Lost a friend, having trouble coping

I just need some reassurance. My best friend, who I've known for 3+ years and talked to about everything, finally got sick of me complaining. He cut me off suddenly, but then yesterday we talked. Or rather, he said a bunch of really hurtful stuff.

He told me my problems are all of my own making and I'm not trying hard enough, that he understands why people don't want to be friends with me and more. This is a complete turnaround from his supportive role.

I'm really hurt, can't stop crying, and now I'm doubting myself and feeling even more insecure. I just need to hear something nice.

That sounds horrible and very difficult. I'm very sorry....I can only imagine how much that hurts. Perhaps your friend is dealing with their own issues right now and what they said about you pertains more to them and their own life than yours. Perhaps your friend feels this way about themselves and is taking it out on you.

He sounds frustrated.

Like ElsaMars said, it might not be you; it might be something going on in his life. Like, maybe he's drowning in his own personal issues and therefore can't handle yours as well. It's too much of a burden. That could be why he cut you off.

And if you prodded him to talk while he was ignoring you, that could be why he snapped at you. Maybe he stopped talking to you because he needed his own space and time to himself. That's just one possibility. Or, if he was the one who approached you, maybe something tipped the scale on his end and he wants people to know that he doesn't want to deal with anyone's sh#t. (i.e., it's nothing personal.) In a way, it could be a cry for help.

But, not to be negative, sometimes we're not innocent ourselves. Sometimes we take things for granted and get carried away.

If you can't think of anything you did wrong, then you probably didn't do anything wrong.

I say give it some time. Let him have his space and maybe he'll come around. He's pretty irritated/overwhelmed right now and needs time to cool off. Good friends sometimes fight, but they usually ultimately get over it after some time.

Do you have other friends? Do you have any friend who plays a neutral, rather than supportive, role with respect to you? Better yet, do you have a friend whom you support? You will feel more secure if you give, rather than receive, support now because your friend said hurtful things about how you were in the role of a receiver of support. I think it is best not to seek another supportive friend but to switch roles and have a neutral or a reverse relationship with somebody else.

Crying is good - it means that you won't harbor those emotions for later when they can become a depressed mood, but express them now.

Questions for you to ponder

(That you don't have to answer here of course)


Is there any validity in anything he said?

For example, did your friend inadvertently play the role of round the clock therapist?

Do you have a tendency to focus on the negative and complain fairly often?


Round the clock arm chair therapy = mental anguish and burn out.


Complainers = Debbie Downers, who tend to be negative which then taints the positives of the relationship.


Both these scenarios are emotionally and psychologically exhausting.


The reason I pose these questions is this:


Sometimes when these conversations / arguments happen we tend to dismiss everything the person is saying to us because they're being hurtful. But sometimes there is validity in what they're trying to communicate to us. Sometimes there is something to be learned, about ourselves, or about how we are perceived, and even about how we can improve.


But that is often times lost in the delivery of the message or the emotional response the message has provoked.


I've learned to try and look past the provoked emotion and have asked (my bf and brother) for improved delivery, (they tend to be very blunt and when a topic is touchy I need them to be a bit gentler)... This has strengthened my relationships.


With all that said, I really am sorry you're so hurt, maybe, hopefully he's just burnt out from second hand MI and needs time to recalibrate.


I hope you feel better soon.

I'm really sorry. I hope you feel better soon.. Give it some time and maybe he'll come around. But Try not to always go to him with your problems. I have a friend that does this and I get burnt out. Try not to burn him out.

Do you have a therapist?

I definitely relied on him a lot and I know that that can get emotionally exhausting. I just wish he would have said something sooner instead of letting it build up to this point.

And there's no giving him time and trying to work it out. He's done. He doesn't want a relationship. He actually said when I said I wish we could have talked about this month's ago and salvaged the relationship and he said he didn't care enough to. He just doesn't care anymore.

Wow. I'm so sorry. But really you don't need anyone like that. We're all here for you so you can complain to us all you need. You can PM me anytime if you need to vent. God knows I have friends on here that I vent to all the time. I'm really sorry about your friend. I couldn't imagine if someone said that to me. ((Hugs))

I am sorry, it hurts to be rejected like that.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I'm sorry to hear this.

I am sorry to hear you lost a close freind. Please take care and do not forget to take your meds. I am not saying you would not take them. I know when I am upset, I can forget to take them myself. You need all the support that you also deserve.

Tucson

So sorry to hear that. It is normal to be in the state of mind that you are in after a friend you thought would always be there rejects you and cuts you off. I wouldn't be surprised if this particular friend eventually comes back to you, because maybe his own issues are causing him to feel too overwhelmed to be sensitive to the problems of others at the moment. He may have regrets eventually and try to come back into your life.

I think the issue goes beyond you....it's something with him having difficulties taking care of his own needs. He might come back and apologize when he's done dealing with his own stuff, but then it's up to you whether to let this friend back into your life again. I know it's hard to come to terms with all of this, but with time processing what happened, it will get easier to focus more on others who are supportive....and most importantly, yourself.

---yes this is a very big world. Of course it feels more comfy to go on w the same friend. But somehow you and this person dont fit now or indefinitely. Looking for someone else may bring you some great new ideas and experiences. My brother just ditched me and i,had to drop a bff who was lying a lot, just taking a lot of shortcuts in dealing with me because her life was more fast paced.
I sense a similarity here. Find the wonderful new people that fit better. I have. im still cultivating them, but its worth it.