[Reveraen]

I am on here because I have been struggling terribly with someone I've been in an on and off relationship for 2 years. I know you can't diagnose her, but her Mother is bipolar and she has shown all the signs. I have read books, watched documentaries and read many many forums. Basically, I am needing assistance in coping with it and moving on. It is so hard. Her out of nowhere irritability, (she never knows why she gets so agitated, so she tells me that it must be me) randomly deciding to up and move far away then desperately coming back for me, blowing money on things she doesn't need, changing her mind every other week about the big decisions she's makes.....her drunken abusive episodes, name calling, making me feel like I'm worthless. You all know how it goes. I've always felt like I'm walking on egg shells.
She will want her space and want to do everything on her own. Her confidence will be high. She will tell me all these huge things She is going to do. She always comes back to me telling me she's crazy and to never let her let me go. Not too long ago she said she was going to get help. Well, she had an episode before that happened so she thinks she's perfect again. We've been broken up for a month now. But she will still randomly reach out once a week. This time I told her we need to talk. Apparently she had no time. I couldn't take it anymore. I went off on her telling her she's just like her Mother was (from the things she told me) and that she needs help. I called her out on everything. I feel terrible about it because I've always said wonderful things to her, but I think she needed to hear it. I may have upset her so much that I'll never hear from her again, or she'll reach out again to keep me from moving on. I understand I can't help her. She needs to do it on her own.
I feel like reading these forums is the only things that helps me feel better. It's like every day gets worse, not better.

What are some things that have helped you in my situation?
From someone who is bipolar, how do you see it? The fact that she told me to never let her let me go makes it sooo hard.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Reveraen: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm afraid I don't really have any useful suggestions for you here. From my perspective it is simply a matter of establishing, & enforcing, some firm boundaries or perhaps simply walking away from this relationship altogether. Sometimes one just has to finally decide... & stick to it. I wish you well...

[LadyShadow]

Hi! This is your first post so welcome!

Speaking from someone who is bipolar, people have just blocked me and cut me out of their life. That's how they have dealt with it, and it made me feel horrible!

But I agree with Skeezyks in that you have to set boundaries and let her know you are moving on. And just leave it like that. If she doesn't leave you alone, (which she may not) you may just have to pull yourself away completely. It is frustrating I know, but if she needs help and is not doing anything about it, you can't really do anything aboyt it.

[pirilin]

In true bipolar fashion, I've never being in love with anybody to the point of not being able
to look for greener pastures. After three marriages and many in-betweens.
All I can add, for what it's worth, is that bipolar has no cure.
I'm sure you're not perfect either. A matter of love and suffering. And I, my friend, see you weak. Or in love. What will it be?. Is she willing to seek help?. If not, pack your bags.

If you love her, you can stand beside her as she gets the help she needs. Turning your back on a sick person is only something I would suggest if you no longer care about her or she's pulling you under the current with her. People with this disease die out there on the streets. We make poor decisions which can kill us and get others in dangerous places. You must strengthen your own resolves so you can be support to her (if that is what you want). She needs people who will stand by her through it all. Some high functioning bipolar a do okay alone, but most need a very strong support system which doesn't up and leave when times get tough.

[Gabyunbound]

I know you've done a lot of research, but I wouldn't assume she has bipolar disorder until she's been diagnosed by a pdoc -it really could be something else, or more than one thing. She obviously needs help though and maybe you can make that a condition of you getting back together with her, or maybe you should just clear out entirely unless she can function in the relationship within certain boundaries.

It sounds a lot more to me like she has borderline personality disorder than bipolar.

Originally Posted by Reveraen

... on and off relationship for 2 years.... It is so hard. Her out of nowhere irritability, (she never knows why she gets so agitated, so she tells me that it must be me) randomly deciding to up and move far away then desperately coming back for me, ... changing her mind every other week about the big decisions she's makes.....her drunken abusive episodes, name calling, making me feel like I'm worthless. You all know how it goes. I've always felt like I'm walking on egg shells.
She always comes back to me telling me she's crazy and to never let her let me go. Not too long ago she said she was going to get help...We've been broken up for a month now. But she will still randomly reach out once a week....This time I told her we need to talk. Apparently she had no time.... I may have upset her so much that I'll never hear from her again, or she'll reach out again to keep me from moving on.

What are some things that have helped you in my situation?
From someone who is bipolar, how do you see it? The fact that she told me to never let her let me go makes it sooo hard.

I've only experienced your situation/side of things in a relationship with someone with borderline personality issues. Not saying there's not BP, but there's a lot of classic borderline behavior in there. (Might be both. We can't diagnose or anything, but it's something to consider.)

