Should I give this to my T. (May Trigger)

This is a list I am thinking about giving to my T I am meeting for the first time next week. I don't want him to see it, but I know he needs to know what I am dealing with. What are your thoughts? What will happen if they see this?

Things you should know.

((Lack of sleep)) - have to force myself to go to bed. then toss and turn and sleep maybe 2-3 hours I think, and wake backuptotoss andnturn until getting up. My back and joints hurt terribly and fatigue builds to very tough to endure levels. If I don't make myself go to bed, I will stay up till i am physically ill and in terrible pain several days later. There are peiods I can not perform simple tasks without confusion, and memory loss of what I was even trying to do. I try to sleep and can only achieve a half awake half asleep state where I dream with my eyes open only they are mixed up and all at the same time and it hurts my brain to try to understand seeing so many dreams at once and loud sounds jolt me out of bed but the noises are not in real life. Eventually I will sleep, to wake up in a bad mood and irritable. but not as tired or fatigued.

((Mood swings)) = I will be irritated and want to do nothing and see nobody and be left alone, and have to fight to keep from verbally insulting anyone who bothers or annoys me, as I loathe anyone in my presence like I hate people existing in my space (even my family), like it is an assault on my senses for them to be in my sight. Right now I am fine with being the sole survivor of some catastrophic event where the earth belongs to me. Other times I feel somewhat "normal" and somewhat tired, and just hohum,and i can generally do normal things but am not really engaged in anything, I dont really know if this is a mood for me or some period here I am just worn out mentally. The rest of the time I am excited and even like an orgasm of the mind level of awsomeness. I can solve any problem, create anything, answer anything, and out work anybody i've ever met. I learn with a fierce lust and can even pull knowledge, from some kind of universal truth in the universe. Like placing a vacuum on the universe with my mind, to access patterns and processes to figure things out. This particular mood has made me the fastest technician, the best multitasker, basically anything I desire. I also feel hot, like a fever, with flashes of temperature and sometimes nausea depending on how long I have been going. My libido will sometimes be very intense, with self pleasure sessions lasting as long as 6-8 hours continuous. I have even worn through the skin on my genitalia and left it raw with loose skin hanging off from broken blisters. (Very slow and painful to heal). I generally do not experience the libido aspect again until well after I have healed from before. (painful lessons). I try tofocus my attention in a positive way, and must remain focused becauseif not I start pacing the floor, and singing, and clapping my hands at times, and saying random repeatable sounds and made up phrases, skipping, and hopping, and playing air drums on solid surfaces. In years past when I did physical exercise I would work out at the gym for 4-6 hours lifting weights and doing treadmill and stair climber. Often overusing muscles and tendons to the point of physical damage and long lasting chronic pain. I get bored with things after awhile, and move on to anything that can peak my interest, and do it till i am sick of it. I have filed bankruptcy three times in my life, and am on the edge of financial ruin again now. I have owned around 100 various cars and trucks. I have bought five motorcycles in the last 3-4 years which I rode crazily, and often, and traded them off to buy different losing thousands of dollars overall to have zero motorcycles now. I have started multiple businesses that failed, and thousands of dollars worth of equipment that sits unused, or sold off to be bought again and repeated. I have to fight to keep money, because money must be spent, and it must be spent on things researched extensively to buy the best and the greatest, and I have to know all about it, and read forums, and then throw it aside to gather dust, and find something new to get excited about. I have the highest level amateur radio license a person can get, and have spent up to ten thousand dollars on radio equipment, to grow bored with it and sell it off at a loss on ebay. I have done the same thing with metal detecting, radio control cars, trucks, and helicopters.All makes Diesel trucks, mustangs, tractors, edc pocket carry items, flashlights, knives. Alternative nergy, Solar panels, RV living. If I know it inside and out, then it loses it's effectiveness to sufficiently load my mental resources to avoid going to the dark side.

