a pattern of mine. I ran away from the state & my first nursing job of 3 years, around a year ago now. Getting a new job most definatly didn't help.

I can't believe your pdoc won't write you a medical exemption note! Now THAT is crazy.
I would absolutely go back to your original pdoc so you can get that note.
And I relate to the embarrassment about going back to work. I worked part time and then was given a big promotion to full time last year. Unfortunately, that coincided with my severe manic episode and I wound up hospitalized twice in the first month of the job. Long story short, I told them that I had a medical issue that was making it impossible for me to work full time. I also explained that the odd behavior (I had hit the severe black of depression post hospitalization) was due to my medical issues. They allowed me to take a month and a half or so off and then I was able to return to my former part time position, which is what I'm doing now.
I had sooooo much anxiety around quitting the full time gig and asking for my part time position back, but it ended up working out perfectly. Sometimes the worry is worse than the actual event. I would figure out ahead of time what I wanted to say and then give your boss a call. I personally did not want to disclose my MH diagnosis so I made up that I was in the hospital for colitis and suffered from Crohn's disease. It worked like a charm and they were very understanding. HR never likes asking questions about medical issues so they won't pry (I live in the US but I imagine it's similar to where you are).
So yeah, first things first is get that note from your doctor. You can ask him to write it however you want to, my note didn't say any diagnosis.
As soon as you get that in place your golden. Even if your performance wasn't great in the past, once your boss knows that you were sick it's not such a big deal. People are generally understanding and you don't have to go into detail. I actually rehearsed the conversation with my mom prior to talking to my boss! My mom is actually a nurse administrator and hires people all the time so she knows all the ins and outs of this sort of thing, and she was the one that suggested the approach.

I just re read your original post and also wanted to say that remember, the worst that could happen is for her to say no. Then what? You look for another job. Maybe part time? You are, as stated, a skilled and experienced nurse, and there is always a need for nurses.
I really feel for you and just want you to know that it will work itself out. Everybody has their issues, people have babies, people get sick, etc etc.. Everyone hits hard times so you are not the first person to ask for their job back. **** happens.
They already know you and know that you know the job
And come to think of it, I did a similar thing several years ago where I quit saying I needed to go and take care of a family member but actually went to rehab. Three months later I came back and was hired by the same company, but different department (I'm a social worker). So yes, you can do it.
And even if you do have to do another orientation, it is much easier on the supervisor to hire someone who has already done the job. Good luck!

[Wanderlust90]

Yeh if I can get into see my original pdoc in the week I'm home I will. This new pdoc is older & very old school, whereas the other was younger & just got me the moment I walked in.

I feel that bipolar, regardless of type, makes rotating shift work VERY difficult & I don't want to put mine or my patients safety at risk. I had once actually taken medication from the hospital to OD with whilst semi delirious in the midst of a dysphoric hypomania & doing a night duty rotation. I have NO idea how the staff I worked with didn't realise something was horribly wrong, I worked with only 1 other nurse at a time.

Thank you for sharing your experience with me, it makes me feel somewhat less pathetic (I don't mean that you are pathetic at all, after I read this back I was like oops! I just meant that's how I felt but in reality my needs are not so pathetic at all). We really do need to do what's right for us & that's take care of our health.

My managers & a few co-workers are actually aware of my dx so I'm hoping that works in my favour. So far like I said with the expect ion of rostering, they have been very understanding & tolerant of my erratic behaviour, but they don't want to give me special considerations because everyone else will want the same. I'm asking for a lot really, doing mainly early shifts, minimal Lates & no nights. But when I'm doing days I get a real routine going & excel, I do not want to leave my very rewarding career due to this illness. An illness I was unaware I had when I began my training or my original employment 4 years ago.

Im seeing my therapist tomorrow so I will discuss this with him too. Thanks for your input!

[Victoria'smom]

Tell us how it goes.

[ColeM1100]

I really hope it all works out okay I work sometimes until 9 pm and that's very late I have no idea how you handle night shifts; so your right shift work is very hard on BP individuals

Your post really hit a note with me due to my being off work and then having to go back to work over and over it's really hard if I had to ask for my job back I would probably not do it because it's so hard, your brave to do that
and the fact that you are a nurse is awesome it must be a really rewarding and stressful job, best of luck!

[Wanderlust90]

Saw my therapist & he has had similar issues with unfair rosters with the same employer in which he left the job because of. This same employer is the government, so same rules apply to all positions in any public hospital in my state. Fantastic. So I'm getting strong feelings that I will be met with a fight. I might fight it for the sake of principal.

Anyway it could all turn out ok & they agree to the minimum required night duties for employment which is less than what most staff are doing. I would agree to this. Perhaps my original pdoc will write me an exemption. I'm stressing before it's even happened & I know this but I'm so fearful of what happens if I go in & they flat out say no. Do I find another job that will bring significant stress anyway as I have to reintegrate & learn a whole new job (because it couldn't be in nursing), or do I just suck it up & do the nights? I'm so worried about how I'm going to feel when that fact lands in my lap. I have minimal stability atm & I think stress is going to cause big problems & I don't want to hurt myself again.

[lotus027]

I can relate, very much, to your situation. I'm a nurse with BP as well. Nursing is more stressful than many people realize. Add bipolar disorder into the mix and it can be unmanageable. I have worked on a chaotic cardiac PCU floor for the last two years. After a recent manic episode, I suffered a complete collapse and I'm now on short-term disability leave.

I honestly don't know how I'm going to go back to the same situation, and not end up in the same circumstances that I'm in now. Have you considered nursing jobs outside of the hospital? Opportunities may be different where you live, but I'm going to look into a case management position. The hours are regular and you aren't overwhelmed with the demands of floor nursing. There may be other administrative jobs you qualify for, if you do some digging.

I wish you luck returning to work, and I hope you are able to get reasonable accommodations for your illness.

Side note: I sent you a private message, but I hadn't posted enough for it to go through. Feel free to message me. I find that talking to fellow nurses is helpful.

[Wanderlust90]

Thanks lotus. Sorry to hear you have been struggling.

I have considered other jobs outside of the hospital, I applied for GP nurse roles & was unsuccessful. Community psych is an option but I have no psych experience. District nursing service is an option but once again I have mimimal experience & don't know if I could tolerate learning a whole new role either. Getting a brand new job in a totally different area is like starting primary school again, I don't think I can handle the stress atm. Im petrified of become impulsively suicidal again.