[cashart10]

I saw my therapist this afternoon. I cried the entire time as though I am at the end of my rope. I am at the end of my rope. She asked if I am safe and if I need to go the hospital numerous times. When I assured her I was safe she asked how she could be sure. "I just am" wasn't acceptable. SOMEONE she insisted MUST be responsible for my meds. She encouraged me to leave the house at least once a day. I just don't know what to do with myself...having such a hard time. I don't believe there is a better in sight. I need hugs. I need words. I need someone to rip apart this veil and give me light. I need truth.

[Victoria'smom]

I hope you feel better soon.

[cashart10]

Thank you

[raspberrytorte]

I'm struggling right now too, cash. You're not alone. Hugs.

[ColeM1100]

Hi
I slept all day because I'm feeling the same way at the end of my rope
So your not alone!
Tons of hugs to you to make you feel better that's about the most I can offer except for take good care of yourself

[gina_re]

You're definitely not alone. Sometimes I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. But I'm trying really hard to stay sane. But we can get better and we will get better. Keep hope alive!

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I wish you'd get a break. Has anything helped you in the past when you've felt this down?

[Imah]

Sorry to hear how rough things are for you. I'm struggling with delusions and possibly psychosis. IDK- might be crazy or tuned into some big cosmic picture, IDK.

Hang in there. <3

[Ocean Swimmer]

Hi darlin! Love is all around. I read once, I looked at the trees and they loved me. I looked at the sky and felt love.

Please stay with us for support. We think you're great. You've helped me before. And you've helped many others with your kindness.

[violetgreen]

oh man! I sure can identify with where you're at. Last time I cried through my therapy appointment I left feeling like a stone, had a panic attack in driveway just as my daughter called, then my situation was outta my hands cuz my family rallied and some big changes were made. I was in a pit and it took others to yank me out. But I still felt like **** for awhile. I'm more sorted now. So it got better. Sorry you're in a pit now. I just found this place and I already like the community and do you feel it gathered around? You sound creative, are you writing, drawing, making music? Hope these words help!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

How is it going getting back on the clozaril? I know that cannot have helped things at all, especially since you were also sick and needing help with the suicidal stuff and also your brain dealing with all the other changes that should have been made slowly when you were established on Clozaril.

I'm glad you have this therapist.

Prayers.

[SamJam24]

Hi Cashart10, its been awhile for me since I've been in the boat of sorrows but those feelings still haunt me and I feel for you. Sending hugs and support your way!

One of the things that helps me to see out of my "bubble of doom" is to find ways to remind myself that my bubble isn't real. The realness of the world is outside the bubble; simple things like feeling grass under your feet, the color of the sun gleaming through the leaves of trees, these semi-nostalgic feelings that remind me of another time and another place away from my bubble. I don't know if that will help, but nature is a powerful thing and it's been proven time and time again that it's the most natural way to calm and relax yourself.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[hopeless2015]

Totally understand the struggle, hugs to you and hope you find relief soon

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[cashart10]

Sorry I haven't responded to any of you. I haven't been online much. I haven't done much of anything except cry and wonder what in the world I will do. I need to die.

[cashart10]

Thank you for responding to me though. I am so grateful for all of you!

[SamJam24]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Sorry I haven't responded to any of you. I haven't been online much. I haven't done much of anything except cry and wonder what in the world I will do. I need to die.

Hang in there! Feel free to share and release those thoughts and feelings :bearhugs:

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[BeyondtheRainbow]

How are you doing this evening Sarah? I'm worried about you.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

How are you doing this evening Sarah? I'm worried about you.

Last night I was still crying until I took my new med: I think it's called Mirtazapine (remerol) but I can't remember certainly and my husband has finally began locking my meds (this is a damn good thing). It knocked me out. Today was bad until noon when I made myself drink coffee and get up and do something. It is the first time in almost a week. My husband has been giving me a get out of jail free card this entire time and wants to take me on a date tomorrow if I am up to it. See, he isn't always pushy and nitpicky . Today, I actually haven't cried once. I also restarted my clozapine last night, thank God (I think this may have been a huge culprit of this episode). You have seen how depressed I can become but I honestly can say I don't think I have ever experienced this level of gloom, not ever.

Possible trigger:

I mean I wasn't sure I would make it though...I was almost sure I wouldn't.

This has been exhausting and scary. I hope I can recover quickly.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

How are you doing this evening Sarah? I'm worried about you.

How are you?

[cashart10]

Oh...and this is SO disgusting but when my daughter wakes up from her nap, I am going to actually take a shower (her with me--she's only two). As gross as this is to admit, I haven't had one since Monday. Monday. I haven't done anything except get my daughter and son on the bus and only because I have to do that.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Remeron was a really great drug for me for a long time. I honestly seemed to get some mood stabilization from it although that's not what it is for.And it was really good with the depression. I hope you get the same effects. If it keeps making you too tired the dose can go up which is less sedating even though it makes no sense.

I bet most of us have been there with showers. I certainly have and would have been probably worse if I weren't here with my mom who gets me to leave my house every day or so. Showering 4x/week was one of my goals on some activity IP.

I'm sure the clozaril situation isn't helping. i wish there were a faster way to get up to your dose. I missed an AM dose once this week (AM meds are really hard for me) and could feel it the rest of the day.

I'm ok. So far clozaril seems to be a good drug for me. But I'm taking it one day at a time and have been cautioned by my pdoc to stick to that. I'm just so happy to feel at all better that it's hard to not get excited, even though I have a lot of healing to do still. The hardest part is that I"m often so tired that it is hard to do very much. But we're moving my dose around so I should be less tired in the day (but which seems to increase the tiredness for now). I think the new dosing will be in place in 2 days. Amazingly I'm still having trouble falling asleep so I'm not sure what happens with that yet but my pdoc seems to have anticipated that so it will be ok. The only part I don't like is the drooling. I have a med to try for that but have been holding off so I'm not changing multiple things at once. The drooling is disgusting and uncomfortable. Ick.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

PS I'm glad your husband is helping you and that you are able to accept help. Those are good things.

[cashart10]

So the day started out horribly, albeit not NEARLY as horribly as it had been. I cried and either laid on the couch or slept all morning. But then, in the early afternoon, I actually got off of the couch, straightened up the house a bit and got on the computer. WOW! That is leaps and bounds better than it was. I actually feel like living might be worth it. I think a combination of not taking the new med and not having an antidepressant made the situation so terrible (and by terrible I mean terrifying, deadly, poisonous, and devastating). Frankly, I don't think I could EVER survive such a distressing and disturbing episode again. Never. It was petrifying.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm glad it was better. I hope that you get good rest and tomorrow is just a little better (or a lot but I'm trying to stay with small steady progress is best).

Take that shower and paint your toe-nails. Do something just for you. Try to nurture yourself.