Repeating Cycles: Attracting Manipulators & Users

I'm so starved for that day, at 45 years old -- it's never happened yet -- when someone initiates even a close friendship. I've never been in a relationship, people tell me I'm too intense or weird or moody or whatever. OK. So I pretty much accepted the life of a hermit when this guy came along. We moved in tother so fast, he convinced me to go off my meds, cut me off from all my friends, kept me up late at night on work nights, controlled when and what we ate, and we weren't even having sex! We didn't even sleep in the same bed, but there was that promise that it would happen soon.

Multiple police escorts, police reports, $10,000 in debt and he stole everything from my laptop to my socks and underware, all my clothes, and even the bag of medication he told me was so bad for me. He convinced me of all of it. I considered him a genius and would do anything he said and I'm a smart person! Every single friend was begging me to get away from him and he convinced me they weren't friends, they were jealous, etc. etc. But I got away. It was a very expensive mistake.

So I figure after a year of being afraid to even have small talk with a stranger, I finally opened up to this guy at work. He's so cool, turns me on to really good music, told me he was worried about my self esteem and told me to go buy new clothes -- which I did go to an outlet mall and got some amazing new fall clothes -- I was really starting to feel good about myself.

Then, he asked to borrow $30. I didn't think twice about it. He said he would pay me back later that day and not until my door shut when he left did i think. Wait, why did he just borrow $30, what does he need it for, and how will he magically have it back tonight? Well, he never called back that night or the next. I ran into him at work and brought up the money. He didn't have it. Finally, 4 days later, he gave it to me and said he was still broke and could I buy him breakfast. So I did. Now he's asking for help finding a new bedframe and little random things and gave a sob story about being $200 short of his deposit on a new apartment, "(sigh) but I guess I'll figure it out."

Finally I had to ignore the red flags with all this money talk. Today, however, was the icing on the cake. He started talking about how the medical industry is a scam and he said for me to go off my meds. So guess what? I did!! Well, just for about 12 hours, but still. Just a few simple suggestions and I gave in. Handed over $30 without batting an eye. Stopped taking my meds without even a second thought.

But it backfired. Without my meds I quickly get bad anxiety and paranoia, fogginess, muddled thinking. I spent half the day at work so distracted and freaked out and seriously never once did it cross my mind, "Oh, wait, I didn't take my meds," I just knew something felt terribly wrong. And I became afraid of him.

I doubled up on some xanax, took my Lithium, Lamictal, Latuda, etc. Then after a few hours had a revelation: here we go again. This aparently is my new "type?" Am I putting off a vibe or something? Do they smell the desperation? Or do they just see that I'm very receptive to new people who seem similar to myself, I was raised being told that helping anyone that needs help is always the right thing to do.

This just sucks. I need to just back away, detach, I don't really know how or what to do, but 12 hours without meds was just enough for me to realize what he was up to: manipulation and control. That's some scary stuff.

Why are people like that and why I do I feel targeted? People say I'm attractive, lovable, sensitive, funny... but just not datable. I have managed to make maybe 5 friends in my life, I've had to cut a few of them off for being hateful and controlling (not to that extent) but everyone just seems to think they know what's best for me and i"m not even asking for help!!

Except from you. Help!?

You sound like me. I was told a long time ago that "my picker is broken". Meaning I "pick" the wrong people without meaning to. I was also once told "the first person in the room you are attracted to is most likely the worst person for you". And it turned out to be right. I was robbed blind by boyfriends and my first husband also as soon as I became pregnant with my son...he changed (or showed his true colors as the case turned out to be). I've since learned "why" I do this and that has helped me. It has to do with dysfunction in my past and is very complicated. My current husband is an honest and valiant, honorable man and I intentionally gave him a chance for that reason. Best decision I ever made.

My heart goes out to you, it really does. I have my husband, mom and best friend but I really struggle with friendships because my paranoia is high. Once friends and lovers screw you over enough, it messes you up in various ways you're probably still not aware of. Do you get therapy?

And the one thing that really upset me is people mistaking kindness for stupidity. It does happen but don't you dare do it to yourself and think these things make you stupid. They make you a decent person and some people are programmed to abuse that. ((Hugs))

Very well said, and I have been going through the same issue where I attract manipulators and users.

I've been watching a lot of self-help videos related to understanding people with manipulative tendencies and how they target people (and what to do about it/the healing process). I am in the process of learning more about myself, the "warning signs," things I need to be aware of moving forward, etc. I'm learning just how easy it is to get sucked into the vicious cycle of getting involved with users, but I'm slowly working on ways to deal with the red flags early on to better protect myself and gain back a sense of self-worth.

Spastic Bliss, although unfortunately, manipulative people tend to seek out very giving and good hearted people, never believe you have to ever change all the good things that you have to offer, such as your kindness and helpful nature.

Working on where to draw the line though and teaching others what behaviors you will not put up with will help you feel more in control. Eliminating them from your life as soon as you see the warning signs can leave room for more positive relationships, which you will find with time. Hope this can help.