[raspberrytorte]

I have come up with the reason why I have so many problems with pdocs. I don't think it was them. I think it was me. I always had to be the one in control. NO I'm not going to listen to what you think is best for me. NO I'm not going to go on that med. YES I think you're an asshole because you want me to go on that when I don't want to.

NO I'm not psychotic.

(But in all fairness, no one thinks they're psychotic when they are. I mean, if you know you are you're probably not.)

Towards the end of my last episode, my last doctor wanted to put me on an antipsychotic. I did not want to go one. She prescribed me invega. She even TOLD me that she hoped I'd go on it because if I didn't she believed bipolar was going to destroy my life.

She said that to me!!

The ***** was right!

I should have listened to everyone instead of being so stubborn.

I'm totally admitting defeat here.

I was so proud of myself for being able to hold everything together during my last episode. But really I was just being a stubborn, selfish asshole. I should have gone on FMLA. I should have called in when I needed to. I should have gone into the hospital when it was really apparent that I needed to.

But no... instead I had to drive myself to the point of SUI attempt, losing my family, losing my job, losing, well EVERYTHING. I've lost it all because I was a moron.

So, I'm a good example of what NOT to do during an episode of ultra rapid cycling when you spend the majority of your time on the up end! I'm so mad at myself.

[raspberrytorte]

Just... ****!!!!!!!!!

[jacky8807]

I have a hard time letting any control go to pdoc too. But in my defense they have harmed many ppl as much as they have helped
I hope you find stability soon and reunite with your family even if the road to get there is a hard one

[Coffeee]

Everything is obvious in hindsight! I'm sorry that happened to you it seems very hard to deal with. I can sympathise with the urge to control it by yourself and say you can handle it. Hopefully things work out for you eventually!

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I'm also very stubborn with pdocs and I'm always the one to think of what med i need. And I'm really sorry you're going through all this. I'm kinda in the same situation. BP ruins life's but we need to take care of ourselves or the stress can cause someone to snap. That's how it went down with me. Hang in there hun

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[boogiesmash]

I'm sorry this happened to you ras. All I can say is keep your resolve. Follow med directions even when you don't want to, eat right, exercise, pick up a hobby. Hopefully these 6 months will go by fast, you'll be better and someone new and reunited with your family and meowing cat.

[wildflowerchild25]

I did the same thing when my bipolar first resurfaced. I loved being manic as I had never had euphoria before so I played with my meds and induced it. I went into a mixed episode and by then it was too late I refused to listen to the Pdoc and take a stabilizer bc he wanted me on tegretol which would require bloodwork and I was like no way. Ended up hurting myself pretty badly, stitches, inpatient. Didn't lose my family or my job but it was close. And then it took me a whole year after that (and another manic/mixed/psychotic episode) to actually be med compliant and start listening.

Honestly I didn't start really cracking down on my recovery until I lost my husband. At that point I realized I'm all my son has left and I have to do everything in my power to remain stable and stay out of the hospital. I can't leave him with a crazy parent or worse, no parents at all.

So yes, you've ****ed up. But dwelling on it and beating yourself up for it won't help. All you can do now is move forward. Recommit to recovery. Start researching which meds would be best in your opinion but also take the pdoc's opinion into account. You haven't lost your family permanently. You can find another job or go on disability. Your situation is not hopeless, even though it feels like it is.

You can do this.

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I did the same thing when my bipolar first resurfaced. I loved being manic as I had never had euphoria before so I played with my meds and induced it. I went into a mixed episode and by then it was too late I refused to listen to the Pdoc and take a stabilizer bc he wanted me on tegretol which would require bloodwork and I was like no way. Ended up hurting myself pretty badly, stitches, inpatient. Didn't lose my family or my job but it was close. And then it took me a whole year after that (and another manic/mixed/psychotic episode) to actually be med compliant and start listening.

Honestly I didn't start really cracking down on my recovery until I lost my husband. At that point I realized I'm all my son has left and I have to do everything in my power to remain stable and stay out of the hospital. I can't leave him with a crazy parent or worse, no parents at all.

So yes, you've ****ed up. But dwelling on it and beating yourself up for it won't help. All you can do now is move forward. Recommit to recovery. Start researching which meds would be best in your opinion but also take the pdoc's opinion into account. You haven't lost your family permanently. You can find another job or go on disability. Your situation is not hopeless, even though it feels like it is.

You can do this.

Thank you wildflower.

I'm probably going to spend another week wallowing and boo hooing, and then I'll start doing things to rectify my situation.

I'm allowing myself two weeks to a month of boo hoo. lol

And then I'll be okay.

[Unrigged64072835]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

So yes, you've ****ed up. But dwelling on it and beating yourself up for it won't help. All you can do now is move forward. Recommit to recovery. Start researching which meds would be best in your opinion but also take the pdoc's opinion into account. You haven't lost your family permanently. You can find another job or go on disability. Your situation is not hopeless, even though it feels like it is.

You can do this.

This. Hindsight is 20/20. All you can is pick up the pieces and move on. You made some bad choices and you weren't in your right mind. It doesn't make you a bad person. There's still a lot of good in you.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

Thank you wildflower.

