[mossanimal]

Hi folks,

About three weeks ago I was hospitalized for an overdose of Percocet during a 'breakdown' I had following a very mild argument with my wife. This was my first hospitalization and first attempt at harming myself and I left after 5 days with a BPII diagnosis. Five years prior to this I had very loosely been diagnosed ADHD and was on adderall.. and I was then prescribed Zoloft for depression a few weeks prior to this event. My response to this very brief disagreement with my wife was my typical, intense shut-down which usually leads straight to me finding a place to 'hide' where I begin to run very suicidal, guilt-ridden thoughts through my head. Things like this led to my very first visit to a counselor for what I thought was depression... but then led to ADHD diagnosis. I don't think I ever fully communicated what I've been going through most of my life (multiple passions leading to quitting doctorate, quitting Peace Corp, job to job, adventure to adventure, girl to girl.. all followed by periods of depression).

Anyway.. I've been thinking about that night when I overdosed. I've basically been in a period of depression for the last year or so.. but when I go into those shut-downs it doesn't feel like depression. It's intense, mercurial. I sit quietly with fire raging in my head. This last time I went into an almost euphoric state where I started focusing both on the trees swaying in the wind being startled by it's beauty.. but at the same time running thoughts of: I don't fit in, i don't fit in, I don't fit in. After trying to cut my arm with the edge of a stone.. I quietly went into my bathroom and downed the Percocet.

So... Can mania lead to suicidal/self-damaging events? Might this be considered a 'mixed event'?

All of this psychotherapy is so new to me.. prior to my current marriage and creation of a family.. I've never sought help despite the depression, financial problems and lack of a clear future. I was in permanent adventure mode. Then I settled with a wonderful wife, produced wonderful kids and live in a beautiful place working as a swordsmith (my latest passion). I SHOULD be happy.. but then I constantly find a new path to destruction.

[Victoria'smom]

Mixed episodes happen to a lot of us. Most of us have outside reasons for seeking help.

I SHOULD be happy.. but then I constantly find a new path to destruction

That's how I feel often too.

[Wild Coyote]

I hope you feel you can share openly with your therapist/pdoc.
Often, events need to be viewed in context to understand exactly what's happening.

This might be an aspect of your bipolar condition and/or an aspect of your personality traits, etc.

It sounds like this is in reaction to conflict with your wife, which isn't necessarily a trait of bipolar. My friend with BPD describes very similar reactions to interpersonal conflicts -- rage, intense shutdowns, euphoria, etc.

It takes close and prolonged observation, putting events into proper context to tell the difference, to be most accurate about what's going on with you.

I hope you can work closely with a sound therapist/pdoc and can sort out any questions. moving forward on your path to healing.


WC

[Skeezyks]

Hello mossanimal: The Skeezyks can't comment with regard to your questions. I don't really know that much about all of this psychology business either. And I'm old enough that it no longer much matters. I've made a few do-it-yerself attempts in the past. And I still deal with passive suicidal thoughts on a daily basis.

The good thing, in my case, is that I'm old enough I no longer have to fit in... and I don't. I just keep to myself. I guess I should be happy too. I'm married & while we're not rich by any means we're secure & we seem to have our health, for the most part. What more could I ask for? However, the reality is I'm not happy either. In fact happiness is not something I even seek any longer. What I strive for is simple acceptance of where I've been & of the way things are now.

I'm glad you have your wife & kids, a beautiful place to live & work for which you have a passion. These are great gifts. I send my best wishes with the hope that, in some way, you will also be able to find deep peace within...

[mossanimal]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I hope you feel you can share openly with your therapist/pdoc.
Often, events need to be viewed in context to understand exactly what's happening.

This might be an aspect of your bipolar condition and/or an aspect of your personality traits, etc.

It sounds like this is in reaction to conflict with your wife, which isn't necessarily a trait of bipolar. My friend with BPD describes very similar reactions to interpersonal conflicts -- rage, intense shutdowns, euphoria, etc.

It takes close and prolonged observation, putting events into proper context to tell the difference, to be most accurate about what's going on with you.

I hope you can work closely with a sound therapist/pdoc and can sort out any questions. moving forward on your path to healing.


WC

Thank you Wild Coyote. This has all happened in such a short term I haven't had very many discussions with my new team due to travel demands following my hospital release a few weeks ago (or whenever.. I have no concept of time anymore).

Ughh... this 'personality traits' versus a potential mental disorder is very stressful to me. When does a personality trait that causes multiple (and now severe in regards to my recent overdose) become a disorder???

As to my reaction to my wife.. well.. to me it only happens if I'm already in some kind of state of mind. When I feel 'normal' I don't respond to petty arguments in this manner.

I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now and I want to know what is wrong with me.. and I'm absolutely consumed with research into bipolar disorder right now.. or whatever similar or co-morbid issues associated with it. Do people become manic learning about their mania???!!!!

Save

[xRavenx]

Sorry you are experiencing all of this. Hugs to you. I also have difficulties from time to time differentiating between personality vs. stressful event vs. episodes/symptoms. I think they are all clustered into one where the mania/depression/or mixed states complicate my response to the stressor as well as they bring out some personality issues. While I do believe it could be a possibility this can be your natural response to a trigger (which in this case is the situation with your wife), if other symptoms or signs were present before this, then maybe it is an episode or at least BP symptoms too.

If the case is Bipolar symptoms, it sounds like it can either be an irritable form of hypomania or some mixed depression/hypomania. Definitely talk to pdoc about these concerns. Another possibility is personality disorder traits that sometimes co-occurs with Bipolar or is even a misdiagnosis. If you can explain to your doc and/or therapist some of your personality traits, maybe they can explore this further to better help you distinguish. A therapist would especially spend the time with you to help examine this, and maybe both the pdoc and therapist can communicate to help figure this out so you can get more effective treatment. Just some things to consider.