Social

So me of the things my psychologist is recommending is that I become more social and have more social circles. Now I find it hard to trust people and only my 2 closest friends know of my diagnosis, suicide attempt and treatment. Sometimes at work I feel people suspect something but I don't think they can grasp the whole picture. So my question is how do I open up to strangers? She recommended meetup as a way to get out of the house meet people and maybe find a girlfriend. I just find it hard to talk to new people. So,either I'm open but other times I'm not.

How do you open up to strangers? By talking to them in non-stressful situations.... go out to Starbucks and decide to talk to 1 stranger and just say "good afternoon, how are you doing?" .... and make sure that it isn't the barista you say that to!

Meetup works well if you can hit it on a good day and a small group. I went to a Ren Faire that way, and it worked out nicely. No lasting friendships out of it, but a good memory.

In our town there are trivia meetups two or three times a week. I'm trying to get the courage to go visit one of these in order to be more social.

I have the same issues you do about getting to know people, and I'm working on it slowly.... it's not easy.

I think it helps to join an activity you're interested in. It's pretty easy to talk to people when you're both interested in the same thing. For example, if you join a biking club, you can talk to other people about bikes, trails, etc. and you can guarantee they'll be interested in talking to you about it. Then the conversation will gradually turn into: "How long have you been biking for? What other things do you like? Hey, want to hang out at my house then go biking?" etc. etc.

I think that's an easy way to be open. People are more likely to be your friend if you have common interests.

I wouldn't recommend bars or clubs. You're likely to meet someone there, but unless you and that person are both "regulars", it'll be hard to start a friendship since friendships usually take more than 1 day to form. At least with activities like biking or whatever, you'll see the same people over and over again.

Thanks this does make a lot of sense but it's hard finding activities that others do or like.

It could also be a BP support group.

Just two buts: you don't want to concentrate only on your problems, so if you meet someone nice there, get out of there to just talk casually about all sorts. Also be careful that you don't get romantically involved (for the time being, while building confidence (back) up) with someone who also has a borderline personality (I do, so I feel I may say so), because it can be explosive and really hurt any new-found confidence. In my experience, BPD that hasn't been attenuated by the years and insight can only be handled right by someone with at least some borderline personality tendencies. It will be explosive, but stuff cancels each other out as well. For people with social anxiety it can be traumatising without a BPD outlet: very debilitating at your first try. You might never try again.

If you are to go to a support group, maybe make friends with someone a bit older maybe with a bit later-onset mild, classical BP. Maybe someone with social anxiety themselves may also not be your best bet. But who knows.

You could even start by talking to strangers on public transport or on the street. Seriously, maybe have a good chat with someone who is homeless. They tend not to have many people being kind to them or that listen to them, while you might have more in common than you think (you having BP, this is not at all unlikely).

Good luck! Be sure to keep coming back here: we are your friends too.

How do I find a bp support group? I've tried online with no success.

I live on the other side of the pond, but I guess this might help you: Find a support Group - Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance

There are quite a few in NJ, from what I saw.

I have a very difficult time meeting people. I only have a few close friends, and not many acquaintances. I'm not very social except for being with one or two people. I am very uncomfortable in groups and tend to sit in the corner by myself.

Currently my two good friends are my neighbors, whose children are my child's close friends. I just happen to really like them as people.

I've found that people LOVE to talk about themselves, so when I meet people I usually ask lots of questions. This helps because I don't have to reveal much about myself and I generally find people interesting.The conversations are generally pleasant and as long as you can find things to ask about the conversation can go on for awhile.

Finding friends as an adult is really really hard. People often already have their own friends and are not interested in increasing their social circle, or are busy with their families.

If you're religious, churches can be good places to find groups to meet with. Book clubs. Even volunteering to teach English to new language speakers can get you in touch with others.

