Does anyone else have this problem with a family member? For years, my sister had been nibbling me to death like a duck. A few months ago, I dropped her. That was the second time I'd broken off with her, and this time I won't allow anyone else in the family to cajole me into opening up familial relations with her again. Her pattern: disagree with every teeny, tiny thing I'd say; privately criticize what I would say to her sons -- from the time they were teens, till now when they are in their 40s. Like one time her teenage youngest dyed his hair pitch black and cut it in the latest male teen style. I told him it looked nice. She later said I should not have said that to him because she hated the way he looked! This is especially interesting coming from her -- when she was a teen, she dressed those days' equivalent of a goth - black clothes, black lipstick, white powered face. As for nibbling me -- she accused me of saying things I did not say, and denied saying things that she did say. We talked on the phone once a week, and these conversations were very confusing -- crazy-making? -- to me. But more recently -- I caught her in the act of this fake denial behavior. We started communicating via email, and I had all the proof I needed to show that I did NOT say the things she accused me of saying. and discovered that the things she denied saying,, she actually did say -- in print.. That did it. I had proof of her nibbling and denials. So I dropped her. Two of my best friends AND my therapist said these exact words, no prompting from me: "You are up and down, up and down, with your sister. " How true! That really work me up, too. We'd communicate well, and I would be SO HAPPY that THINGS WERE WORKING OUT. 2-3 days later, the old ways of nibbling and nit picking would return, and I'd be VERY UPSET. As for my sister herself: I believe she is a very confused and lost person, despite her outward appearance having a beautiful house, gorgeous clothes, a beautiful face and body. I do not think she is deliberately trying to hurt me. But we can't agree on anything at all. I'm guessing that she has not told anyone else in our extended family about our estrangement.. That would damage her image, and she is very much a family-secrets type person anyway.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

So, she gaslights you, makes you anxious waver between hope and distress, and tries her best to make you feel like your opinions and thoughts are 'wrong' because they're not hers. I think you've named it perfectly - she's trying to nibble you...into her own shape.

I don't think there's anything wrong with dropping the rope with family members (or anyone else, for that matter) who are painful to be around. That doesn't have to mean that they're a bad person, just that their dynamic with you isn't healthy for you.

I have done a similar thing with my two brothers; it was painful for me to try to have with them the kind of relationship I thought siblings should have. I dropped the rope, and now I reply if/when they email or text me...which is maybe once every 6 weeks for one, and once every 8-12 weeks for the other. I don't hate them, and I don't even think they are bad people. The kind of people they are, though, is not healthy for me when it comes to investing in a relationship. I feel much less stress in that part of my life now. I don't feel like I need to bring it up to anyone at all. Honestly, I don't have any idea whether either of them have even noticed. It was more about me changing my behaviors and emotional investment in those relationships than drawing a line in the sand with them. It has had the byproduct of clarifying how/why they communicate with me, which has also been beneficial in making me feel OK dropping the rope.

I hope the space you're creating for yourself now is beneficial to you, also. You deserve to develop relationships with people who feed and nurture you and your soul, family or otherwise.

[Wild Coyote]

I think, at least initially, we tend to want to heal relationships with family members. We can try again and again and not get anywhere if/when others are not also invested in transforming unhealthy dynamics into healthy dynamics.

At some point we're better off to choose whatever contributes to a healthier life, on all levels.

It's tough to let go of relationships with family members; however, sometimes it's truly in our best interests.


WC

Hi "GoodIdeas"! You are right on for most of your reply. And thank you for the reply and story about your brothers. I don't agree with your first sentence about my sister, though -- gaslighting is deliberate, a calculated, evil intent to confuse and drive someone mad. This is not at all what my sister does. Also, I honestly don't think she is trying to make me like her. She is just confused, and for some reason when she and I try to communicate on just about anything, she hears and intuits one thing, and I another. It's just weird, that's what it is. It's hard to say if she is trying to nibble me "into her own shape." Maybe she is. I don't know. I do know that she is trying to nibble me into saying and doing what fits within her own esthetic and values parameters.

Thanks for your last paragraph, too, hoping I'm creating good relationships and essentially good times. Yes, I am.

Originally Posted by NoIdeaWhatToDo

So, she gaslights you, makes you anxious waver between hope and distress, and tries her best to make you feel like your opinions and thoughts are 'wrong' because they're not hers. I think you've named it perfectly - she's trying to nibble you...into her own shape.

