I thought i became cynical enough....

But i still feel. Too much.

On bus home from my beloved ukraine, traveled the country west to east and back again, fluctuating between euphoria and despair. Beautiful country... On the edge. Talked to people and tried to do some good. Lots of work ahead and i am slightly tired of being the heroic volunteer. But i been told again and again how important my doings are. So i guess i put my on my flower headpeace and carry on.

Heard stories. Seen things. I pray for all those there in the east... they are the best of the nation and we need people who can change the world alive.

Feel years older. Have not slept too much and cannot really blame the trains or cheap hostels. Its more cause of shaky frontlines, uncertain future...

On the other hand, i can use heroism of some i met as inspiration. I wanna na like that. Maybe i can. I hope so.

I avoid a lot of things in life (media-based, primarily - news or movies/tv) because I feel too much when I hear/view things. It must have been very challenging for you to absorb everything firsthand. I hope you get some peace for a time and get a chance to nurture yourself. I'm sure you need to be fully recharged before you give all your energy back into your important work there.

I wish it was easier...

One more thought - interestingly, this is one thing (the only) that I can find relief in on my way into a depressed episode - there's a sweet spot for me sometimes where I don't feel anything at all, and it can be such a break from feeling everything all the time. If it lasts for any length of time, though, it starts to get pretty damaging. So I wouldn't glorify the cynicism unnecessarily - I think it's a brief and hollow respite.

What motivates me is that I know that I am doing the right thing (well I believe so at least... and if I am wrong, so it be, don´t want to be right) and that it makes difference.. And I am not even sacrfizing that much....

I don´t want to become numb to happenings... that would undo my purpose. I need to feel. But I thought I was much more of hardass chick, not somebody who cries by impromptu memorials. I try to be calm around people... but as I said before, I sometimes come off as agressive and fanatical.

I realized it´s all much more complicated than it seemed first (and I knew i was dealing with big big mess).

Somewhat depressed. Not even sure why. Feel somewhat traumatized and "ahressive".

Will try to party a bit today and hopd it helps...

It's ok to just be V.


We don't always have to remedy our feelings, sometimes sitting with them is what helps them pass.


But! If its a party you want, by all means enjoy!!!

Well, the party was sorta fail (it was supposed to Ukrainian Independence day, belated edition)... but sans vodka and salo. Instead they sold RAW PIZZA and simmilar hipster BS....

well, went to drink with friend to a pub. That helped somewhat.

But need to pull myself together and start doing things.

And maybe do something about some of my traumas. Not sure how though.

I truly admire people who follow their heart.
Bless you for your work.

Please take good care, as the world (we) need courageous people like you.


WC