Feeling some type of way

Ugh I'm having a bad day. I just want to go to bed and it's only 5:40pm. I never would have gotten up this morning if I could have gotten away with it. In fact I stayed in bed until 9am and then got breakfast for my son, then went and laid on the couch until hunger drove me to get up at 12. I did manage to play outside with the hose with my son for an hour and took him to get pizza and ice cream. Even made it to the store to get him arm floaties in anticipation of going swimming tomorrow. But I have been soooo irritable all day. My son has been getting on my last nerve and so has anyone I come into contact with.

It's because of a dream I had last night. I was off camping with my husband, who was alive (often he's there in my dreams but I know he's dead). We got into a huge argument over something and I told him if he didn't start acting better and treating me right I wanted a divorce. He looked at me and sincerely apologized, and held me for the rest of the dream. When I woke up I felt like he had really been there with me. I've been so angry at him lately, so angry at him for being so stupid and taking those drugs that killed him. Leaving me alone to raise our son. I've been so pissed. And it was almost like he knew that, and he came to say he was sorry.

It's put me into a mood all day, mostly because I know if his soul is somewhere that he IS sorry. He knows he ****ed up. But I just miss him so much now. Waking up and realizing he's gone and it was just a dream is SO difficult. Like I wish I could actually hear him say he's sorry. So I could stop carrying around this anger. I don't want to hate my husband. He made a mistake and it cost him his life but he didn't do it on purpose. He had no way of knowing that time would be his last time using.

I just miss him so damn much. I miss his touch and his kiss. I miss his encouragement. He would be so proud of me and so happy that I landed this new job. He would be so proud of how far I've come with my bipolar. I just wish I could talk to him again.

But I can't. So I'm going to treat myself with care tonight. I'm going to eat something yummy. I'm going to watch Harry Potter. I'm going to relax. Because I know this won't last. This is not an episode. Just a reaction.

Thanks for listening. I have no one to talk to right now.

You are incredibly strong.

HUGS

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I'm very sorry you had that dream. Some dreams are so realistic and hurtful. I can only imagine the pain.

But, like you said, you've come so far. You are strong and a fighter. Keep kicking @ss.

P.S. I love Harry Potter

Wow you have so much strength. I feel for you I truly do.

I love Harry Potter too. Especially the Prisoner of Azkaban.

(((((((((Wildflowerchild)))))))))

What an incredibly painful loss.

My heart goes out to you.

Grieving can take a significant amount of time, for sure.
I feel the grief is even more complicated under the circumstances.
How do we forgive someone who left us, if we'd felt they had a choice?

My dad committed suicide (overdose) when I was a pre-teen. Long story. I won't get into it now. I will say I felt guilty for not finding a way to stop him. I felt guilty for many years. I then felt angry, angry at him for leaving, instead of staying and helping the family. He had several children and a wife needing him, needing his support. Over time, though, I realized he was too hurt, too ill, too overwhelmed and unable to carry on in life. In the end, it all came down to my realizing how much he was hurting and forgiving him for his limitations. It took me at least 15 years to reach a place of peace regarding this loss. The complications around it, someone we love, admire, and need "choosing to leave," or doing something that makes their departure much more likely, is processed differently than a losing someone in another manner.

I am glad he held you for the remainder of the dream. I hope that part was healing in some way.

Of course you miss him. How could you not? I am so sorry for the depth of your grief. I hope you find further resolution, healing and deep peace.

My best to you and to your son.

With Deep Compassion,

WC

Your strength through all this is incredible. I think days like this are going to happen... But you made a choice to be kind to yourself and plans to do something that will help soothe you

That's the one I'm watching :-D

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a bit better now. My mom watched my son for an hour so I could get away and have some alone time. I had a nice relaxing dinner by myself at ihop. I caught up on some blogs. Then I went to the grocery store and did some shopping, which is way easier without my five year old asking for everything he sees lol. Also hit up the liquor store and got a bottle of my favorite wine. That'll be nice.

Sending you an abundance of hugs.

So glad you were able to treat yourself! I think that's so important. Isn't the Prisoner of Azkaban the best though? LOL!!

I hope you enjoy the rest of your evening, (especially with your wine)!

Sending you plenty of hugs and wonderful wishes for you to have a restful sleep tonight. I know it was a tough day.

Thinking of you.

Great big hugs to you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself because you are so strong to be fighting what you are and raising your son alone!

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I hope there is even more sunshine in your day today!

WC

HUGS!!!!!!

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