[wildflowerchild25]

I had my demo lesson today. It did not go well. I mean, the lesson went well. I did a good job. But afterward I received a lot of negative feedback. One was I was too intense and spoke too fast. That's because I was nervous. But the main one was that I didn't engage the students enough I should have put them in pairs or groups instead of explaining the whole lesson to them. And I knew that but didn't think about it because in my school I can't do pairs or groups. The kids can't get along with each other long enough to do it. I'm just so used to disengaged, angry kids that I couldn't perform well for "normal" students.

I'm so disappointed. I really wanted this job. I don't want to do substituting in the fall. I want to have a regular place to go every day. I know driving to a different school every day and trying to find my way around new schools will be anxiety provoking. I'm not sure I could do it. But I can't stay on at my job. It's so bad for my mental health. I just can't do it. Just thinking about a whole year there makes me sick.

I guess I'm just not that good of a teacher. Although I don't think it's my fault. I think I can't do all the "normal" teacher stuff because of the type of kids I work with. I'm a good teacher for my students, just not the general population.

I'm writing here to try to get it out of my head. I've been obsessing for two hours. I mean completely and totally obsessing. I can't stop thinking about how bad I did. I'm trying to be positive and tell myself that it was a good opportunity and now I know how to do better for next time, but this was the only call back I received. I've put in like twelve applications and gotten nothing.

I feel like such a failure. And they didn't actually tell me I didn't get the job, I just can't see how they would pick me over the other people. I'm just gonna be waiting for my rejection letter.

How do you stop yourself from obsessing over the negative? Like I know there's nothing I can do now and I did my best and all that. I just don't want this to trigger depression.

[gina_re]

I highly doubt that you are not a great teacher. You're in recovery and certain situations can be stressful. I wouldn't give up hope just yet, you never know. Maybe you saw yourself in a bad light because sometimes we tend be so critical of our behavior. So don't wait for a rejection letter, hope for an acceptance letter! I wish you the best. I wish I had some super awesome advice, but I'll be thinking about and hope you get the job you deserve!

Sorry that it didn't go as you hoped

I agree with gina_re. You might not have gotten rejected. Even though you got a lot of negative feedback, it's possible it was constructive criticism.

Personally, I don't think it's "awful" that you talked too fast. They probably knew you were nervous, and I bet they can give you some leeway on that, especially since your lesson was pretty good.

I also think it's a bit weird that they complained you didn't put students into groups. Don't teachers have different teaching styles? I see the pair/group thing as more of a "teaching style". There are more than 1 way to effectively teach the same material.

Idk. You don't sound like you're an awful teacher. I think your teaching style was different from what they anticipated. (That's what it sounds like to me.) Hell, if you're able to teach a bunch of troublemakers, that's quite impressive. I went to a school with a lot of troublemakers, and most of the teachers couldn't handle them. We ended up learning nothing :|

[jacky8807]

Agreed with other posts. And yes if you can deal with the tougher populations you are waaaaaay ahead of most teachers I know. Keep your head up!

Try not to get too discouraged. Put in some more applications and do some more interviews.

As for as engagement goes, that is the focus in most evaluation systems now. They do expect a variety of methods and approaches used so that students are actively engaged rather that just institutionally compliant or completely disengaged. Are you familiar with the Kagan Cooperative Learning structures? They are basic, but a good place to start. I have some challenging students myself, and the trick is finding ways to get them engaged while at the same time maintaining classroom control. ALL teachers have hits and misses, even those of use that have been in the classroom 30 years.

The other thing I would encourage you to do (and it takes a bit of guts) is to call the principal of the school where you did the demo lesson, thank them for the constructive input, explain your current teaching situation, and request a second shot at the demo lesson. Tell them you realize now that you were teaching toward your current student population and that you do feel you have the skills to engage a different type of classroom and students; you would like the opportunity to demonstrate that ability. Now, they may say "no," and that will be the end of it. However, what do you have to lose? You are showing a willingness to communicate and learn and adjust; you are showing an ability to be respectful and proactive as a teacher; and you might just get the opportunity to demonstrate stronger teaching ability for them and land that job. I learned long ago not to be passive about such things.

[wildflowerchild25]

Thanks everyone. Lolagrace I'm not sure if ever have the courage to do that! It's a great idea but I just don't think I could do it. I'll think about it though! Maybe I'll find some courage in here somewhere!

I do feel a little better now. Not as upset. I mean like I said it is what it is. If they like me they'll call me and if they don't they won't. It's not like I'll never get another job ever again. I might not get one for next school year but that will give me time to finish my special Ed certification schooling anyway.

[wiretwister]

don't want to sound polly anna but what will be will .... if you don't get it maybe that was for the best ... do you really need that much stress in you life right now ... if you do get called look at it as a door opening on a new you ... you win either way .... just put what you can control and yourself first ... the rest will happen no matter what we do ... I just hope you "get" what is best for you ... remember you are loved .... no matter what else happens ... .... Tigger

[violetgreen]

"How do you stop yourself from obsessing over the negative?"

By getting it out of my head somehow, like talking about it over and over, crying, yelling, listening to other people who can talk me down. Feeling the emotions, like humiliation, shame, fear, whatever. Because, like you said, don't want it to become a depression. For me, that obsessive cycle can also make me lose touch with rational thought and reality.

I can identify with the pain of wondering how good a teacher you really are, and of facing how teaching in violent, chaotic schools shaped the teacher I became. My teaching career is ending this school year, after a final semester on medical leave. I'm retiring after only 17 years in the field (3rd career for me).

It sounds like you are still early in your career, and are keen to continue. I'd advise envisioning yourself in a wonderful and supportive learning environment, where everyone is encouraged to make mistakes, take risks, and have fun!!!

You'll get a great position, you are preparing for it, and they will be lucky to get you.

[gina_re]

I journal when I start getting obsessive thoughts. If they're repeating over and over...I need them out. Purging those feelings onto paper usually works for me. But I may be in the minority.
Mind you, I rarely go back and read most of my journal entries. I just get the thoughts out.

[wildflowerchild25]

Thanks guys! I felt much better about the whole thing today. I wrote here and talked to my mom and that stopped the obsessing a bit so I was able to put everything in perspective. I feel much more positive now. I still don't think I'll get this job but I don't feel as bad about it. I know that one day I will get another job and hopefully be happy in teaching again.

I'm going to email the principal and curriculum director tomorrow just to thank them for giving me the opportunity. Maybe that will tip the scales in my favor, who knows.