((Paranoia)) = People spy on me and follow me around. Tell other people reasons to hate me, or sabotage my efforts.
My family discussing me behind my back. People sneaking in my house and going through my things. I have to always watch from the windows, or view my security cameras. Every time I have slept, or been gone I have to review the footage to look for suspicious activity or any sign of people watching me. I have my system set to notify my phone when there is motion in the zones. Discussing my fears with anyone leads to whatever group that stalks me attaining this information to more effectively play on my fears and hone their craft of cointelpro.

((Anxiety)) = Always have some level of worry, fear, physically tense, there is seldom a period where I am relaxed, just doesn't happen. The escape from anxiety is when I get highly energized and get euphoric, if I can keep my mind out of the dark side, then anxiety is pushed aside temporarily but only if I can stay focused and distracted. Idle hands is anxieties playground. If my anxiety is high I prefer to stay at home. Going into public, or leaving home in the car causes a marked increase in anxiety.

((Panic attacks)) = These occur when my anxiety builds to a unsustainable level, and sometimes are associated with my high energy alertful times, if I have gone fearful and lost focus on positive things. They consist of sweating, feeling of fever, exteme hot sensations in the center of my head, tremors, extreme terror, racing recurring thoughts of everything that scares me, death is nearby and may take me, extreme nausea, the scary side of my mind shows me it can drag me to the depths of hell, my vision grows dark and tunnel like, I have no balance, I dry heave, or actually vomit forcefully while shaking and begging for mercy. I cry and have chest pains. An attack of this level can build up and maintain partial intensity, and slowly taper or go full blown and be over within 5-15 minutes. Partil or full, the experience devestates me and leaves me exhausted, and terrified it will happen again.

((Repetitive behaviors)) = pacing the floor from one end of the house to the other and from window to window. Air typing the words in my thoughts. Cannot lock a door, set an alarm clock, torque bolts, turn things off, without doing it over and over. I have spent as long as 10 minutes repushing the button on an alarm clock, only to do it again. I have been observed torquing lug nuts on a car over and over, only to be plagued with thoughts of having forgot to do it later and go back to do it again. I have to eat with specific utensils that have a particular shape and feel. If someone else gets me a fork or spoon and it isn't right I have to go find the right style. When I rode a motorcycle, i turned the turn signal off over and over and over, and continually checked that I was in 6th gear. I clap my hands in random and repeatable patterns. I say phrases, and repeat sounds.

((Recurring thoughts)) = the severity of this is regulated by how tired I am, or energized. I tend to replay events in my mind, replay things I wish I had not said, things said to me. Scenarios that end badly, but do not exist in reality. Nightmares I have had, some that could come true, others that are too outlandish. Why did I tell Tyler about this or that, why didn't I tell him this or that. Should I tell my assigned therapist this or that? I can't tell him about this! What If they won't let me go home? What if they already know what I havnt said? Why did Tyler mention a white car watching the building? I never told anybody tyler knows about white cars? Why am I locked in during therapy? Am I capable of knowing how unstable my mind is? Does whoever is watching me know I am failing mentally? Are they waiting for me to lose my edge? I can't lose my edge? Why are there electromagnetic fields so strong in my room? The new wifi electrical meter is right outside my window? Was that "him" at the convenience store in Maize? Did he recognize me? Why did I send him a facebook message? Maybe he hasn't found it yet? What if it set in motion another attack, that is near implementation? Do I have cancer? Why does my abdomen hurt there? It's just a muscle injury from a car wreck. What if I get constipated? How long will I suffer when I die? Who will take care of mom if I am not here? Will my sister move back home if I lose it? Does mom pick at me to start a fight? I am not her husband? I will not live like her dad did! Is John one of them? Why does John know things I havnt said? They are making their move! Which way do I run? Will they corner me in the mental health building? What happens if I cant control my own mind? There is nothing wrong with me!!! I just need distraction!!! I shouldn't be thinking about all these things at once!!! F***! This list could be used to destroy me! I should destroy this list! There are things I can't write on this list. Maybe he will know I'm not saying everything!!! What if he is smarter than me? Do they have buttons under their desk to call the guys in white coats? There are worse things than death! What if I take meds and go crazy? What if I don't know to stop taking them? What have I done? Maybe I should cancel the appointments!!! What did i sign in tylers office? Do they already have authority over me? Why do I have to wait so long to see a therapist? It's not real!!!!!!!!!! This is normal. Mom is afraid of me. She doesnt understand. I should have never told anybody about any of this. If I could fix this myself, wouldnt I have done it by now? What am I hiding from myself? I know there re things my mind is holding at bay? I've heard the rattle from behind the closed doors!! What if a panic attack started, but never ended? Will I have a heart attack soon?? What if nobody helps me? I am still me! I really am all alone! People who act like they get me, secretly think I am mentally gone! Am I gone mentally! How would I know? Will this all be over soon? There are still good days aren't there??? I'm ruined again financially! They will kill me! I'd rather be killed than taken! I should delete all this right now, while I still can! It has to end! How could this look any way but bad.