I'm probably going to spend another week wallowing and boo hooing, and then I'll start doing things to rectify my situation.

I'm allowing myself two weeks to a month of boo hoo. lol

And then I'll be okay.

I always give myself some wallowing time lol

[Victoria'smom]

Your strong you'll get past this. You'll rebuild and now you know when your sick.

[snarkydaddy]

You will be okay... Try not to be hard on yourself as tempting as it maybe. I have destroyed my life several times . Right now I am rebuilding... It will be hard... But try to surround yourself with real friends & maybe listen to your pdoc this time with one ear open... You can do this!!

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(((((((((raspberrytorte)))))))))

[pirilin]

It's bad right. It could have been much worse. No way to fix the past.
The present is what really counts. It will let you go to a future.

[hopeless2015]

Like was said above hindsight is 20/20 give yourself time to recover and try not to be hard on yourself. Tomorrow is a new day. HUGS

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[Nammu]

I too let stubbornness destroy my life, I knew better than the doctors. I spent more than 6 month in a hospital then ran for it and ended up alone in a state thousands of miles from my family and everyone I knew. It can get better. It might take awhile but it can get better. It's already started because now you have some insight as to why this got so bad.

[p00dlez]

I am sorry you had a bad episode, trust me I can relate. But cheer up, things can get better. I also wanted to tell you that I think Invega is a good drug. It snaps me out of a manic episode faster than anything else out there. I however cant take it anymore because of the diabetes but I would actually request to be on it if I could.

[Idunno36]

I don't have a problem taking meds or attempting to do anything my psych/therap ask me to do; once there's trust established. I'd rather try something than be miserable/destructive. Not saying that i'm great at doing what im told; but I welcome help and advice. Those that are fortunate enough will seek help. My way does not work all lol

[raspberrytorte]

Thanks everyone.

I'm determined not to let something like this happen again. Honestly. I'll go on any med they prescribe me. I'd rather get fat and sleep all the time and be totally washed out and lose all my hair than let something like this happen again! I will let them inject me with haldol for the next ten years.

And besides that I'm not sure my husband would take me back if there was a next time.

[raspberrytorte]

In fact, I'm going to make an entire list of why I don't want to let this happen again, just as a reminder.

I lose all sense of insight when I'm in an episode.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

In fact, I'm going to make an entire list of why I don't want to let this happen again, just as a reminder.

I lose all sense of insight when I'm in an episode.

Maybe you can make a written contract with your hubby. Giving him permission to make decisions about your care when You are disabled with an episode. You guys can discuss it while you are stable and then you agree to things, write them down and sign it.
That way he has written instructions from you as to what to do when you are getting to be bad off, in an episode.
Kind of like a living will and him being your health care representative.
sorry it is so hard right now, it will get better.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by bizi

Maybe you can make a written contract with your hubby. Giving him permission to make decisions about your care when You are disabled with an episode. You guys can discuss it while you are stable and then you agree to things, write them down and sign it.
That way he has written instructions from you as to what to do when you are getting to be bad off, in an episode.
Kind of like a living will and him being your health care representative.
sorry it is so hard right now, it will get better.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

That's a really good idea.

Thanks, bizi!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I had to give up on rejecting meds for side effects or general fear (sometimes working in psych as a psych patient wasn't the best combination; I was nearly phobic about Seroquel b/c the pdoc where I worked mis-used it to snow people and I couldn't be convinced that it didn't have to be like that) about 11-12 years ago (and many, many meds ago when it became clear treating me wasn't going to be easy or follow normal trends) and I honestly found it freeing. I hate the weight gain. I hope that I have more motivation to work on that as I am starting to wean down to less sedation, slowly.

Honestly, knowing that I was in a place that I didn't get a lot of choice with meds was freeing. I deeply trust my pdoc and I doubt I could do this if it weren't for that because I've pretty much had to tell her "whatever you tell me I'll do" and then I give it a good try. But I also trust her to stop things that don't work and to listen to me. Last summer I had problems with the typical AP I was trying and she let me stay on it longer than she really wanted to because I wanted to see if we could trick my body into accepting it. She knew we couldn't but I wasn't ready to give up and told her that I wanted to try just a month and would not complain (I was in pain from it tightening my muscles). Then when I said I was done with meds and could we please try ECT she pursued that because she listens to me and understood why I was so sick of meds. I just wasn't a good ECT candidate. She looked into rTMS but I couldn't afford it. Same with IOPs and Phps. We did everything to make sure clozaril was the last resort, just as we'd discussed for years since she knew I would probably end up on it eventually. It was like a long checklist to be sure.

So it's been a team effort but after 13 years together this clozaril has me as close to stable as I'll probably ever get. And I can't imagine too many meds I wouldn't take if she suggested it and explained why.

You need a good pdoc that you trust. Some of it is deciding to trust and some they earn. I hope this one is it for you.

[MusicLover82]

I don't believe in holding on to regrets. We all do the best we can at the time.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, though. But please don't be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes and bipolar is a *****. It's not all your fault. ((HUGS))