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#1
Apr 23, 2016, 09:52 PM
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I'm alone tonight. Drinking by myself. Not unhappy; I've been atable for about two months and I'm loving it. But as the one year anniversary of my husband's death looms, I can't help but think this wasn't the way it was supposed to be.
I was never supposed to be a single mom. I was supposed to be married for decades. I knew my husband would die first as women in my family live well into their nineties, but he wasn't supposed to die at 28. I am so scared of raising my son alone. I know I'm a good mom but I wish I were more traditional. I know I spoil him and it's more because it's too much effort to do somethings like make him eat adult food and stuff like that. I don't give in to his every whim; if he pitches a fit he's sure as hell not getting what he wants. I make him clean up after himself and I make him do basic hygiene like brush his teeth and wash his hair and body in the bath. But it's been weighing heavy on my mind lately - how am I going to teach him all the things boys need to know? He has male figures in his life. He's got two great uncles. I only hope they become close enough that he can go to them when he's older about girl issues and sex stuff. but nothing compares to a dad. Which he won't have. Yeah yeah I could always meet someone new. But how? I was with my husband since I was nineteen years old. I met him through a friend. He actually came with her to visit me while I was inpatient, coming off a suicide attempt. So he knew I was ****ed up from the moment he met me. How could anyone else ever accept what I go through? He wasn't supposed to die. He j.ust wasn't. We were supposed to be together forever. I know why he turned to drugs. I know what he was going through. That makes it easier, on one level. I was blindsided because I didn't know he was using again, but at least I know WHY. I think I'm in the anger stage of grief right now because I'm just outraged by the unfairness of it all. My poor son. He never got to see what a great guy his dad was. I mean, there were hundreds of people at his viewing. I had so many people come up to me and say my husband was their best friend. He was my best friend. I loved him so much. im not UNHAPPY with my life. I don't spend too much time dwelling on how I wish it was different because I know there's nothing I can do to change it. I can only continue on doing what I'm doing because God dammit, I'm doing a great ****ing job. With what I've been through? I'm doing FANTASTIC. I could be like my mom and be wasting away in my room, ignoring my child, buying everything in sight to fill the emptiness inside. But I'm not. I'm working hard to make my son's life the best it can be given the circumstances. I hope he will appreciate it when he's older. I'm just rambling because I'm lonely. I have no one to talk to. But do you ever look at your life and think it just wasn't supposed to be this way? On the plus side: on the anniversary of my husband's death I am getting a new tattoo. This tattoo will is an important decision for me. I have decided to cover up the scars on my arm with a memorial tattoo for my husband. This is a big decision because my arm is my favorite place to self harm and obviously if I have a beautiful tattoo there I will no longer be able to self harm (there). I am committing to living a self harm free life. It's a step I've never taken. I am ready to move on. My husband would be proud. Another fun thing: in four weeks I am getting a new kitten! I'm going to train him to sleep in bed with me so I won't be so lonely. He's adorable. White with gray ears and tail. He's only three weeks old at this point so that's why I have to wait but I am so excited. I really do love my life. Even if it wasn't supposed to be this way.
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Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
 1278, Anonymous45023, BastetsMuse, BeyondtheRainbow, BipolaRNurse, boogiesmash, Icare dixit, justafriend306, kindachaotic, lilypup, MusicLover82, Nammu, Pikku Myy, pirilin, raspberrytorte, RomanSunburn, Undesirable, Victoria'smom, wiretwister, ~Christina
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 Nammu
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#2
Apr 23, 2016, 10:06 PM
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you have real strenght and love for your son ... I am proud of you .... don't feel lonely you have many friends here that care about you very much ...
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#3
Apr 23, 2016, 11:25 PM
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No one that close has died, luckily, in my case. But I can get quite emotional if people I knew pretty well (luckily no close friends even) die, some relatively young. No one is supposed to die young. There is a life that is supposed to continue with them in it. How can life be such that people that have so much they still could add to this world, to enrich it, can't do that just because of something as mundane as death.
But it just happens. No complex, redeeming reason. It just is. Maybe those who are left behind are supposed to keep the person alive, by remembering and continuing to appreciate all aspects of the life left behind. To be a better person thanks to that, despite all.  I hope that makes sense. Edit: Also because I'm always wary and unsure I might say the wrong thing, at funerals and in similar situations. Just because I can't imagine how it feels if someone really close to you dies. Might be very different from what I described.
