Rock bottom

After watching that film bipolar a narration of manic depressive it got me thinking a lot all day. Spoiler alert


The ending was almost identical to my attempt. It also bought some feelings I felt when I tried. I felt lonely hopeless, defeated crushed, pain all I had was one solution. It was my rock bottom moment and almost my final. I'd die at 33 turning 34 and nothing I wanted to accomplish in life ever met. Recently I told my friend sorry for not being around that I died 3 years ago and am waiting to be reborn. I've lived the past three years in autopilot. Not doing anything that mattered to me, not seeking relationship just hiding in bed and only going to work. Sometimes I'd call out just to sleep or hide and stare at the ceiling. Cry more then felt numb. I was improving though as my suicidal feelings felt lower and lower but still in bed. Have I been dead and living. Clearly what I was doing was not living. No social life no pleasurable events no contact with anyone nothing. I was dead

Recently I had a med change and perhaps I hit manic or hypo but was more active and doing my gym and martial arts which I enjoyed. But the depression mildly came back. I spent a few days (not consecutively) in bed. Friday I couldn't sleep I was wired, but morning came I slept a little and woke up 3 hours later. I then fell back asleep and slept the day away. Was I in a transitional phase? Today I saw that film and the depression part related so much. Even to the point of his suicide. I tried it the same way except no blender, pill by pill with scotch. I wanted the pain to end.

I'm not sure where I am going with this post but wanted to write down how I felt and some of these horrible feeling I endured during my rock bottom.

Today I want to live, but afraid that I forgot how.

Do you want to share your rock bottom story?

Hello boogiesmash: Well... the Skeezyks has had a couple of rock bottom experiences I guess. At least I've made two serious attempts to take myself out. Each landed me in a psych ward of two different hospitals. I don't really remember what led up to these events. They were pretty-much spur-of-the-moment decisions fueled more by anger, self-hatred & futility than by depression, I would say...

Beyond that, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. One thing my father, in particular, taught me was to just keep going through the motions. He would say: "You're not required to like it. You're just required to do it." That is pretty-much how I've lived my life. It mostly hasn't been pretty. But I've managed to keep stumbling along to the point where, now, I'm not really required to do much of anything of any consequence. And I don't...

Thanks for sharing your experience...

Thanks for this thread.
I almost wrote a similar one this morning.

Although I have never attempted suicide, I have been so very close many times in my lifetime, even as a child (c-PTSD and depression).

In a nutshell, my life became increasingly challenging with each passing year.

With a recent med change, I am "awakening" from a very foggy, detached kind of existence, which was full of paralyzing despair. I am looking back over the past several years, thinking --"Where the heck have I been?" There are years of my life "missing" somehow.

Just last night, I had attended a barbecue with a group of people I used to be very close with. They all live nearby and I have not seen them for 15 years! They have kept inviting me, yet I was in too much physical pain with severe physical illness, which was compounded by depression, c-PTSD, and now the swings involved in BP II .

Last night, I looked around the table and felt deeply grateful.
Yet, I also was feeling somewhat puzzled about how I had missed so much time with everyone there, along with deep grief for the time lost. (I last saw my friends' son when he was 4 y.o. and he's now headed for college.)

In feeling better, I can look back with a bit more clarity and see how I was deeply depressed.

Right now, I am very sensitive to any signs of "feeling down" or "low," kind of hypervigilant about it because I feel like I just cannot ever fall back into that type of "existence," it does feel like "the living dead."

Thanks for sharing your experiences.


WC

Worst time was when my mom, last surviving parent, died after a long illness. My brother relapsed (bipolar and drugs and went MIA). And my 16-year marriage ended and a four-year divorce started. I did residential for six months and was released fully blown manic with psychosis. What were they thinking? After all that, I can survive anything. Bring it, lol.

Anyway, it was kind of a good turning point albeit a harsh one. An entire new chapter of my life very slowly began and it's gotten better ever since. 2005.

I do have a rock bottom story but first I want to say this.
Boogiesmash you are a super nice person. We have had some great chats.
Even with the difference in our ages I consider you a friend.
You are an intelligent caring human being.
If you ever feel that low again please feel free to talk to me.
I have been in that deep deep hole and I know how it is to feel totally alone.
I am here for you and I would help in any way I can.
I would do this for anyone but you are my bud so here I am.
Glad you are here and Lets keep chatting about tattoos and other cool things.
Thanks my friend.