Sorry

Taking off now. Taking meds for anxiety.

all the best

Landed. Back home. gave my meds to my Mum to keep me safer until I hopefully go IP tomorrow morning. Hanging in there. Distracting myself as much as possible from the intense SI. Wish I was well. Scared I have to miss more work. New management may not be so kind. Going back to work will be tough. Panicked about everything right now.

I'm sure everyone here will agree with me when I say we are SO PROUD of you!! It is HARD to be on vacation in the midst of instability, and you made it without incident! You are doing the right thing.

You will come out of this and everything will be okay. Hang in there, things will get so much better!

Always love to hear anything from you lady!

My usual private hospital cannot get me in until tomorrow. I feel desperate but am also scared of the state hospital I could go to ER today and probably be admitted. What do I do? My parents are watching me but I dream of running away. SI is high. I am so scared.

Can one of your parents stay up and watch you all night ?

If thats possible and you can go IP to a place you have been to before and like I would do that.

If you dont think you can manage the night then go to the ER , Maybe they will just hold you there until your IP can get you in...

Stay safe

Good idea. My Mother won't sleep anyway. I am doing my best to stay safe and be safe. Fighting the Sui thoughts with all my might. Distraction is helpful. Just have 20 hours till my hospital can get me in. Now I think of it that is a long time, esp if I can't sleep. My poor, wonderful mother. She is my rock and the main reason I stay around. I must be strong for her. My heart hurts so much...gosh I could complain for hours but I won't.

If you find posting is helping you, please post.
Don't worry about how much. Post freely. We are certainly all behind anything that helps you.

OK...I am drowning in despair so deep there is no bottom. 'Cos this life is a farce
I can't breathe through this mask, Like a fool' Beth Gibbons. I would end it all if it were not for the love of my family...I just could not do that to them. So I linger in hell. My heart is dead. I feel no joy.

I am going to the state hospital...I will die otherwise. I NEED help. I hope I find it.

Looks like no one cares for honesty Innerzone

I wish you well Wander. I hope the hospital doctors are able to lift you out of your depression.

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I do hope you find some solace, Wander. I know it's difficult to see hope when you're in that much pain, but it does exist.

I'm coming in on the tail end of this thread, but I wish you well and hope you are safe now. It's hell right now, but it's always the darkest before the dawn. Please take care of yourself.

We care. We can handle honesty. It was 4 a.m. in my time zone when you posted your deeper thoughts of despair, and I'm sorry I wasn't available to support you in your despair. You are never alone, please remember that.

Know that we care very much and I'm sending good vibes for a speedy recovery. Wishing you balance, peace, and joy.

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Trust me, we do care and keep being honest and sharing your feelings if it helps. I have been where you are and can attest that things can get better. Please hang in there. Keep us posted.

Thanks again everyone. In a locked ward right now in a state hospital (allowed phones without chargers). Had 2 hours sleep. Waiting to see psychiatrist to be discharged to my normal hospital. A little more stable today as in I don't plan to die. Still feel hopeless, dead yet agitated and very low. Have no idea what my pdoc (at my usual private hospital)has planned but I NEED help. I can't live like this. Feel like everything has already been done. Like a failure.

You are not a failure. Stability sometimes takes time. Give it time. It reminds me of the Amy Grant song, "It Takes a Little Time."

"It takes a little time sometimes to get your feet back on the ground. It takes a little time sometimes to turn the Titanic around. It takes a little time sometimes. Baby, you're not going down. It takes more than you've got right now. Give it, give it time." Not the most brilliant lyrics, but it's a catchy song and it encourages me sometimes.

From my experience, pure mania or hypomania takes less time to get under control than depression or depressive mixed states. I wonder if anyone else has noticed that.

Defintitly more difficult to get a hold of depression than mania. Thanks for the hopeful lyrics