I don't think there's anything wrong with dropping the rope with family members (or anyone else, for that matter) who are painful to be around. That doesn't have to mean that they're a bad person, just that their dynamic with you isn't healthy for you.

I have done a similar thing with my two brothers; it was painful for me to try to have with them the kind of relationship I thought siblings should have. I dropped the rope, and now I reply if/when they email or text me...which is maybe once every 6 weeks for one, and once every 8-12 weeks for the other. I don't hate them, and I don't even think they are bad people. The kind of people they are, though, is not healthy for me when it comes to investing in a relationship. I feel much less stress in that part of my life now. I don't feel like I need to bring it up to anyone at all. Honestly, I don't have any idea whether either of them have even noticed. It was more about me changing my behaviors and emotional investment in those relationships than drawing a line in the sand with them. It has had the byproduct of clarifying how/why they communicate with me, which has also been beneficial in making me feel OK dropping the rope.

I hope the space you're creating for yourself now is beneficial to you, also. You deserve to develop relationships with people who feed and nurture you and your soul, family or otherwise.

Dear Wild Coyote, all of what you say is wise and so very true.

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I think, at least initially, we tend to want to heal relationships with family members. We can try again and again and not get anywhere if/when others are not also invested in transforming unhealthy dynamics into healthy dynamics.

At some point we're better off to choose whatever contributes to a healthier life, on all levels.

It's tough to let go of relationships with family members; however, sometimes it's truly in our best interests.


WC

[BipolaRNurse]

I have a sister who's a lot like the OP's. Unfortunately, she is a toxic person and I have to keep her at arm's length in order to prevent her from nibbling me to death. I love her but it's safer to love her at a distance.

Dear BipolaRNurse, Thanks for writing....who is the OP? Sorry I don't know that abbreviation. I'll reply more later, when I know.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Originally Posted by flowerbells

Dear BipolaRNurse, Thanks for writing....who is the OP? Sorry I don't know that abbreviation. I'll reply more later, when I know.

OP = Original Poster, i.e., you.

Thank you, WhatToDo, for the translation of OP! And regarding BipolaRNurse's post about her sister. She says her sister is a lot like mine. As for loving my own sister, I don't know what love is. I love who she used to be, not what she is now. She's become a radical, extreme "positive person" who apparently keeps her sanity somewhat intact by living in denial about anything bad, unpleasant, or anything that can't be meditated away somehow -- for herself or me or other people she hurts. Unfortunately, she started on this track after I was in a religion like that for 11 years. She got the idea from me. Hopefully she, too, will wake up to the real world. I personally and strongly believe that if she and I could go to therapy together and work out some really deep stuff -- the relationship she and I had as kids -- this would bring about a good relationship between us now. But she is not willing to do this. As the older sister by 6 years, I picked on her a lot. I was also a very good sister in so many ways. She remembers a lot of things I did for her -- things I had completely forgotten -- and I'm grateful to her for this. But she puts a positive spin on some mean things I did to her -- let's call it creative and serious teasing. I have tried to make gentle and loving amends to her for some of it, and she is lukewarm about my amends. I feel very bad about the times I treated her badly when she was little, and have felt bad for decades, but she refuses to talk about our home life because she says it brings her down. So I've cut her out of my life because our relationship was so harmful to me.

[Bigmike727]

My grandmother was like that when I was a teen, would always go behind my back and talk bad about me to my friends, her friends, etc. would insult me. My dad on the other hand, does not really give two s**ts about me, crap, last time I visited him to see my little sisters, didn't even tell me hello.

Bigmike, I am totally sorry to hear about the state of your family. My family is dysfunctional,but not as bad as it was when my parents were still alive. They died at 85 and 91, something like that. I still do not trust anyone in my family. I think my family's dysfunctions were very different from yours. The only persons who go behind people's backs and say bad things are my sister- in- law and my ex- brother- in- law. Those two are thick as thieves and wreak havoc on the rest of us. Sister-in- law goes behind my sister's back, talks to my sister's ex, who is the father to her two grown sons, SIL poisons his mind against my sister, and then he poisons the minds of his and my sister's sons against my sister. Only trouble is that my sister refuses to present her side of these stories to the sons. After all, she is a Positive Person!!!!! Nothing Bad Should Ever Be Discussed or Thought About.