Change of Heart.

A week ago I would have done anything to find something to go in my sleep.
I wanted a mistake in medication dosage, or combo that will send me home.

I would never do it myself.
1- My father did it. That is some of my trauma.
2- My kids will suffer with a very strange feeling. ( Like me.)
3- It won't necessarily be a success. I've seen what happens when people fail.
4- I'm chickenshit. I have the means, but not the guts.

Today, a week after, and 15 days on Lithium, I'm checking contraindications.
Trazodone has a red warning with Remeron. Serotonin Syndrome.
I ain't taking that. No sir. I want to keep on living!!!.
Nothing has changed. Funny how the human mind works.

I don't want people to suffer how I suffered and still do.

Best friend killed herself with a gun.
Fiancé killed himself with Coke overdose.
Dad pushed Step Mom down the stairs while she was in a wheelchair.
Coma then died.
My lover lost 250 lbs then gained it all back plus more, eating himself to death.

I've been sick with suicidal idealation. But was hospitalized before I could act. Probably won't ever do it. Belief that you go to hell if you kill yourself.

I'm sorry for your losses Ocean.
You have been surrounded by serious tragedy.
I feel your pain.

thanks pirilin, true that. it is a funny thing or interesting thing how the mind works.

I know the feeling pirilin, I've had suicidal ideation from as young as 6 years old. I always regret not speaking out earlier. I'm glad you looked at the situation rationally and had a change of heart.

Remember we love and support you Perilin.