[MusicLover82]

So, I've been really thinking about friendships and who I can really trust and let into my world.

My friend who I spend the most time with lately doesn't know very much about my private life. She has no idea about the depth and intensity of my mental illness (she knows a little bit). She has no idea that I have some pagan and New Age beliefs that she would disapprove of. She has no idea that if i were to ever accidentally get pregnant, I would get an abortion due to the severity of my MI and having to get off meds for 9 months. She is VERY pro-life.

I recently was obsessing about this friendship, and I guess I'm still thinking about it, but not really obsessing. Now I just wonder how much I can tell her, how much I can trust her. We are coworkers. That might be a mistake to totally let her into my world. I also fear her rejecting me and then we end up having to keep seeing each other at work and have it be awkward.

So, who do you trust? People who only have the same belief systems and politics as you? Or do you just dive right in, without holding back? Do you take that risk with coworkers?

Thanks in advance for advice!

I'm not sure who I trust or if I really ever do completely. I find people with the same belief system as me to be more pleasant to talk to in general, but I've been friends with people who have opposite belief systems to mine. Someone with the same belief system who just "gets me" without trying is best. That is what I have with my husband and I do trust him more than I trust most.

[Trippin2.0]

Whom I trust has no bearing on whether their belief system or moral compass mirrors mine.


The people who are trustworthy are also the people who are non judgmental, that's why I trust them.


So even if my share might be a bitter pill to swallow (like an abortion for instance) my friends usually try and see where I'm coming from and then eventually get it, I guess.


Might take a moment for the calculations to make sense, but so far so good.


It has never backfired.


Ps. I've made some awesome friends via work, people I haven't worked with in years remain some of my closest friends. It depends on the relationship, don't rush it, you'll eventually learn if your co worker is trustworthy or not, no reason to jump in at the deep end.

[bizi]

test the waters....don't jump in right away. and don't throw out the baby with the bath water!
bizi

[vintagexsoul]

From personal experience in the workplace...don't share anything you would regret later. Really think about how it would effect your relationship. Because like you said, you'd have to face each other on a regular basis.

None of my work place friends know about my mental disorders. None of them know I am Pagan (like you). None of them know I'm pansexual instead of straight. Few of them even really know my interests. I rarely share my educational background or that I have an above average IQ. I'm extremely cautious about what I let people know about me. In fact, I pretend to be someone I'm not at work because that's what they're paying me to do (I work retail and have to pretend I love people and that I'm a friendly person). I pretend to be clueless and even stupid at times. The workplace is a complex environment, and its better to look out for yourself.

I know I sound paranoid, but I have personal experience with sharing too much with a boss and complications arising between us. Now I'm in a really difficult situation and wishing I hadn't let my guard down or boundaries to be blurred. Always set sound boundaries. Sometimes you have to accept that this is as deep as you go with someone that is your friend and leave it at that. When there's too much to risk.

[MusicLover82]

Originally Posted by vintagexsoul

From personal experience in the workplace...don't share anything you would regret later. Really think about how it would effect your relationship. Because like you said, you'd have to face each other on a regular basis.

None of my work place friends know about my mental disorders. None of them know I am Pagan (like you). None of them know I'm pansexual instead of straight. Few of them even really know my interests. I rarely share my educational background or that I have an above average IQ. I'm extremely cautious about what I let people know about me. In fact, I pretend to be someone I'm not at work because that's what they're paying me to do (I work retail and have to pretend I love people and that I'm a friendly person). I pretend to be clueless and even stupid at times. The workplace is a complex environment, and its better to look out for yourself.

I know I sound paranoid, but I have personal experience with sharing too much with a boss and complications arising between us. Now I'm in a really difficult situation and wishing I hadn't let my guard down or boundaries to be blurred. Always set sound boundaries. Sometimes you have to accept that this is as deep as you go with someone that is your friend and leave it at that. When there's too much to risk.

Thank you! I think you are right, and that's what my common sense tells me. I'm aching so badly to have another "best friend." My best friend of 10 years and I have pretty much ended our friendship. So there is a void there where my ex-BFF used to be. I guess I can't just fill her place with my work friend, as much as I would like to.

[MiddayNap]

I don't trust anybody, really, not for any bitterness on my part though. My reasoning is, and perhaps Mr/Miss MusicLover82 could relate, that I only have two extremes. I can either be extremely gullible or extremely skeptical. I feel that I have to err on the side of caution and assume others are untrustworthy otherwise I won't be able to tell whether they are tricking me or not. It's not very fun when you finally realize people you thought were being nice were actually being rude.
Even if you are good at noticing, I would advise against trusting anyone completely simply because you can never know anyone but yourself. You don't even really know your own parents, as they are the only people with access to their thoughts and feelings.

[MusicLover82]

Originally Posted by MiddayNap

I don't trust anybody, really, not for any bitterness on my part though. My reasoning is, and perhaps Mr/Miss MusicLover82 could relate, that I only have two extremes. I can either be extremely gullible or extremely skeptical. I feel that I have to err on the side of caution and assume others are untrustworthy otherwise I won't be able to tell whether they are tricking me or not. It's not very fun when you finally realize people you thought were being nice were actually being rude.
Even if you are good at noticing, I would advise against trusting anyone completely simply because you can never know anyone but yourself. You don't even really know your own parents, as they are the only people with access to their thoughts and feelings.

I can relate to the extremely gullible or extremely skeptical extremes. I have a tendency to say things I regret later at times when I'm being overly relaxed or trusting with the people I'm talking to. And then at other times, I worry that people are mad at me or that they might turn on me. :-/ UGH. Maybe I should just become my own best friend.

[vintagexsoul]

Originally Posted by MusicLover82

Thank you! I think you are right, and that's what my common sense tells me. I'm aching so badly to have another "best friend." My best friend of 10 years and I have pretty much ended our friendship. So there is a void there where my ex-BFF used to be. I guess I can't just fill her place with my work friend, as much as I would like to.

I really feel for you. I finally met someone a few months ago who became my first BFF since 2009. I'd lost mine after graduating from college. I've had friends, but not close friends. And why I wouldn't say my friendship with him is super deep, he really adores me, cares about me and makes a point to talk to me every day and cheer me up when I'm down. How did I meet him? When I was shopping at my favorite store, he works there. We just hit it off. You never know where you'll meet someone if you put yourself out there and act friendly.

I'm really sorry you struggle with this void. After a while, I just shut down feeling that way. I forgot what it was like to be close to someone and that void disappeared. Then again, I have schizoid personality disorder so its not as difficult for me. Try to find places to go, or activities, that will let you interact with people who have the same hobbies or interests. That's the best way to make friends.

As someone else said, ease into relationships and test the water. Find out what is okay to share and what isn't. Otherwise you might scare someone off. Or the relationship might become super intense really fast and wither away.

[Unrigged64072835]

I'd be really cautious about letting people from work in. I wouldn't want to create an environment that I would have to deal with on a daily basis if things go south.

I'd try finding support groups or special interest groups to find making friends.

I don't really trust anyone, and I don't have any friends really.

this leads me to feel extremely lost and vunnerable.

I tend to just take my chances with people.. i'll start talking to someone, and we'll talk normally for a while- and then before I know what i've done, I've told them everything

then of course they don't care and start to mess you around, so it's out with them and wait to tell someone else

[OctobersBlackRose]

I don't know if I trust people.or not, and lately I don't have any friends to let into my world, so yeah, it's just basically myself and my world...