Is this possible?

To feel sad and happy at the same time? As I was driving around today, I felt like "Ok, I'm in a good mood, I'm getting stuff done" but at the same time and deep down there is emptiness and sadness. I feel both; functional, able to get everything done (I did so much cleaning and shopping today), but there is a who cares/why bother attitude back there trying to take over. Anyone else?

I go through that daily. Answering that question, yes it is real. Usually the negative wins out, sadly. Gotta quit that stuff.

Yes, I feel this way a lot to. It's hard to fight it off. Sometimes I wonder if anything makes me happy.

I feel like that a lot when depressed. Like I could be out doing something enjoyable like going to a concert or hanging out with my friends and I'll be happy in the moment but there will still be that gnawing emptiness. It sucks. But when I come out of the depression it goes away.

*raises both hands* I've been feeling this way the past few days at least.

Yes, I feel this a lot. It can be frustrating and confusing. Its worse during my mixed episodes.

That happens to me in mixed episodes. It's awful...I have all this energy but I'm too depressed to do anything but pace and think about how terrible my life is. Here's what happened during one of my episodes: I found myself sitting on my bathroom floor at 2 AM scrubbing the tiles with an old toothbrush and bawling my head off. That bout lasted about two weeks before I finally called my pdoc in desperation.

Yup, it's absolutely possible. I have that when I'm having a Mixed Episode. It sucks!

I have lived with S Ideation since I can remember, since my childhood. That and the voice which tells me its all futile never stop. They both may ease up a little, yet both never stop.

Even when everything external looks great, inside myself I am struggling.
It's just a better time to quit.

Over the many years, my doctors say this is from all of the trauma, goes hand-in-hand with c-PTSD.

The part I don't understand is: I feel this way on the inside, yet go out smiling and people are drawn to me. I sincerely like them and sincerely have fun with them. I'll instigate the fun! Yet these deep inner programs hold their ground and start the second I am not fully distracted.

A lifetime of "doing the opposite."

and

WC

You wrote so much better than I did. This is exactly how I feel and what happens to me. Thank you for sharing!

I liken my mood, or feeling to walking on a tightrope that is only a foot off the ground. Keeping my balance means I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Touching the ground means my anxiety is high, and the resulting depression of thinking I will never walk the distance without falling. Happy and sad exist right next to each other for me,in that I am never so far way from one or the other to not still have a good view of it.

I love this explanation too!! Wow, you all are amazing! Sucks that it's for not so happy reasons.

A part of me is always sad.

Yep, like Crazy Hitch said, during Mixed Episodes. Those are theeee worst!!! It's made all the more extreme if I take a percocet for pain (lumbar fusion). I'm the kind of person that opiates and opioids do not knock out... I get "activated" and mildly euphoric. It's almost like a mania. I can get a lot done, or so I think. But the sadness and depression is always there underneath. There are times I am naturally happy and cheerful, but come to think of it, those days are fewer and further between.

Oh yeah, definitely! It's always there under the surface. I too can be very social and having a good time, but it's always there in the back of my mind. It just sits there. Whenever I'm by myself is when I notice it. I feel like it's just all one big lie and that I'm just plain tired and know the good time isn't the primary scenario in my life.

I'm glad that this isn't just me. It really does feel like that sadness just hangs out in the background even though I'm in a good mood, I'm social and I'm out and about.