vent + is your depression sudden?

I finished my doctoral thesis a week ago - something I've been working on and struggling with for 5 years. I didn't feel much when I sent it in, and felt kind of low the next few days - like my life no longer had structure or meaning. I kind of expected to feel this way, and it seems pretty common based on stuff I've read, so it wasn't too alarming.

I slowly started to feel better and was getting excited about the future. Yesterday I went shopping with my husband for something to wear to my upcoming defense. I love clothes and shoes but I really hate shopping (except online). I never find anything I like and get irritated by the pushy sales people, the crowds, and the whole idea/culture of 'shopping' in general. I thought it would be different this time but, no - left empty handed and even more misanthropic than usual! Within hours after returning home I found myself totally depressed - crying, SI etc. I cancelled my plans for the evening and stayed home while my husband went out. Woke up this morning and feel even worse. Hate my thesis, feel stupid and guilty and worthless and totally antisocial. I had planned a big celebratory dinner for tonight I'm supposed to cook for and I can't even get out of my pajamas. The thought of having to pretend I'm happy about finishing makes me physically sick. I think my work is total garbage and now I have to go defend it like it's gold. I just want to hide in a cave.

I don't know what to think about all of this. When I was writing, anytime I had a mood everyone was just like "oh, it's from the stress of your dissertation" and now it's like "oh, it's from the stress of being done with your dissertation." It seems weird for a depression to come on so quickly, and I hesitate to even call it that because it's only been 2 days...maybe I'm just being a big baby. I don't know.

Depression slaps me out of nowhere. Sounds like this has been coming on for a little. It sounds stress related. Hopefully it's short.

What's your research about?

It all sounds quite normal. Maybe you can just order food?

I'm sure your dissertation isn't ushering in a new era of civilisation. That would be unlikely even for any work done before you retire.

I'd say your depression is like post-mania depression because your view gets warped almost like when psychotic. Something that is the only thing of importance for 5 years and is theoretical, like a delusion, a mere hypothesis, is bound to cause a similar reaction as you get after mania.

And even if you panic and are unable to speak you'll get your PhD. A defence is a show.

Congratulations on finishing. I really wish you could see how big an accomplishment you've achieved. I could never get through school as you have and I truly stand in awe of what you've achieved. I know you probably don't want to hear that right now, but it's how I feel so I had to put it out there. Pat yourself on the back!

Give yourself time. This is a time of closure and now you will have time for something new and interesting. Take some time off and enjoy it, or start looking for a new focus. Whatever you need is ok.

I'm sorry you are depressed. Sometimes mine come out of nowhere and sometimes they slowly build, getting worse by the day or hour. However it happens, it's never fun. Please be kind to yourself. Cancel the dinner if it will make you feel better. Take some "me" time and do what brings you joy. Or just rest. I hope you feel better soon.

If you haven't defended your thesis yet, could you perhaps channel your inner critic? Get ahead of anything that could come back to you? I am in finals. And yet, I am on PC.

the problem is that my brain feels like mush...I don't even know what to say my dissertation is 'about.' The thought of having a mushy brain in a room full of committee members makes me want to run in the opposite direction

Thank you for this very kind response. I will do my best to take your words to heart

Yeah, I can imagine it's pretty terrifying.

When I worked in a research lab, sometimes we reserved our usual lab meeting time for master's and doctoral students to practice their defense. Is that something you could ask for? It might boost your confidence, especially since you're feeling so low.

I've never studied for a PhD. I've only got a master's. My symptoms were too much to bear by the time I reached my final semester of my master's. I was glad to be done!

I would do what Elsa Mars suggested, though. Take some time off to just relax.

If I'm not mistaken, you can always reschedule the defense, can't you? I would assume a doctor's note could suffice? (I'm just saying if worse comes to worst, maybe rescheduling could help, even though it's not ideal.)