[piano97]

I just need to vent sorry. I'm sure some of you can relate and to hear back from anyone would help.

Two weeks ago I started having spasms in my back. I've had this before from risperdal and take benadryl and it goes away. It moved into my neck though and basically I've had a stiff neck for two weeks. I had this last winter and we cut the dose. It lasted about 2 weeks and very uncomfortable, as it is now. My head also is twitching sometimes and only once but my tongue did something wierd the other night and I bit it.

I called MD last week. It took 2 days to get back to me. I had already cut risperdal dose and basically begged to get on something else.

I was in manic spectrum a couple weeks ago. I was so "up". I spent like 2k on ebay in a couple days without meaning to. Now I feel totally disconnected from it and like someone else did it.

Anyhow, today I am just livid. Screaming at myself, throwing stuff. I have went for a walk twice. I took PRN klonopin and also cogentin which he wrote for the other day though I don't think it's helped at all. Last winter I had this a couple weeks with the neck and was in the midst of a bad depressive episode. It made me want to die.

I'm now taking Zyprexa at night. I'm so irritable and at same time I've been sleeping about 9 hours and then I feel knocked out by zyprexa and nap a couple hours a couple times today. I did that already. I just did some yard work and was screaming in my yard. I threw a bucket (which broke) a couple times.

I feel a little cooled down just writign this out knowing someone will read it at least. I F'ing hate this and I'm so fed up. I got sick in November 2014. My life has fell apart since then. Making 65k to not being able to hold a job. I've lost 2 now. Savings wiped out. In 30k debt now. "Hang in there' is what family and friends say. I get what they mean but it's been TWO f'ing years of hell. I thought things would get better when I stopped working. I cycle frequently and I thought it would help. NOPE. Things are worse. I haven't been in a bad 'episode' in a couple months now but I have a full cycle about every 3 weeks and sometimes get mixed symptoms for several days in between. Right now I'd call this a depressed irritable state. I f'ing hate this and can't take much more. I feel like I've been tortured for 2 years.

I am so mad at risperdal. Yet very glad to be off it. It's poison as far as I'm concerned. Who knows about how zyprexa will do. So far, has just sedated me though appartnelty not too well based on how I am exploding today. I honestly want to flip my desk over and destroy it. I am that frustrated. And I think a good part of it is withdrawl from the alledged medicine that is suppossed to help me. I'm so fed up.

I applied for SSDI after I quit working in August. To know my fate is in someone's hands, on their time table not mine, is sooooo frustrating. If I get denied, to appeal will take months and months probably. I turned in a ton of paperwork, letter from boss, saw SS doctor for eval. My DDB caseworker sent me a letter saying to call her asap, I did, left message, and over two full days have passed. So that even frustrates me more. I have no income and my life is basically sh'' now. Total waste of space and time. I'm tired of being tortured, and that's all this is.

Thank you for listening it helps to just get that out in writing, even though I've been journaling a ton for the last couple weeks to share it with others is good. I can't tell this stuff to my friends. They don't want to hear it anyways. I'm suppossed to be fun to be around and now I can't even have a f'ing glass of wine with dinner, and I don't feel comfortable leaving home and sometimes have just left all the sudden. It's embarrassing and I f'ing hate this.

[piano97]

As an update my DDB caseworker did just call me. Asked a TON of questions about every job I've had the last 15 years going back to when I graduated college in 2001. Did you lift, carry, climb stairs, sit, walk, etc. For every job. I answered as best I could. She said it goes to 'vocation' team next, then to local office then I'll have a decision. She guesstimated it at two weeks. This is good. I asked if she had records from MD and all of the other paperwork I sent. Said yes she did. SO this is a relief that things are moving forward, she said this is the last step.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

This will end. I know it feels like it won't, but it will. I had a 2 year long without a break episode from 2014-2016 and nothing seemed to help but eventually I got on clozaril and am better than ever before. It was horrible getting to this place and we're still trying to tweak a dose that lets me be awake more than I'm asleep but I feel good and only cycle a relatively small amount, the least ever for me. I didn't think anything was ever going to help but it did and honestly most of the time I was so sick is a complete blur in my memory.

I hope you are feeling a little better this afternoon.

[Unrigged64072835]

This disease really sucks. Ever since I was diagnosed in 2013 my life has been a rollercoaster. I'm still not fully stable now. This plus the anxiety has been nothing but misery.

However, I still keep hope alive that I will be stable and able to enjoy life. That has kept me going.

[piano97]

Thank you all, very grateful for.

I'm feeling totally different this evening and that mess of frustration and anxiety has passed. What a rollercoaster. I'm hoping the zyprexa addition and removal of risperdal will help. I just want to get stable, stay that way, and then I can get back to work. I miss working every day. Sometimes it hurts more than others. Today was one of those days.
Thanks for your support and listening to me.

It's good to vent sometimes. I could have written so much of that (agitation and irrritability suck so much!). You're not alone. Sending good thoughts for stability your way!

[piano97]

Just to update, I feel a lot better today. I slept really well, which hadn't been since stopping risperdal and starting zyprexa. Makes me hopeful that I might be able to string together a few (or more!!) 'good' days in a row. I haven't that in a long long time.
Thanks to all for encouragement.