I remember lying to my therapist when I was in my early 20's because she kept pushing me to find friends, and I didn't know how. I made up friends so she'd stop bugging me about it. Maybe that was the wrong approach, but I was so depressed and trying to figure out medications and family drama that I didn't have the energy to spend trying to find people. Plus my self-esteem was crap.

My opinion is, don't push it unless YOU want to. If you do it just because your psychologist tells you to, it won't work.

Thanks for that link. I emailed a group near me hopefully they will contact me soon.

I have trouble meeting and talking to people too, but as was above mentioned, people love talking about themselves. It's great! Just keep asking questions and people keep talking. You can learn interesting things.

In my attempt to be more social I've been talking to people at work on my smoke breaks. I work later now and would usually go to the back of the building to smoke alone, but it's dark back there and my work isn't in the best neighborhood so it's dangerous. Anyway, so now I'm sort of forced to talk to coworkers.

Have you thought about talking to people at work? Maybe make some friends there?

Good luck and hugs!

The last therapist i saw two years ago pushed me to be social and make friends. But it's just not one of my goals. I don't have any friends and i don't miss them. I'm nearly 50 now and the other women i meet just want to go on and on about their grown kids and grandkids which i find so boring. I mean, their families are essentially people i do not know and will never know. Why would i want to hear all about them and all their news? They drone on and on and then look into my face expectantly, as if it's *my* turn now to tell about *my* family. Well, eff you, i don't have a family!

I do have an interest in making a Scrabble-playing friend but so far out of the three people i have asked all have rejected me. Most people say they are too busy. Whatever. I can get my Scrabble fix playing strangers online and in-person at my club. I have my dog and that's enough. I read the above post about making friends in a club and i never had any luck. In fact, one player complained to me recently about her 'crazy' relative who 'must be bipolar and doesn't even work.' HELLO!!! *I* have bipoar. *I* don't work. People are so ignorant!

This is a tricky question for me because I've already burned all my bridges with my MI's and isolating. And everything I do is wrong. So I can tell you what NOT to do! Everyone's suggestions are good for meeting new friends. Especially the one about a BP group. When I got out of IP, a t in there also ran a group outside of it for people with BP comorbid with addiction. I felt comfortable because everyone's stories and experiences were mine. Truth is, I was young and and dumb and not ready and I wanted a drink instead. Just being honest. I should of stuck with it. But I didn't. Story of my life. Now when you do meet people and are in the "getting to know you" phase keep it light and allow them time to ask questions too. And keep interested with what they have to say. Do NOT disclose any MI. Don't do it! And definitely never do it at work! It's been so long since I've had a group of friends that I get excited around new people. I trust them right away. And I'll mention my anxiety. No big deal right?? I trust these ppl! They like me! Wrong! Now all those people are wondering what else is wrong with you. Wondering what they shouldn't say in front of you ect ect. I guess my BPD comes out and I just want acceptance and love and care and "no don't leave me!" See how exhausting I am? And that's why I don't have friends anymore. No one wants to hear about your problems. And even when you do call them "friends", still tread carefully. Stay interested in them. And you're not always going to click with everyone in the group but that's ok they're a nice person, so are you, stick to acquaintances and nurture the ones that do grow. Then maybe trade numbers. Text every now and then. Not too much! And not during a breakdown. Not yet.

Ok I'm not helping at all lol. You're getting great answers already and you'll get answers in the relationships and communications section on this forum too if you want to ask there as well. This topic and question comes up often there. Good luck!

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I think the support group or club were good suggestions. I'd also consider taking a class of something your interested in. Community recreation centers sometimes have good ones for cheap. Or get into community theater.

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RxQueen, I am sure you can find friends that are at least enough like you or just, I don't know, wise and intelligent enough so you can be open about BP.

The best friends one can have are on the other side of bridges that can take some fire damage. You may find that especially those who know how to really burn bridges themselves might be on the other side of those.

What Nietzsche said: "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". It works the same for the best of friendships.