Classic borderline things that stand out in that would be the whole push/pull relationship thing. Turn on a dime irritability, blaming you for it (fear/self-defense via projection/black-white blaming -- says will get help, but doesn't because it requires owning one's part in conflict, and that is too painful. This might also explain the "no time" when talking it out is suggested.). Yelling at you making you feel like ****, taking off, then desperately coming back. I hate you. Don't leave me. Over and over again. For 2 years?(!) A pervasive pattern of unstable relationships is absolute hallmark of borderline. (It is not among the criteria for diagnosing bipolar.)

Unfortunately, that doesn't change things terribly much for you. But. Bipolar is much more responsive to meds than borderline is. The most effective approach to borderline is a therapy called DBT. As DBT requires dedication to be effective, it might be worth seeing if she'll take the meds approach first, and see if that brings things to a more manageable level then go from there.

But honestly, you should begin by deeply considering if the relationship is worth it. You also need to evaluate your capacity to handle it. YOUR well-being is important too, after all.

Originally Posted by pirilin

In true bipolar fashion, I've never being in love with anybody to the point of not being able to look for greener pastures. After three marriages and many in-betweens..

Just compelled to point out that this isn't a given with Bipolar. (For instance, I can say in 100% truth I've never sought "greener pastures". And was with my ex for 25 years. Threads on the topic bear out that there are quite a few others too.) Granted, divorce rates are high. In reading on here, it seems that it is most problematic for those who have manias that manifest in serious spending (ruin lives kind of levels) and/or whose hypersexuality is taken outside of an intendedly monogamous relationship. Those are particularly hard on relationships (of course!) But not all bipolars' manias take those courses. Just sayin'.

Best of luck to you, Revraen. Whatever you choose.

(One tip though. NO contact is best (I've seen many say necessary) following breaking it off. Again, for your own sanity.)

[~Christina]

I'm no Doctor so cant diagnose , she could have Bp or borderline (sure fits that mold) or both and more.

If she is willing to go into treatment and work like helll then its possible this relationship will work out.

Lots of people find a Therapist and try some meds and just blow it off as it takes enormous will power to follow through. Maybe she will be willing to do the work...

It would probably be very helpful for you to see a Therapist on your own to help decide if staying with her is going to be healthy for you

Welcome to PC

[Reveraen]

Thank you all so much for your replies!

It is very quite possible it could be BPD--I just know something in that range is going on.
I have to remind myself SEVERAL times a day that I can't keep chasing her, and have to let her want to fix herself first.
I have noticed in every thing else I've read that the persons on my end always have a hard time letting go too. Must be because we know there are ways to medicate it. It sure is tough.

[Reveraen]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

I've only experienced your situation/side of things in a relationship with someone with borderline personality issues. Not saying there's not BP, but there's a lot of classic borderline behavior in there. (Might be both. We can't diagnose or anything, but it's something to consider.)

Classic borderline things that stand out in that would be the whole push/pull relationship thing. Turn on a dime irritability, blaming you for it (fear/self-defense via projection/black-white blaming -- says will get help, but doesn't because it requires owning one's part in conflict, and that is too painful. This might also explain the "no time" when talking it out is suggested.). Yelling at you making you feel like ****, taking off, then desperately coming back. I hate you. Don't leave me. Over and over again. For 2 years?(!) A pervasive pattern of unstable relationships is absolute hallmark of borderline. (It is not among the criteria for diagnosing bipolar.)

Unfortunately, that doesn't change things terribly much for you. But. Bipolar is much more responsive to meds than borderline is. The most effective approach to borderline is a therapy called DBT. As DBT requires dedication to be effective, it might be worth seeing if she'll take the meds approach first, and see if that brings things to a more manageable level then go from there.

But honestly, you should begin by deeply considering if the relationship is worth it. You also need to evaluate your capacity to handle it. YOUR well-being is important too, after all.

Just compelled to point out that this isn't a given with Bipolar. (For instance, I can say in 100% truth I've never sought "greener pastures". And was with my ex for 25 years. Threads on the topic bear out that there are quite a few others too.) Granted, divorce rates are high. In reading on here, it seems that it is most problematic for those who have manias that manifest in serious spending (ruin lives kind of levels) and/or whose hypersexuality is taken outside of an intendedly monogamous relationship. Those are particularly hard on relationships (of course!) But not all bipolars' manias take those courses. Just sayin'.

Best of luck to you, Revraen. Whatever you choose.

(One tip though. NO contact is best (I've seen many say necessary) following breaking it off. Again, for your own sanity.)

Thank you for your detailed response!! Although I'm very aware that I am far from perfect and can suffer from depression at times, it is good to know that there is some agreement. After being told over and over that I must be the reason for her own happiness, you start to believe it. Along with many other things. So far this site is keeping me semi-sane.