What is going on!?!?!? Is this what mixed episodes are like?

I'm having a really hard time figuring out all my symptoms (which has been feeding my denial about my return to depression). One minute, I'll be devastatingly depressed; I'm consumed with hopelessness and the inevitability of this disease. I have a hard time fighting the ideation and feel like I want to make myself disappear - that I want all traces of me gone. That feeling scares me and is really painful. Then, within a short timeframe, I'll get the kitchen cleaned and 3 loads of laundry done.

I'll make a joke with someone on the phone in the afternoon, then that evening watch a comedy show online with my husband and hear myself laughing out loud when I know I should, but wondering inside my head why I can't have an actual, honest response of enjoyment or mirth (when I know I would find the jokes/situations funny otherwise).

I'll have a normal conversation with my husband when I get up in the morning and get my coffee, and half an hour later I'm super irritable and panicky with angry tone, pressured speech and rapid movements.

I can't trust how I'm feeling from one minute to the next, and I don't know how to handle it...what is going on!?

If anything it sounds like rapid cycling. But I'm no dr so I would ask you pdoc or T to get a answer.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I haven't been seeing my T lately - she and I wrapped up what we had been working on for a few years. I don't have a Pdoc. I had been hopeful after finishing up with my T and feeling like I could manage on my own. I could go back to her, I guess, by I'm not sure what I would accomplish talking this over with her.

You would at least get an answer and better understanding on what you're going through. Are you on meds? Why not see a pdoc? I would definitely see a pdoc for your BP. Who diagnosed you?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

To your first question, I am worried about going on meds. I haven't had luck with them in the past. The one pdoc I saw wasn't very thorough - asked some questions and wrote a rx for ADs. I think I saw him maybe twice, and the rest was quick over the phone. Honestly, I don't remember a whole lot from then...not even how old I was. I must have been in college maybe? Or late high school? I've had a few medical doctors rx ADs a couple of times since. The last time was awful - total flat/apathetic feeling. Even my husband agreed it was worse than the depression. And I know it can be a struggle to find the right combo, so the thought of going through all the ups and downs to get there is overwhelming. Plus, I'm freaked out by the idea of what the meds may do to my brain chemistry; even if they help, would they also be having some sort of permanent effect on me?

To your other two questions, my T was the first one to notice the hypomania symptoms - probably because I saw her weekly for 3 years. I'd never been under that much observation by the same person before. She noticed via observation, I think, then gave me a test. I know it's not an official DX, since she's not a pdoc, but once I started reading up on it, it made so much sense out of my life - so many things that have been struggles for me, but that I never considered were 'symptoms'.

I think I remember that BP has a genetic link, also, and my aunt has it (diagnosed). I'm pretty sure my grandfather (her dad), great aunt (his sister) and dad (same family) all had it, too, undiagnosed. I'll never know for sure, though, since they're all dead.

Anyhow, I'm scared to be medicated, and stressed at the idea of setting up another therapeutic relationship with someone. I went to my T for a specific issue at the time. Even though I told her what I was coming to see her for, it took me 8 MONTHS to feel comfortable enough with her to start talking about it (it was my dad's death, which happened 20 years ago - nothing like personal trauma related, etc.). I honestly don't think I have it in me to go through that process again, either financially or emotionally.

Well I would highly recommend getting a pdoc. And yes I understand your concerns about meds and yea you're going to go through some trial and error. But from my many years of experience and being on and off meds, nothing is worst then how I was being off of them. The trials you go through being on them is often if not always worth the feeling of stability. I owe my life to the pdocs (there's good and bad ones yes) that helped me through my mess I put myself through when I messed up and stopped my meds. And ADs often make BP worst... But not always. There's probably like, 3 that I can take. Imagine the pain I went through to find those three lol. And for me, the wrong ADs make me hypo. But hypo is often not worst then full on mania when you haven't slept in so long that you rather end it. Been there. So bottom line, from my point of view, meds aren't that bad. I would suggest starting out and finding the right pdoc that you are comfortable with. I can't stress how important having the right mental health team is. Start off with a diagnosis from then and then they can tell you your options med wise. If you ever have questions feel free to PM me. If you don't have the tapatalk app then let me know so I can go on safari. And you can always ask us on here about your med concerns to ease your mind. We may be loony but we don't bite lol.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I do not agree with the following statement that was made to me by my pdoc, But here it is. An actual mixed episode is rare. However, I do think you are referring to rapid cycling. If this is interrupting your life and causing you and others problems, I strongly suggest you find a pdoc. At least let the pdoc help you determine what is going on with you. Please do not think the problem will take care of itself. I do think you should get help in order for you to deal with what is happening to you.