[mossanimal]

I've sunk into pretty deep depression since what may have been a mixed episode last Saturday night when I wrecked a bunch of stuff in the house... hardly any memory of it. I was by myself thank the gods. My wife is having a very hard time dealing with her father's death a few months ago... and our 6 year old daughter is going through fits of rage way outside the norm. I know my wife is thinking it might be a genetic legacy from me (my Dad is just like me). Anyway.. she can't help me right now due to her own grief and sense of being overwhelmed.... and I know I'm making things a billion times worse. So I'm thinking I need to get out of her life one way or the other. I feel like going into the wilderness and getting lost. I know I should call my psych... but I don't want to be committed. I just want to talk this through and give my friends and relatives a break. I don't want to put my friends through anything.. since I flooded them with crazy texts last saturday night. I also don't want to ruin an amazing trip we have planned in two weeks.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Call your T. Talk this through. I have those feelings ALL THE TIME when I'm depressed - that it would be so much better for my husband and kids if they didn't have to deal with me. I fantasize constantly in that state about disappearing - wandering off somewhere and living anonymously elsewhere where I can't hurt anyone and no one knows me well enough to invest any time/emotion into me. It passes when the depression does - I can tell when I'm out of the depression that those thoughts are the BP poison trying to wreak havoc on me. But that doesn't make it any less real when I'm in the middle of it all. Talking does help me, though - even just posting here about it helps me, so keep doing that if it gives you some relief.

For your daughter, I will say that my son just turned 7. Several months back, he was having rageful fits that really troubled me. The things he said/did during the fits were worrisome, but more so what he would say/do afterwards scared me for him. I got him in with a T that does sand tray and art therapy with him. We've only been going for a month, but it's helped. I'm worried, like you are, that these are the initial signs of this genetic curse I've passed on to him. (My husband has also mentioned being nervous about that.) But if that's the case, there's nothing I can do except try to help him navigate his way and let him know that I understand, support and love him. No one in my family ever looked closely at the causes of my outbursts growing up, and we didn't talk about anything 'negative' ever. I think that did me a great disservice. I'm trying to reverse that trend with my own child now - and I have hope that IF he has BP, I can help him more than I was helped when young.

Keep posting here, if it's helpful to you. Call your care provider. And don't be afraid to be open with your wife about how you're feeling. Make sure she knows that you're worried about her, too, and the immense grief she is under. Let her know if you're seeking help for what's going on with you, so that she doesn't feel like the weight of that is on her, also. You can make it through this.

[Victoria'smom]

What you're thinking is not true. I think about disappearing a lot. Knowing in my heart that it's not true that they would be better off without me. Writing my thoughts always helped me when I have no one to talk to you may want to try that.

As far as your daughter take her to a T. She's having trouble expressing herself probably.

[Coffeee]

I'm sure your wife loves you immensely or she wouldn't have married you and would be despondent if you were gone. A missing person is never easier.

[mossanimal]

Well thanks a ton. It does help to know others go through this. Especially with the kids. I also grew up in a household that never talked about stuff like this. In fact.. I grew up with so much praise (I was the favorite and could do no wrong)... that I feel like that has actually been a handicap. And now that I know my Dad is almost definitely bipolar... I wish he would've known about it or sought help so that he could understand what I've been going through.. and at least tell what to expect. That is the one saving grace for me if my kids do inherit the trials and tribulations of me... I can guide them and encourage what can be the beautiful side of my disorder.

Anyway.... Thanks a lot for this thoughtful note...

Originally Posted by NoIdeaWhatToDo

Call your T. Talk this through. I have those feelings ALL THE TIME when I'm depressed - that it would be so much better for my husband and kids if they didn't have to deal with me. I fantasize constantly in that state about disappearing - wandering off somewhere and living anonymously elsewhere where I can't hurt anyone and no one knows me well enough to invest any time/emotion into me. It passes when the depression does - I can tell when I'm out of the depression that those thoughts are the BP poison trying to wreak havoc on me. But that doesn't make it any less real when I'm in the middle of it all. Talking does help me, though - even just posting here about it helps me, so keep doing that if it gives you some relief.

For your daughter, I will say that my son just turned 7. Several months back, he was having rageful fits that really troubled me. The things he said/did during the fits were worrisome, but more so what he would say/do afterwards scared me for him. I got him in with a T that does sand tray and art therapy with him. We've only been going for a month, but it's helped. I'm worried, like you are, that these are the initial signs of this genetic curse I've passed on to him. (My husband has also mentioned being nervous about that.) But if that's the case, there's nothing I can do except try to help him navigate his way and let him know that I understand, support and love him. No one in my family ever looked closely at the causes of my outbursts growing up, and we didn't talk about anything 'negative' ever. I think that did me a great disservice. I'm trying to reverse that trend with my own child now - and I have hope that IF he has BP, I can help him more than I was helped when young.

Keep posting here, if it's helpful to you. Call your care provider. And don't be afraid to be open with your wife about how you're feeling. Make sure she knows that you're worried about her, too, and the immense grief she is under. Let her know if you're seeking help for what's going on with you, so that she doesn't feel like the weight of that is on her, also. You can make it through this.

Save

[Fuzzybear]

You sound better in your second post and I'm glad. The first post was distorted thinking. If you ever again feel like your family would be better off without you, and make any plans (sometimes I want to run away, drive like a lunatic, or much worse) run, don't walk to the hospital. Take care of yourself, stay safe and keep thinking positive.

[mossanimal]

Thank you... My worst is in the morning.. and the outlook improves over the day.

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

You sound better in your second post and I'm glad. The first post was distorted thinking. If you ever again feel like your family would be better off without you, and make any plans (sometimes I want to run away, drive like a lunatic, or much worse) run, don't walk to the hospital. Take care of yourself, stay safe and keep thinking positive.

Morning can just be ugly.....I vote them off the island. You're not alone.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Originally Posted by mossanimal

I also grew up in a household that never talked about stuff like this. In fact.. I grew up with so much praise (I was the favorite and could do no wrong)... that I feel like that has actually been a handicap.

This is also true for me. I internalized so much of my turmoil and negativity (precisely because it wasn't something there was any tolerance for), and instead spent all my youth doing what was expected of me. Everything I did was praised, as long as it was exactly what was expected of me. And I was either ridiculed, dismissed or punished for expressing anything negative. I learned early to be a pleaser. I still haven't figured out how to be me - I've spent a lifetime being what others want.

Also, I read the book Mindset awhile back. That definitely helped me to understand how my upbringing shaped me. If it was easy and I knew I could easily succeed, I would do it. When things got hard and I might not excel, or worse I might fail, I gave up. My self image was so tied up in the kind of praise I routinely received that anything that could challenge that idea was threatening. For example, I was always praised for my intelligence. That seemed a fixed attribute to me. So, if something was challenging to learn, I didn't pursue it - if I didn't pick it up easily, it might mean that I wasn't, after all, as intelligent as people thought. Then where would I be, if that was what people valued about me? I spend a great deal of effort with my kids to praise them for their attitudes and approaches to things - for things that are within their power, such as working hard to figure something out, having a good attitude about losing a game, persevering when things are challenging, figuring out what went wrong in something they tried and working on how to overcome that the next time, etc.

I also spend a lot of time helping my kids to name their emotions, talking about what happens when I feel how they're feeling, acknowledging and normalizing their entire range of feelings, etc. I find it has helped my son a lot with his feelings knowing that he can tell me when he's sad or angry, and that I am willing to sit with him through that, talk with him, or just give him some space and time to calm himself down. And that it's OK that he has those feelings.