Ambivalence about Facebook

This is more of a brainfart than anything, but with some serious undertones.

I got into using FB only about a year ago: I'm 58, don't know how to use the dvr, just learned about Netflix on my iPhone, just got an iPhone 2 Christmases ago... basically I'm still in the 20th century.

Anyway, I got into FB because I found a cousin on Ancestry.com I didn't know I had while doing Ancestry.com research. She persuaded me to join FB. Now, you must understand that I'm more than a bit of a loner, what with social anxiety and a touch of Asperger's.

Bit by bit I'm finding more relatives, and even classmates from grammar school in the 1960s. It's fun making silly posts back and forth, no drama or anything like that. Just adults having fun like kids.

OK, so what's the problem? Understand, I've never ever in my life been a jealous or envious person, so this is not grounded in jealousy or envy as we usually think of it. I see the family pictures of all these people, I see the jobs they hold, that they are now grandparents, what they've accomplished, and so on and I'm beginning to compare myself and my life, and feel "inadequate"... OK, I feel like a failure.

The ambivalence about FB is that on one hand I am glad to be part of the world, so to speak, "meeting" all these people. Yet I am embarrassed of my home (it's a mess), my financial situation (there's no number small enough to represent my credit score, therefore fixing up the house is out of the question, not to mention the mortgage being so far behind), that I am socially awkward, and am not a good speaker (I write better than I speak), and so on.

Every choice I've ever made has been just that, a choice, and my choice... mistakes and all. I blame no one for anything. But I can't shake this feeling of being, in plain English, a loser. FB has been great for finding people I lost contact with, or relatives I never knew about, but sometimes I think it might have been better to have stayed under my rock.

Um, you shouldn't even post pictures of your home, especially if it can be identified where it is, on facebook because it's NOT SAFE. And seriously, nobody wants to see pictures of your home. I blocked people who post too much of pictures of their bed room decos, their FANTASTIC AND HEALTHY FOOD and AMAZINGEST KIDS.

Facebook is what you make it. You post what you want... of course then some things nobody cares for lol. I try to post stuff that my circle of friends might be interested in and not too much of indulgent ****.

And as for where you are compared to them... there is always somebody better than you. That is life. It's important you are satisfied with what you got. I had that period of being jealous of others. But then life got so busy I have no time for that.

I think it's important not to compare yourself to other people on Facebook. Facebook does not always represent reality. (Same thing with Instagram, Twitter, etc..) For example, if you took a photo of yourself, would you put it up on Facebook if it looks awful? Probably not.

People always want to make themselves look good on the internet, so they're only going to post "the good" and rarely (if ever) post "the bad". Anyone can clean their house, take a photo, and upload the photo to Facebook. Does that mean their house is always clean and nice? Not necessarily. Also, anyone can spend endless amounts of money on expensive things. Does that mean they can afford it? Not necessarily. Some people are very poor with money management and they only care to show off.

I just think you need to consider those sorts of things. Logic your way through it.

No one's life is perfect, and like venusss said, there will always be people better than you. Don't fret!

No, I don't do that. I post few pictures. What I mean is that if it ever comes down to people visiting back and forth, I'm not sure how I'd handle it.

You're right, and I try to tell myself that. I try to remind myself that whatever my house looks like, at least I have a roof, a job and food to be grateful for.

That's all very true. I'm not sure how and why I got caught up in the comparing.

I think it's easy to get caught up in comparisons, so don't worry. I used to get caught up in that stuff when I was younger, too. It bothered me a lot at first, but then I realized most of the stuff on Facebook didn't reflect reality. A lot of people there are fake... which is a real shame. I prefer to be true to myself.

Not sure how about the USA, but here it's actually a hip and rad thing among some circles to have messy place, because you are not boring to be cleaning all the time. Messy place means your life is too busy and full of hobbies and important things to be running around with a vacuum cleaner and duster like some Stepfort wife.

Somebody onces said: "If somebody is gonna judge me because my home is messy... they are not a person I want to have over in my home".

I semi-closed my acc.
All I do is read about sports and music artists.

I pulled back from Facebook and de friended or removed posts from my feed for a lot of people. I didn't know most of them that well. There always smiling happy faces and arms thrown around friends bothered me.
Do I think they are really that happy? Nope.
Frankly I have bigger things to deal with than waste time snapping giggly selfies all the time. The few people on Facebook I do know well. Their lives are nothing like their feed. Everyone edits what they share, before they share it. I wasted a lot of time online before I realized I had to get out and meet actual people in real time settings to make any real connection.

I totally get where u are coming from, I am 59 and I believe it is the age that is a factor in this.

I know for myself I am looking back at my life, and looking at what I accomplished and what I didn't. Sometimes with regret, sometimes not.

So finding people on facebook that accomplished some of my goals, or did things I never did and never will gives me a jealous, and envious feeling.

I just feel like as we grow older this will become more of a factor.

I am 56 and got off FB. I found it shallow and annoying.
My daughter (28) also closed her account. She was sick of seeing engagement rings and new babies.
It's depressing even though we have a very good life.

Thanks everyone. Actually I might feel better if everyone there (FB) were shallow and critical, but it's me who is judging myself and being critical. It's true, I have to stop doing that to myself.

I hear you. I'm a lot like you. I have social anxiety and bipolar disorder type 2. I'm 62 and still figuring it out. Thanks to my career (accounting) I'm computer literate. Since I went on disability 3 years ago I find I'm falling behind on technology very quickly.

