My symptoms

Anyone else have any experience with this?

Before I was diagnosed and early on I had a lot of paranoia. I couldn't take a shower without being terrified for years. I was too afraid to use the community laundry room at my apartment complex. Etc. The fears were so real that I've never told my pdoc or therapist about them. But after I got on meds that partly worked the paranoia did go away, mostly, and I was able to learn to talk my way through a lot more. I still have paranoia from time to time but nothing like the beginning.

It takes a while to get meds right sometimes. It took me a much longer time than most people (14 years, 40plus meds and 70some combinations) and even after all that I did finally get on meds that have things relatively stable this year. Relatively stable is a new place for me but it's here and even when I have symptoms that are scary I've been pretty able talk myself through it and tell my therapist and pdoc about it. It won't take you as long as it did me. I just don't respond to any meds normally. In fact I just don't respond to medical stuff normally; I'm 40 and have to get my 2nd chicken pox shot next week because we just discovered I'm not immune. My body is weird. You'll get there, it takes time.

As for the hospital, I was TERRIFIED of it. I managed to avoid it for many years but 7 years ago I needed a med change that couldn't be done OP so I went into the hospital. I was surprised when my first reaction was to cry and cry because I finally felt safe. I've been in 5 times now and that's been my reaction every time: I've felt safe and just so glad to hand over being responsible for everything. My 4th time I went in so depressed and by the next evening was feeling well enough to play games with other patients and laughed and laughed while playing.

I don't think you'll be hospitalized. I know you worry about this so much; I think you worry about it nearly every time you see your pdoc. And that's ok but maybe you need to ask what your pdoc's specific criteria for admission would be. Most will not force you in unless things are really desperate and will only suggest you go if they think you need treatment that can't be done OP (like a major med change done quickly or without tapering). As long as you are not a danger to yourself or others they will not force you in and they generally think you need to be a big risk before they'll do that. And they'll offer you the chance to go voluntarily before they force it unless you've done something that puts you in immediate danger.

The important thing right now is to be really honest with your pdoc. Let him know how bad you feel, your concerns about fake meds, the feelings of being watched, that your meds aren't helping enough but you're concerned about sleep issues if seroquel is increased. Just tell it all. Even if you take it in written down that's fine. I often go in with scribbled notes just to be sure I cover everything; I've also gone in with written notes when needed because I wasn't able to say everything.

It really will get better.

Thank you so much. This really helped. I've only had one instance that I think I should have been hospitalized. I managed to avoid it because I wasn't telling my pdoc everything. Med changes helped then and I was able to calm down enough to function.

I'm wondering what med changes will happen this time. The paranoia started before my last med change, which was seroquel. I don't always think that my meds are fake. There are some rare times where I think the seroquel and lithium are actually helping me. But that's rare. I feel kind of numb and that all my meds aren't doing anything.

My T appointment is Monday and my pdoc is Thursday. Hoping for the best. I'm so nervous to talk to my T. With everything that's been going on I wonder if she'll just talk about my anxiety.