[Secretum]

I am having a hard time getting myself to do anything. I just want to listen to music and daydream, but that is not a life. Not to mention incompatible with doing well in med school.

Every time I force myself to do something I don't want to do, I feel like I am drowning. It is very uncomfortable.

I try to motivate myself. I think about how I will be in a bad situation if I can't get focused. I think about how guilty I feel when I don't do my work. I think about how great it will be when I'm done with this journey and am a practicing psychiatrist. I think about how proud I would be if I honored all my classes for the semester.

All this does nothing. I can't focus. I can't remember to do my work. Hours and hours pass by with me just staring off into space, listening to my music and browsing Facebook.

I think that this is a combination of ADHD, too many depressive episodes damaging my brain, and avolition from the schizo part of my illness. I have very poor frontal lobe functioning is what I think.

It sucks and I hate it. I want to be successful. I want to be proud, rather than ashamed, of who I am as a human being.

I feel so trapped and helpless because of this.

Any advice?

[Skeezyks]

Hello Secretum: The Skeezyks dislikes giving advice. But I can perhaps offer some observations. I spent many frustrating years chasing a dream similar to yours (i.e. being proud & successful) only to see it all come crashing down in the end.

From my perspective, a person can only be who they are... whether that is who they want to be or not. There's an author whose works I appreciate... Parker J Palmer. Palmer has written that before we decide what we intend to do with our lives, we must first ask what it is our lives intend to do with us.

In other words, we all have things we're good at & things we're not... whether it be because of our skills & abilities or because of our temperament. Trying to force ourselves into a mold we're simply not suited for is a prescription for ongoing unhappiness & frustration. Perhaps the path you are on now is not the one that is going to lead you to that place of pride & success you seek? Only you know the answer to that. I wish you well...

[boogiesmash]

I have motivational problems too. Recently my pdoc added Wellbutrin to my regiment and it has helped a bit but the main focus is willpower. I am finding out that willpower is part of our treatment. I have gotten some books on the subject haven't read them but I believe as bipolar we need to strengthen our willpower. We need more than the average person to balance out our depression. I hope this helps a bit. Meds can only push us so far we must be willing to push ourselves. Many times it is hard.

[MusicLover82]

When I was finishing grad school, I took Ritalin temporarily in combination with my bipolar meds and I was still stable and able to finish my studies with honors. Maybe an ADHD medication would help you? Have you talked to your pdoc about that possibility?

Have you had your Vitamin D levels checked recently? That's another thing to consider. You sound like you are mildly depressed. Are you exercising as well? Getting a lot of aerobic exercise can be just as effective as taking an antidepressant, as you probably know.

You shouldn't be ashamed of yourself no matter what you accomplish. If one path doesn't work for you, I'm sure you'll find something that will. HUGS!

[raspberrytorte]

Oh my god. I feel similar right now. There's so much I know I should be doing, but all I end up doing is listening to music and staring at the ceiling. And when I make myself try writing I get tired. I mean, I wrote one sentence today. That one sentence took a lot out of me. I feel like my brain is fried. Honestly, this last episode fried my brain. I have trouble reading too. I can't focus or concentrate right now.

Seriously, stare at the ceiling and listen to music is all I want to do!

And then I feel guilty because I'm not accomplishing anything, and I think about how I'm wasting my time and need to finish writing my novel.

So... I'm not really sure what we can do. I wish I knew what we could do. I feel like we just have to wait it out. At least I do.