((Relationships)) I do not go visit people who I considered friends, though I dont know if they ever thouht of me as more than an aquaintence. If they show up here at my house or call me then it irritates me, and i think what the hell are you bothering me for. Go the hell away, if I want o see you I will tell you. I dont say these things of coarse, just think them. I feel the same way usually if people engage me in public. I can act friendly if I want to, and engage people if it serves a purpose. I hate small talk, and when my family members try to tellme about their day, or some random crap, I just look at them like they are spilling a drink on me. I try hard not to offend or hurt people that I care bout, but my mouth sometimes runs before I can filter it. I tend to say, or want to say the bitter truth to people even if it hurts, an maybe I think the truth should hurt. Who am I kidding, I want the truth to hurt, especially if they are whining about something they brought on themselves. At least it will shut them up, and stop hasseling me with that crap. People have called me anti-social before, they ar right. I want to talk to who I want to talk to when I want o talk to them, and about what I want to talk about. I'll tolerate little stray from this before I cut the conversation off and leave their presence. Cross me and we are done. There is nobody on this planet that I will not write off and walk away from forever if you piss me off far enough. I'll write most people off, if they irritate me. I wrote my dad off years ago, for good reason. And when he got cancer and died, not my problem he was an asshole. Just because somebody is sick sdoesnt mean they arent still a bad person. I apparently picked the right time to talk about this as I am in my dont bother me, go away and never come back mood. ***** of it is, if I hurt somebody I care about with my attitude or words, I hurt too. I am sorry for it, and there is no excuse for it. I try to make it up to them, but it needs to be when I am not in this mood. I avoid people to protect their feelings as well as mine.

I haven't always been this way. Or maybe I have.

This is very comprehensive and I think your T would appreciate it. Though don't be surprised if he asks you to expand -verbally- on much of the above. I would add how long these feelings and behaviors last and, most of all, what triggers them. I think in therapy, triggers are addressed a lot and you will be taught ways to cope with them and the ensuing moods/actions, etc. Even if the BP-related aspects of what you wrote are acknowledged, I feel like a T will want to get to the bottom of what you feel and why you act/react as you do. But this would be good for anyone, with any diagnosis, and I think super helpful.

Good luck on this new journey you are going through! You're brave to share to much. I hope it's helpful.

I think it is a great idea to share all of this with your therapist. The more information given, the more help you can get. The first time I saw my pdoc, I gave a handwritten letter documenting some of my episodes and described exactly what I experienced, and it helped her come to a diagnosis right away. You are very good at articulating your thoughts and feelings in great depth, and I agree with Gabyunbound that adding triggers and length of time symptoms last would help tremendously. Best wishes.

I may be jumping on the bandwagon late but this seems like a comprehensive list that your therapist would appreciate.

It's likely your therapist will find this helpful in supporting you.


WC