why do i ruin everything all the time

it is like i am poisonous or something i just seem to destroy everything in my path i cant even make it stop i feel like i am being called to hell maybe that is where i should be it only seems fitting.

I really doubt you deserve to go to hell. Having things screw up all the time is often a problem when you have a MI. Maybe you need a med change.

Please just get some help already. Call someone. Anyone. Go somewhere, a hospital maybe.

What happened Eden?

i ruined something again cause i wasnt feeling good i thought maybe it would be ok but it doesnt seem to be i am useless.

It's ok. Take it one thing at a time and don't beat yourself up. I've seen you posting and supporting people the last few days. That's great that you've been up to that! You aren't useless, you are just not well.

Back in February I was so sick. I couldn't talk to anyone about it; I tried but couldn't get the right words. I thought my life was pointless and I wanted to give up. I had been mixed or severely depressed for just under 2 years and I was so miserable. But finally I got on the right meds and I haven't been mixed in 7 months and depression has not been severe.

It can happen for you too. Just keep going slowly and doing the best you can and things will improve.

Do you have a therapist you can talk to you? I think I remember you mentioning that when you were discharged you were referred to DBT -have you been able to start that? Did the hospital refer you to a therapist? I think it might really help to have someone to talk to about all of this.

i am trying i just feel horrible i feel like no matter what anyone does this will never go away i just dont know that i can keep fighting or if i even want to...

I haven't had a depression spell in a long time. But for while I was in a job that I liked. I hated my boss. As a result of this stress, I couldn't do anything right. I don't know why they didn't fire me, but they didn't. Maybe try to eliminate a few stressors in your life. Don't try to fix everything...just a few things.

hamster20017

i am seeing a psychologist weekly i have not been able to do any dbt though.

This is very often a problem with MI.
Please hold tight and find the right help.

You do not ruin everything all the time. That is stinking thinking. Think about a time when you didn't ruin something, where you fixed it. Or if you have a hard time doing that, look for an opportunity to do the opposite of ruining something. Hold the door open for somebody or smile at them and tell them you like their shirt. It doesn't have to be something big. Every day is a gift and a chance to be a different person than we were yesterday. You can do this.

I am trying I just feel utterly worthless and I am so sad it aches inside me. I just don't know what to do.

What do you think would let you feel worthwhile?

According to a "sub optimal" therapist.. "We are products of our past"

I wish you peace and comfort... I wish I could believe in a more benign world view than those many who have abused me forced on me

I'm sorry this is about me, (I don't really exist..)

This thinking is not the real you. You are a valuable person who is just sick right now. i know it's hard to be objective, I often can't do it myself, but please try to understand that you are seeing everything through a veil right now.

I don't think I ever will.

I know they are negative thoughts but most of them are true honestly I am just so tired and I feel horrible I really I am just too tired to keep trying to fight like what is the point I just want to disappear.

take your meds.
bizi

i have for the last 2 nights actually and they have done nothing i only missed 2 doses so it is not that bad

I know it is hard to see past the negativity right now but keep doing the best you can to distract yourself.....things will take a turn for the better in time. (((Hugs)))

i talked to my caseworker she is going to come check on me tomorrow.......

2 missed meds is 29% of your weekly meds. That's a lot. They don't work if you don't take them daily.

but 71% is a lot more than 29% and it still should be doing something

When you miss meds your blood levels dip. They have to build back up over several days of consistently taking it. The levels don't go back to normal and stable the next day. So taking it 71% of the time still doesn't mean you are getting 71% of the benefit. The meds only really work if the levels are stable all the time.

Some meds will quit working and never work again if the levels don't stay stable. Lithium is one of those.

I'm taking an extra 12.5 mg of my clozapine 3 nights per week as I can (it makes me really sleepy). My regular dose is 275 mg. Because my body isn't used to that 12.5 mg every time I take it feels like I've had my dose increased. I'm taking it until I see my pdoc next week and then we are going to have to decide to go up or stick to 275 because I hate how the sedation feels (even though that' the goal).

Meds are really weird in how they work.