eye contact

My therapist and I have been talking a lot about this. I almost never make eye contact with him and have never done so in 10 years of seeing him. Before one of the first conversations about it he said that it made him consider if I might have asperger's (my brother does so there's a higher risk) but I don't have most symptoms and I make eye contact with people other than him. With him I prefer shoe contact. Actually I prefer he undo his re-arranged office and put his bookshelf back where I could look at it all the time. But I don't think he'll do that.

I think it's hard because we've talked about some incredibly detailed sexual abuse from my past, he's male and I'm shy with men but do best with male therapists for some reason, and some other things like that. He has facial hair and I'm scared of facial hair. He's asked before it it bugs me and I've said no because it's not thick and I'm too far away to see it. But it does I think. Yet what I am I supposed to do, ask the poor man to shave? There are also currently issues with how I feel about myself that come into play by making me even more uncomfortable.

I worked so hard to be able to make eye contact with my patients and other people. It's only my therapist I really struggle with most of the time.

Any thoughts?

Lack of eye contact is a coping mechanism for me, and it sounds like it is for you too.

When I don't make eye contact with someone, it usually means I'm very nervous or upset. I just can't bear to look at someone in the eyes when I'm in an abnormal state of mind. Eye contact just makes everything 100 times worse. So, I very much understand the eye contact thing.

I can't offer any advice, but I hope you're able to work out the eye contact problem with him.

Yes, it is a coping mechanism. It is partly how I try to keep how I'm really feeling (the depth of feeling) from him because 10 years of therapy (often twice a week) and you get to know each other. I know tricks to how he feels (his voices changes when he's going to push something and even more when he knows he's about to make me uncomfortable) and he can read the slightest change in my expression. So I try to keep him from seeing my eyes, which is ridiculous because he sees it all anyway.

It's just hard. It doesn't matter we've agreed but I seem to want to work on it. So we're talking about it some along with every excuse I can make up. I can make up a LOT of excuses it turns out .

Am I correct in assuming that you're comfortable with seeing him for therapy?
Also, when it comes to your past trauma, is it harder to discuss with him, or in general?
It might be what bluebicycle said, a coping mechanism. Therapy is helpful, but certain topics aren't always easy to discuss. When my T has me talk about more difficult situations, I can't look at her because I'm getting emotional. Depending on what it is I'll even cry.
Is the lack of eye contact something you two have discussed?

On a lighter note....I can't really make eye contact with my sister's fiancé even though they've been together almost nine years. I didn't like him at first so it was more out of disgust. As I'm getting used to him (I mean he isn't going anywhere, he is the father to my nephews), it's more of the fact that he's not too easy on the eyes. My sister and I obviously have different tastes when it comes to our significant others.

I do not make eye contact with anyone (BF being literally the only exception I can manage). It is painful. Too intense. The best I can manage are fleeting glimpses. Even these make me flinch. It's VERY uncomfortable.

You mention furniture. The first thing I do upon going in psych appointment is to turn off the light at the side of the couch. It's not bright or anything, but I just can't deal with it being on.

(As a side note, I hate this simplistic pop notion that somehow it indicates lying, because I am an honest person (except saying things are ok when they totally aren't), so very much resent this assumption as you can imagine. Interestingly, the biggest liar I know has no trouble making eye contact. In fact, it's one of their biggest tells(!) I observe people a lot. Just can't look at them.)

Also, when you mention being scared of facial hair, that doesn't seem so strange. I can't look at my sister (let alone make eye contact!) because she looks too much like our mother. It freaks me out. Undoubtedly a trauma thing. I feel terrible about it, but like you say, what can you do?(!)

You're not alone.

It's hard to make eye contact when you're talking about something upsetting, so I don't think it should be that big of a deal that you don't make eye-contact with your therapist. I would be more concerned if that was the case when you talk to anyone about anything, such as small talk with coworkers or whoever. I don't make much eye-contact with my therapist, and I have no autistic tendencies or anything. It's just easier to think about deep and upsetting subjects when you're not making eye-contact. Isn't that one of the reasons they used to have you lay on a couch and just ramble in the past? That's my opinion.

That's what we've decided. He was concerned about asperger's because he thought I couldn't make eye contact with anyone and that's not true. Once we covered that he dropped that idea (which wasn't very fully formed as I have few features of ASP). I usually try to know what shirt he was wearing when I leave and think that's doing well. For now we'll work on eye contact just to see if I can learn it in hard situations. I know there are times in life that are uncomfortable but where you have to look confident. So I'll make sure I have those skills the best I can.

I battle with eye contact too ... I don't know - for me it's more about worrying that people judging me.

I tend to focus on something behind the person. It looks like I am making eye contact, but usually I am not. I still do look around a lot, but for a limited amount of time the person thinks I am looking at them