Questions: Bipolar version

I can't meditate well in general

It is very easy. I can make a call and hear back from my doctor in less than an hour. The ER is 15 minutes away. I'm very lucky in this regard.

I'm going to ask the same question to someone else. Is it easy for you to access service? Why or why not?

Not really.

My pdoc is 2.5 hours away and so is the hospital. My therapist is 75 minutes each way. I live in a very rural area and the therapist and pdoc I see both are excellent so I don't mind driving. I can reach my pdoc via phone or email if there is a big problem between monthly appointments and I can probably call my therapist (I can, I just never have). I usually can get an extra therapy appt. if needed as well.

I have good providers and care, just a long way away.

Have you ever seen a report your therapist or pdoc wrote about you? How did you feel about it?

yes.

and how did I feel about it?
have you ever had your food delivered cold or had a delivery with parts missing?

that's how I felt... well done for missing out all the important parts and making me look like a fool

(I don't see this person now)

does the idea of failing in life scare you?

I know for me it's 1 of my fears.. growing old with nothing to show for life

I listened to a song recently called "I don't mind failing". It's a good song and I recommend it to anyone who fears failing. There is a line which goes something like this "I don't mind wearing raggedy britches cause those at the top are the sons of mitches so, I don't mind failing in this world.

I've accomplished a lot all things considered and while I may currently appear a failure to some, they don't know me so can go screw themselves. The winners often step on people on their rise to the top and I don't do that so I'm okay at least in part. My biggest fear in ending up living forever in the State Hospital and all my family dying or forgetting about me....then I would feel a failure and it would suck.

What is your biggest and proudest accomplishment to date?

Surviving. Occupationally, my colleague and I won the best team if the year at the Electricity company we worked for. We helped set up, then run, a department that helped out people with genuine financial issues not get their electricity disconnected. I was helping people, using my brain and being creative coming up with ideas to make it work. My main role was that of a Case Manager with a bit of project management thrown in.

Sadly, my physical health deteriorated to the point where I had to resign and go on disability. The last thing I did as a Case Manager was make an acceptance speech for the award. I stopped working that day, had sick leave but as I just kept getting worse with the Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue it became clear I was not getting well anytime soon. I was practically bedridden for a couple of years. Then my mental health crashed.

Sorry for the long response.

Does happy music annoy you when depressed?

yes.

it does

are you any good at crosswords/ anagrams

No.

Does your pdoc/therapist shake your hand or hug you?

No physical touch from either. Both are men and I think they are very cautious about touching me due to my trauma issues.

What is the perfect temperature for a day to be in your mind?

I live in Silicon Valley and I find our climate perfect, and feel blessed with it.

Speaking of blessings: what in your disorder is a blessing?

i'd say my creativity and my ability to come up with ideas.

what for you is the worst part of this disorder

Mixed states with SI.

Favourite animal

dinosaur

living.... probably a rabbit

(but I do love dinosaurs!)

a smell you love?

freshly cut grass,

What keeps you going day after day?

Fear of destroying my partner

Healthy outlets?

Spending time with my family, chatting with my mom or friend about random stuff. Most of the time PC is healthy for me (sometimes my paranoia makes it questionable though).

Did you suck your thumb as a child or use another type of pacifier?

A: I used a pacifier, so much so that once when my parents forgot to take it when visiting grandparents, they had to go back home.

Q: When did you learn the word "bipolar" or the words "manic depressive illness"?

Manic depressive, like 30 years ago. Bipolar, when I was wrongly diagnosed with it. Five years ago.

Is the condition increasing or decreasing around the world.

(Cheating)...but what don't you like about Depakote

A. I think it's getting worse. World goes too fast, so does my brain. And when I'm depressed the world is too loud lol.

Q. Anyone have a spouse that doesn't really believe in bipolar or depression and tell you "everyone has ups and downs, you just have to fight through them? My wife doesn't think I should be as bad as I am, because when we met 16 years ago I wasnt...

no.

single and proud

do you respond well to compliments?

Nope can't cope hoping seeing a Psychologist if I get approved will help me with this obstacle.

Question: Did you deny your diagnosis at first when the Psychiatrist told you, you had Bipolar? If so, how long until you stopped fighting the diagnosis? If not, why didn't you fight it? Was it a relief or did you always know it could be Bipolar?

I didn't fight it.

I always knew I was diffrent (was never a normal kid), but the strange thing was everyone around me acted so diffrently and normal.

I didn't know about bipolar (that it was even a thing), but when I was told i was relieved that I wasn't weird, or somehow dis connected from the world, I actually had a disorder- it had a name and their were things to help me cope with it.

I think the hardest thing for me was watching our family totally go against it and eventually shutting me out because they couldn't cope with a mentally ill person in the family.

second hardest was learning to cope with the diffrent mood states (especially the depression, when it happened, I had no idea why I felt that way)

how was your general life before bipolar disorder

Awful. Suicidal since age of 9 due to trauma. BP started late teens or early 20's

What is your best reason for living?

someone else suicidal from the age of 9... and I thought that I was the only 1

best reason for living: because, if you're alive, you can still change things.

if you're dead, you've lost your only chance at improving your life

hardest psymptom to come to terms with?