Until it sleeps

Having spent over 15 years on the worst ever rollercoaster, I am finally feeling good. In fact, I have not felt that good in.. well, ever! I have a job I enjoy, it's part time, but I am actually able to hold one! I have an amazing man in my life, I have my animals and my friends. I finally found medication that works for me and I still have the energy to work out regularly. For the first time in my life I'm hopeful for the future.
However, I keep noticing this sense of dread growing inside of me. I have come so far to get where I am now, but I also understand how fragile it is. I know that one slip could cause a catastrophic fall, and my carefully crafted equilibrium will crumble to pieces around me.
Most of the time I can silence and ignore it, but occasionally it becomes too much, and I get paralysed with fear. I feel its pressure on my chest, and it almost seems I can't breath. I can usually pull myself together in a few moments, but I know it went back into hiding until the next time.
I know how counterproductive it is. I know that stressing about it would only make it worse, but I can't help it. I feel trapped in this though cycle.

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I think all of us feel a little bit of dread when we think about slipping into instability. Dont be so hard on yourself. It's really beautiful and amazing that you have built a supportive healthy lifestyle. It's great that you can talk yourself out of those panicked moments. That's healthy and will certainly help you stave off issues. Hugs!

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"In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition demons are accepted with compassion." Machig Labdron 11th Century- Tibet (patron of the Buddhist Chod practice)

Wise words!

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Sounds like your doing great. Keep up the good work and give yourself credit for all the positive changes you've made. Try to focus on all the good progress

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Glad to hear you've created such a robust life for yourself. Try not to worry about it ending. Just enjoy it for what it is now.

A friend of mine recently had a psychotic breakdown which came out of nowhere. It affected me more than I would expect. Keep thinking all the time that it could be me. Been fairly anxious because of it. On a plus side, my partner bought me a puppy, so I don't have much time to mope around

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Glad to hear that you have your life on track. Maybe some mindfulness would help? Stay focused on the present moment and do not worry about the future. Worry is pretty much a useless emotion, anyhow. Have fun with the puppy!

I'm so happy for you that things are going so well. Unfortunately, I can completely relate to feeling like everything could easily come crashing down. Try to live in the moment, practice mindfulness, it might help you through those moments when the weight of life comes crashing down on your chest. (((Hugs)))

this resonates with me very much. cus it is on constant cycle. its like I work so long and hard to recreate a better life only to know it only takes one moment to **** it all up. Crash fall get up again . repeat X2

We must remain hopeful.

Glad.things are going well for you, try and stay positive about the future, and have fun with the puppy.

Thanks for the kind words everyone! I try to keep my chin up and ground myself in a present moment. It took me years to stop living in the past and realise there is a future.

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