I don't know what's going on!

For the second time I threw my meds out. All except the Lithium and Vitamin D supplements. I just feel so overwhelmed with mental illness. I cancelled all my upcoming appointments, and now I don't know what to do. I just feel like I can get better in my own with just me. Part of me is asking for hel, but the other part is fighting. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I just feel like I'm meant to be like this. I'm fighting an internal battle every day...

We all are. At least at some point in our lives. I'm on that same level of frustration with it (e.g., BP check in thread). But I'm glad for the support I get here and it helps to know I'm not alone in this fight. And that's what it really is...a fight with my mind for sanity. We'll get through it in time, even though it seems like it will never happen. As long as we put in the effort.

I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way. It is all too natural to feel there is an internal battle being waged. That is the nature of this beast. Sometimes, it is all out war and then after the war is over there may a few skirmishes that attract your attention but that shows you are paying attention, more aware, after a long battle.

You need to pay attention to recognize what you may have to work on. Bipolar I is not a disorder for couch potatoes. I know, I have been working on it for over 3 decades. I have had bad times but many more good times. The fight is worth it. Try to get back with your pdoc and tell them what is going on. If medication side effects are an issue, get them worked out and maybe some counseling to give you some more weapons to carry on the fight with.