[Secretum]

I don't know where to start. I feel out of control. I don't believe that I have any control over my life, and I feel that only bad things will happen to me. I desperately want to be hard working and successful, but I feel like those goals are impossible to reach. I hate being lazy, but I can't see myself figuring out how to be more hardworking.

I am fat. I've gained 40 lbs on zyprexa, and I hate looking at myself in the mirror. If I diet, I lose weight, but I run out of willpower rather quickly, and then I gain all the weight back and then some.

I had been doing well on zyprexa, or so I thought. Now I just feel...I don't know. Hopeless. Ready to give up. I'm sui and I'm not even depressed (or manic). Why? Why would I think about killing myself when I'm not even in a mood swing? How messed up am I?

I try and I try and I try to get more control over my laziness, and I just fail, every time.

I want to be successful and loved and in-demand. I want to be so amazing and perfect that I'll never have to wonder if my life is worth living. I know perfection is impossible, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it.

I feel like life is just one sick joke that God plays on humanity. There is so much pain. People have to endure all types of traumas. There is some beauty in life, but I have a hard time believing that it outweighs all the bad crap. Life sucks for everyone; some people are just better at recognizing how sucky their lives are.

I just need to vent. All encouraging words are welcome. I won't do anything drastic tonight; I promise. Thanks for listening.

[sarahblue]

You're not lazy, you're just depressed. And your depression is giving you all sorts of negative messages about yourself. Don't listen!

You're right, nothing in life is perfect, because then what would we have to reach for? Perfect is boring.

Maybe you could try to set smaller goals for yourself? Do you have a therp? They're good for working on setting goals. And also for these times when it feels like life sucks.

And you have this community here to be with.

Take good care of yourself.

[BipolaRNurse]

Ah, you poor thing.....I've been down here in the sui dungeon with you, just now starting to draw fresh air again. I'm still extremely unstable so I know whereof you speak, and you have my sympathies. All I can say is, let our positive energies fill you and lift you up, and PLEASE call your pdoc ASAP! Hang in there!

[optimistic_dolphin]

oh god, i know how bad zyprexa makes one gain weight.
I used to be on it and I gained weight so rapidly. Now I just refuse to take it, but I am denying myself of the best med possible. I was tried numerous med and zyprexa is the one with the quickest and best result. Unless I am medically urgent, my dr doesn't prescribe me it. I am in a pretty bad state now. I don't know if I want to take it.
Sigh. No one knows the extend of the real problem except ourselves. Do what is best for yourself. Try to communicate. Don't bottle it up.
stay strong xoxo

[Secretum]

Thanks for all the support...I'm doing slightly better. I'm being very gentle with myself until I get over this. Still tempted to give up, but the urges aren't as strong. My latest tarot card reading suggests that good things are in my future, but I don't know how much I believe in that. Stay strong, everyone! And BipolaRNurse, I hope that things improve for you soon!

[jacquelinekay]

I am also currently fighting this inescapable cycle of paralyzing "laziness" (as self-critical people like us would call it..). I have messed up basically every aspect of my life, but I do know that I still have a window of time to get myself together before I have truly ruined things for myself. I have made little attempts to fight it over the past 4 years, but they have all ended with me back at square one. Right now I feel an immense urgency to make this change the one that sticks. I have no idea if I am capable, and I still do not understand if it depression or some type of phantom physical ailment that has caused me to be so unable to make myself do my work, but I know that sitting down and coming up with a plan still can be me just a touch of energy and hope every once in awhile. I hope that you do the same, and we both beat whatever this is. You are not alone in dealing with this, and you deserve to recover.