[dorsey555]

Hi,
I wonder how long that I'm going to be able to do a good job at work. I make my own schedule so that I don't have to go in when I can't face people. It hurts my finances but at least no one sees me at my worst. Today I was swinging between severe insecurity and thinking that I was so smart, so right. I got angry a lot, but tried to hide it. I said something rude to another employee, then I beat myself up for it. I know that I am on the edge at times, and it scares me. Most people respect and like me, but i think to myself, "if they only knew how hard it is sometimes to just show up." Does anyone else have challenges trying to stay fully functioning at work?

[dreamrunner]

Yes I have challenges.Its hard for me to not get too excited sometimes....always in check.Im sure poeple think Im moody when Im depressed.....I try to hide that but even the way I carry myself is a sure sign.Theres somedays I think I cant handle work and other days Im counting the minutes to get out of there.
The way I see it Ill try to function as long as I can,

[whoknowswhatsnext]

I feel for you. I have cut back on my hours at work so that I am at a bare minimum. I just don't "play well with others" currently.

Funny thing is I am ok with patients it is the other people I work with. I feel like they are out to get me and they are total idiots that can't do thier job correctly. It really drives me up a wall when I am there.

If I am down on that particular day I come home and cry about it. If I am up then I try not to make a fool of myself at work by holding my tounge and such. I have blown it a couple of times. Though what I said was completely warrented it came out completly wrong and I was "spoken to" about it later.

I am holding on until I can set something up to work out of my house and not have to deal with other people.

[Direction]

When I started realizing I was having issues at work is when I started to really take actions...changed pdocs...got the correct DX and meds...

I'm still having trouble...this is the first time it really effected my work...

I think you can go long term...unfortunately it takes a lot of energy (as you said to just show up)

I've made a grid (I like check marks) to give me some structure at home and work...I record the number of hours that I'm at work actually on task...

It's starting to help.

Just remember you can be "high functioning" in spite of that fact everything feels like it is falling apart.

Biggest challenge in my life has been the struggle to FIND a good pdoc, the right dx.

I have to hide behind a cpu because I can't face ppl one on one..

Means I'm out of the "real world", everyday meetings and conversations at work I miss.

Always trying to catch up...

[Kerit71]

My issue has been that I was not diagnosed until my early thirties...and I had symptoms in my late teens.

I went from job to job to job through my late teens into my thirties. When I had my breakdown two years ago, and applied for disability...we counted 45 jobs in the last 16 years. That alone should be a huge red flag, right?

Anyhow, I was denied disability...twice. I am waiting for my appeal hearing and in the meanwhile had to try to go back to work because my family has been two steps from homeless since I had my breakdown...

my attorney said it can hurt my case...working...but what are ya suppposed to do?

I have yet to find the right job for me. I have worked in healthcare as a CNA and Telemetry technician, in retail sales, in an office, as a bartender, delivering pizzas, in a restaurant, convenience store, telemarketer, and the list goes on and on...

I have yet to figure out how to balance my moods out enough to be able to handle any job at all.

I have been working in an office in the last couple of months but have missed a ton of work...it is only a matter of time before they are done with me.

Ugh. Sorry for the rambling.

[dreamrunner]

Your not rambling,
seems we all have our crosses to bear.

Stigma and work scares the ***** out of me and often Ive thought that If I were my own boss Id feel less anxious.
I guess its balance and self care first.Gotta do what you need to do.

[dorsey555]

Wow...Thanks everybody. I was actually thinking when i wrote this post that no one would respond. it's amazing how isolated this bipolar can make you feel. My friend with the bipolar family members...at least you're not isolated.(grin) I sort of lost it again this morning at work again. i won't bore you guys with the details. It's funny, and somewhat comforting to think, that other people are having a rough time too, that it's not because I'm some kind of bad person. We're like spinning tops, wound up a little too tight at times. What about the statistics that say that we bipolars have high intelligence? Maybe the answer is in my trying to use it to develop something at home also. This is the first time i've seriously considered that. I'm 52 next month, and even if I can push myself another 10, 15 years, i'm not sure that I want to do that to myself. Anyway, thanks again everybody. One last note: the energy that we spend trying to function at work just might be better used in a safer, less pressured endeavor. something to think about.

[Parks]

It is amazing what kind of mental gyrations we can all go through at work.
I work with people who are very easy to get along with, or try to be, but my day is usually a constant struggle with a combination of anxiety, distractability, hypervigilance, paranoia, grandiosity and self-loathing. Being in my head is definitely an ever changing experience, lol. As much as I can I try to stay to myself, and stay as busy as possible. I always hold myself suspect, and try to hold down my hyperness, and irritability. I've often thought it would be so much easier to work from home. Of course when I was on disability I never thought it would be possible for me to hold down a job. So who knows, it may get easier with time. All we can do is keep plugging away. The alternative is kinda bleak.

[Mother_Goose]

I just joined this forum after reading this thread... I, too, have many jobs on my resume, and am leaving my current job soon, if I can't get out of this pit.

I stay at a job until it just beats me to death. I'm not in any condition to find another job before I quit this one. I have to quit, recharge my batteries for about a month, and then I'll be back up and energetic and confident and I can sell myself, once again.

I'm too old to keep job hopping! But I'm too exhausted to stay. Too depressed, and too unstable. Too angry!

Thanks for letting me unload a bit. I need to get to bed so I will get up in time to call in sick.

[maryelisabeth]

Oh Crap I 'm totally %#@&#! then I scored a 37 on the quiz and just laned a great nanny job the best part is I can bring my son but reading all these stories it sounds like me Crap what i;m i going to do

[Direction]

MaryElisabeth...welcome to PC...don't get two caught up in worring about it...like I mentioned to Dorsey and now to you...

I would call my career highly successful in spite of the issues that surround BP and BPD

[bipolar_bear]

Many people can work with bipolar. Maybe you can be aware of what your moods are and adjust accordingly at work? I hope your job works out well. Please don't just rely on an online test but get the dx from a professional and work with them. There are meds that can help you function well. Take care.

BB

[Mother_Goose]

problem solved, again...
I just quit my job...

[Bipolar_Geek]

I've been a long-time lurker on the forum and have finally decided to tell a little about myself.

A little bit of background on me is that I was diagnosed manic depressive in 1992. Didn't understand it at the time and chalked up to regular depression. I had hospitalization 2 years ago and correctly diagnosed with BP1.

My current situation is that I am a programmer and have been bouncing around 8 different jobs in 12 years. I found that I cannot take the stress of my jobs but do the best I can since my family needs my help in the household income. The light at the end of the tunnel is that in about 3 years we will be financially secure enough for me to change careers to less stress. So, I essentially grind it out by taking the depression, mania, self doubt, etc.

My question is that do you have to become more heavily medicated to be able to handle the stress and BP so you can function? Is this a viscious cycle until I have to give up and go on SSD? Has anyone been successful to keep symptoms down with less stressful job?

Thanks in advance...

[Bipolar_Geek]

I'm sorry to hear that Goose... I hope everything works out for the best.

[lenjan]

I've been able to work with BP, but I've had relatively understanding bosses, otherwise I'd be in the same boat as everybody else. There are days I just can't function, but I try to muddle through as best I can. I am my sole support, so I don't have much choice.