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Mania kills cells. Brain cells die. Memories become more reduced conceptually, making more efficient use of limited means. Memories shape our reality. Our memories are more or less split in two by abstractions, conceptual reductions. Mood states with memories, concepts, attached. Memories of pain and those of joy. It causes instability, changeability. Fearing that will leave an emptiness between pain and joy and a greater divide. See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me. Last edited by Icare dixit; Apr 24, 2016 at 12:41 AM. |
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#4
Apr 24, 2016, 01:05 AM
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Everything else in life I treat as it was so supposed to be so: BP, sacrifices, struggles, lost chances. Maybe that's just it: lost chances. Nothing more. Nothing you can do.
__________________
Mania kills cells. Brain cells die. Memories become more reduced conceptually, making more efficient use of limited means. Memories shape our reality. Our memories are more or less split in two by abstractions, conceptual reductions. Mood states with memories, concepts, attached. Memories of pain and those of joy. It causes instability, changeability. Fearing that will leave an emptiness between pain and joy and a greater divide. See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me. |
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#5
Apr 24, 2016, 08:08 AM
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Ehh I've been drinking every night for a week now after a huge blowout between my bf and I. It got very VERY ugly. I'm just hoping I don't completely go down that road where I become physically addicted...again.
And I know I've already expressed this before, but I'm very sorry about your husband. I can't even imagine. I have a memorial tattoo on my back for my mom. It means a lot to me. I also have a tat on my wrist covering self harm and a suicide scar. The scar was so big I couldn't wear short sleeves in public. The tat is a skeleton key because those keys open more than one door. So in a way im closing old doors to my past and opening new ones. That tat means a lot to me as well. I'm glad you're doing ok though given your circumstances. Stay strong for your boy. You have many friends here so whenever you feel lonely, just post. We'll do our best to brighten your mood. ((Hugs)) Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
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#6
Apr 25, 2016, 09:01 PM
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Quote:
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***** Every finger in the room is pointing at me I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now Tori Amos ~ Crucify Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder |
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#7
Apr 25, 2016, 10:51 PM
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It's horrible to lose someone so close. When I was 26 my best friend in the world died. No one knows what happened. He went to bed one night and just didn't wake up. He wasn't a drug user, he was in good health and the autopsy showed nothing. I was completely devastated. It wasn't fair that his life was taken. I was so, so angry. A lady I worked with who had lost her son told me that the pain of losing someone that close to you never goes away, it will always hurt like hell.myou just learn to live with it and do the best you can to preserve their memory. I got a tattoo for him as well, a large winged lion up the side of my rip cage wrapped up in Nordic knotwork. I have 22 tattoos. Each one I got for a certain reason, they're kind of like a visual diary of things I've been through.
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Bipolar I Borderline Personality Disorder ADHD Generalized Anxiety Disorder "You," he said, "are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.” ― Emilie Autumn, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls |
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#8
Apr 26, 2016, 12:03 AM
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You are an inspiration to me. My own husband of almost 36 years is dying from pancreatic cancer and I can't imagine going on without him, but your story helps me to know that I'll make it. If you can do it, I can too. Thank you for being so honest and sharing this incredibly difficult situation with us. ((((HUGS))))
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DX: Bipolar 1 Anxiety Tardive dyskinesia Mild cognitive impairment RX: Celexa 20 mg Gabapentin 1200 mg Geodon 40 mg AM, 60 mg PM Klonopin 0.5 mg PRN Lamictal 500 mg Levothyroxine 125 mcg (rx'd for depression) Trazodone 150 mg Zyprexa 7.5 mg Please come visit me @ http://bpnurse.com |
| BeyondtheRainbow, cashart10, Icare dixit, lilypup, Nammu, RomanSunburn, Undesirable, wildflowerchild25
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| wildflowerchild25
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#9
Apr 26, 2016, 10:10 AM
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#10
Apr 26, 2016, 10:59 AM
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All I can say is you never know what the future holds. I think the tattoo is a great idea. I was planning on doing something similar to deter self-harm. And I think in my mind I am planning on getting an indoor kitty one day (which justifies my exorbitant litter box purchase) too. I'm sorry you are lonely.
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"Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it" -Mark Twain |
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#11
Apr 26, 2016, 07:20 PM
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I admire your strength. Your son is lucky to have you as his mother. My father died when I was 8 years old. There were harder times than others not having him in my life but my mom was always there for me. You are his mom and his whole world. Trust me! You don't have to worry about who he will grow up to be. ((Hugs))
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#12
Apr 26, 2016, 07:42 PM
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I am proud of you. How is your son coping?
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#13
Apr 26, 2016, 08:01 PM
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Thanks for your replies everyone. I'm so glad I can share here even though this stuff doesn't really have to do with bipolar. You are all my friends.
__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
| BipolaRNurse, Nammu, ~Christina
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#14
Apr 26, 2016, 08:38 PM
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Wildflower, you are an amazing strong woman. Thank you for sharing that.
__________________
Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
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