Overstimulation? I feel guilty

I've been doing really well today, but a couple hours ago I started to feel strange, surreal, having weird depressive thoughts (like that no one in my family matters because we're all going to die in the end anyway, WTF?). Now I'm feeling very irritable and overwhelmed. I got short with my 4 year old and told her "I just need a break!" then I just stood there and stared at her for a long time. She was confused and upset. I felt terrible, but I was paralyzed, couldn't even talk, I could only stare at her. After a while, I called my husband to come entertain her for a while so I could get some space. I feel okay now that I'm alone, but I cannot handle having anyone near me. I don't know WTF is wrong with me right now. Maybe the stimulation from the party earlier is catching up with me. I feel guilty for being weird and upsetting my daughter.

I have absolutely been there. I've yelled at my kids or told them I can't have them around me. It makes me feel awful, but I've gotten better about telling them that I'm having big emotions and they're hard for me to control; that I need some time with absolute quiet in order to feel better. I've told them that I want to be kind and patient, and that they deserve that, but that I have to be able to calm myself down or get my emotions to cool down before I can do that. Then, I do whatever I have to in order to get the space - my husband is great about taking them out of my space to help me gain peace. We don't do a lot of digital media, but I definitely let them watch Netflix kids when I need quiet and can't send them outside, like when they were your daughter's age (just a couple years ago).

I will say this - I KNOW it's really hard right now. It gets easier the older and more independent they get. Remember, even when you lose your cool, you can always take the time you need to get yourself together, and then go to her and apologize, explain that your reaction was about you, not her - that you love her and you're sorry if you confused her or upset her.

And be forgiving with yourself. As long as you're honest about your limitations and struggles and aim to be loving and kind, don't beat yourself up when you fall short of ideal. It happens to all parents, even those without MI. I think, sometimes, we're more attuned to how we treat our children because we're more aware of our moods & reactions due to therapy, understanding how our brains/chemistry/emotions work, etc.

Oh, and I also meant to say that overstimulation is probably my absolute biggest factor in making it a challenge to have the patience and kindness I want to have with my kids. My T was a big part of helping me to identify when the stimulation is building me toward the peak of explosion. I have gotten better at knowing when I've been overstimulated and am likely to be more irritable. I can give my kids warning, saying that I'm feeling overwhelmed and would love to _____ (fill in the blank: play, listen, watch them jump, whatever) as soon as I've had a moment to calm down. Using the kitchen timer is pretty helpful for letting them know when it would be OK to check in again with me about that.

Thank you for your understanding and good advice. I need to employ more structure and consistency to the way I handle situations like that so my family will understand what's going on.