I too met a lot of distant and not so distant relatives on Facebook when doing genealogy in 2010 and 2011.

I believe that most people try to put their best foot forward on Facebook and hide the not so good stuff. One of the most depressed people I have ever known had a smile on her face every time I saw her. It took years of friendship before she opened up. So I think that what you see on Facebook is some people trying to make themselves feel better by telling good stories. Stories like "I'm so rich I bought a brand new house and car". The truth may be that they are in debt up to their eyebrows and living paycheck to paycheck. It's human nature to tell only good stories about yourself and hide the not so good stuff. It's human nature to compete and try to keep up with the Jones's. I chose to opt out of those behaviors. And now I realize that some people are truly happy all the time and have good things happen and I'm glad for them. I wish I knew their secret but I think my problem is messed up brain chemistry combined with past abusive relationships and being bullied at school. Being an introvert doesn't help. It took 57 years for me to get a proper diagnosis and find effective meds and therapy so that I can be somewhat effective in life. And somewhat happy most of the time and really happy if something good happens.

You have to be careful on Facebook about who you follow and who you're friends with. There's a lot of good people who understand our problems on Facebook. You just have to find them. You can search by clicking on the magnifying glass and typing a name or email address. Look for someone or something that feels good to you. Google "inspirational people". Someone inspirational like Wayne Dyer for instance. Wentworth Miller is an actor who suffers from depression. His Facebook page is very inspirational. Today his message was about how to dampen down the thoughts that you're not good enough. He's very eloquent. I follow him and read his posts every day. There are more people who understand than you would think. There are also some who don't want to understand because mental illness scares them. There are people who are negative and some who brag about themselves. There are those who say religion will solve all your problems. What I dislike most are the Facebook posts that say all you have to do is just be happy when you're suffering. Like Nike saying "Just do it ". That's an oxymoron that I just can't stand.

Maybe Facebook isn't for you. It's not for everybody.

These forums on psych central are great for sharing life's problems with people who can relate to what you're going through.

I also suggest therapy. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. They help but I also have to help myself. Despite all their help I'm mildly depressed right now. But I know that the stronger I feel the better I will get. It will get better. Yes my house is dirty. No I didn't shower today. I'll never own another car because 11 years ago I declared bankruptcy and I've had 2 cars repossessed since then. My credit rating is in the toilet. Thanks to my hypomania I've started 5 businesses that failed spectacularly. I had 14 different jobs in 8 years. Some days I can't leave my apartment because of my social anxiety. I beat myself up over these things. I think that I AM a loser sometimes. Not always any more but still sometimes. But I know now that it can get better with time and help.

My therapist said I have to change my "stinking thinking" to feel better.

I've gradually come to the place where I can be glad that my friends and family are happy. It's an outlook that's hard to achieve but I'm not envious as much anymore. I'm grateful for what I do have instead of being jealous of what other people have. It took me a lot of years to get to that place but it feels so much better than my old place. Every day I try to be grateful for what I do have. I'm warm, safe, dry, have clean clothes to wear, good food to eat, and clean water. I have the internet and online friends. I live in a free and democratic country. Millions of people in this world can't say that. Just being grateful for water can help you feel better. Millions don't even have clean water, let alone anything else the Facebook people have. For example, I'm grateful every time I take a bath. And a bit guilty when I think of how many people in Africa need clean water to drink. I'm so grateful that I live in Canada.

These forums can help if you can't afford a therapist. I'm lucky to live in Canada where most medical care is free, so I can have a psychiatrist and a therapist. Look around and try to find a support group for anxiety. Group therapy can be really helpful if you participate when you're there. My social anxiety causes me to take a long time to feel safe enough in a new group to fully participate. But just listening to others can be helpful too.

But most of all, try to take it easier on yourself. You're not alone. You're not the only one who feels this way. Try to grab hope by the collar and find others who will empathize and support you. I'm lucky (?? Another oxymoron? ) to have a friend who is also depressed and has social anxiety. We talk to each other a lot and talking about my problems with someone who understands is a great help to me. And he tells me that it helps him too.

Take baby steps at first until you get stronger. It's an uphill battle but so worth it. I've had social anxiety since I was 9 and I believe that I've been bipolar since I was a teenager but didn't know it until 2011 when I finally got my correct diagnosis. I'm proof that it can get better. Not perfect, but better. Try to hold on and try to find an empathetic ear to talk to. In the meantime use the forums. The more people you meet in the psych central forums the more you'll learn that you're not alone and that some people do understand.

I hope this helps you in some way. Sorry to be so long winded.


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That was great, thanks. Not too long at all. It hit all the right points. Especially about hiding the not-so-pleasant things. Guess who does that. I never talk about negative things. My s-i-l is like that and always moaning and whining. I just don't bother with her. I'm glad for this thread now because I remembered a stanza from an ancient Norse poem The Hávamál:
One's own house is best, though small it may be;
each man is master at home;
though he have but two goats and a bark-thatched hut
'tis better by far than begging.

Fakebook....

I used to enjoy it. Then not so much.

I deleted my account. Was the best thing i did.

It's just not for everyone and i think people have to be honest with themselves.

It was for me and then it wasn't.

I deactivated mine. It gave me anxiety and I don't need to read half of that stuff on there anyway. Facebook is way different now compared to when I joined ten years ago, a much simpler, friendlier facebook

Don't forget the obligatory "naked pregnant belly" and breastfeeding photos!

I've never understood why people would ever want to post those...