[poison_oak]

I have bipolar II, PTSD, and major anxiety. I have been taking buspirone for about 5 months now, abilify for 2 months. I feel like a zombie. I don’t have the passion inside me anymore that I used to have and it’s been making me depressed. I don’t wanna take the meds anymore other than the fact the people around me have seen improvement in my mood swings. I’m less self-destructive, I’m not irritable, I can even get out of bed, but I feel like the fire inside me is burning out. The best way I can describe it is: I’m neither on top of the world or in the depths of hell anymore, I’m in purgatory and I can’t get out. I haven’t stopped taking my medication. Everyone seems to like this me more, but I don’t. I don’t like this dull version of me. I didn’t like the hypomanic version either or the depressed one. I guess I’m just having an identity crisis. I just need to know if I’m alone or not, has anyone else experienced this ? Any words of advice, encouragement, or stories would help tremendously. Thank you

[bioChE]

You're not alone. I also feel that the old me is gone, and someone new has been created due to the meds. I have less drive for most things in life, and I really don't care about much.

Like you, the people in my life seem to prefer this version of me. I don't. It's not that I hate it so much as I'm apathetic about it.

Sorry to hear you're struggling, just know you're not alone.

[still_crazy]

I take Abilify. Its a clean(er) tranquilizer. I don't know why it was hyped so much. Anyway..neuroleptics/tranquilizers flatten emotions. The original term for "antipsychotics" is "neuroleptic," which apparently means to "seize the mind," or something. Basically, they came up with this name after some studies on Thorazine showed that it could reliably induce Parkinson's type sympoms --and-- make people more "manageable." When Thorazine first came into use, many regarded it as a "chemical lobotomy"--it calmed people down and made them easier to deal with, but didn't require the fuss of an actual operation.

Still, some of us need neuroleptics. I do, at least for a while to come. BuSpar seems like it might make the numbing worse (to me...just a thought...). I had bad experience with BuSpar and also with Abilify plus SSRI drugs, which flatten people, too. I now take Wellbutrin with the Abilify, and the depressive problems are better and I'm not too apathetic.

Do you have psychosis? I'm not a doctor, but...neruoleptics are well-studied and effective in psychosis and manic episodes. There's less long term data for psychotic depression. They're not ideally 1st line in Bipolar disorders. I take one because I went untreated for a while and had some hardcore psychosis, so I'm taking it until that has been gone for a nice, long while.

A lower dose might help, but if you go too low...why bother? A different neuroleptic might be better, but...personally, I find Abilify to be less numbing and apathy-inducing than the other "atypicals" I've been prescribed.

I dunno...all psych drugs cause problems, or can. Do you think you need the pills? Do you think maybe talk treatments might work? Is that an option?

I don't wanna sound anti-psychiatry. Psychiatrists can help some people. Its just...the pills now are just cleaned up versions of pills that have been around for decades. The newer antidepressants don't work any better than the old ones; they just have a different adverse effect profile. The newer antipsychotics are like the old ones, they just cause different adverse effects and cost more (usually). They --might-- be less likely to cause tardive dyskinesia, but apparently that's not even clear from available information.

Just please be careful. Drugs can help some people. Some people need the drugs. Some people need them indefinitely. Some people benefit, then taper, and never look back. A lot of people are on pills who probably could do better without them.

Hope this helps. I'm not trying to scare you, but...psych drugs are serious business, even though these pills are handed out like candy.

[poison_oak]

I don't think I have psychosis? I feel like i would know otherwise. Yeah I'm not saying that all meds are bad, i know they help some people. They were helping for a while, personally. So anyone reading i'm not saying that at all. That makes sense about the abilify, ever since i started it it gradually (going up in dosage over time) this feeling has been more prominent. The buspar is for anxiety and did take the edge off. I still had bipolar symptoms just the edge was taken off. I'm thinking of just going back to buspirone alone once i talk to my psychiatrist. Thank you for sharing.

Welcome, poison oak!
It might just be a matter of adjusting dosages (especially as you say your response changed as the dosage changed). Your Pdoc (psychiatrist) can help with that. Best not to do that on your own.

As far as it making a sort of identity crisis... It's pretty common for people to have an adjustment period. The extreme highs and lows are what is familiar. To not have them is unfamiliar, and can seem dull in comparison. As this all is fairly new to you, that could well be a factor. Still, you don't want to feel overly zombiesque (haha, is that a word?) The goal is to control the extent of the swings to a manageable level without getting *too* flattened. Finding that sweet spot can take time.

When do you see your Pdoc next?

[Gabyunbound]

I agree that finding that 'sweet spot' is so hard. We need to have enough of the right mediations to prevent hypo/mania and depression and yet to keep our personalities and zest for life. I have yet to find it and admit to a certain amount of apathy. In some ways I like myself more (less irritable and no mood swings), but in others I very much like myself less (next to no passion, no longer interested in what I once was, such as writing and translation and interpreting and reading)... I'm on two AP's Abilify and Seroquel, I'm trying to get off of Seroquel because of the sedation. I don't know if Abiify is negatively affecting me because I've never taken it without Seroquel, amongst other medications, but I don't think I've had side effects from Abilify from what I can tell, but not sure.

When I told a pdoc about anhedonia (which I think is what we're describing) he said we can 'deal with that later.' I can't speak for everyone, but I do wish pdocs took more seriously this aspect of taking medications and how important it is for us, as patients, to not feel this way.

I would talk to your pdoc about changing around medications to try and find that 'sweet spot' (it may take more than one change/try) to prevent what needs to be prevented while still preventing apathy as well and allowing the 'fire in you' to burn and not burn out.

[bioChE]

Gaby is right, what we're talking about is anhedonia. In my experience, the docs have all tried to medicate the mania and depression into oblivion as a first step in treatment.

Then as others have said, things can be adjusted to allow as much personality (fire? passion? Zest?) back into your life as you can handle. Without flying off the handle, if you know what I mean.

It's definitely a time and topic of discussion for you and your psychiatrist. I'm also in need of such a discussion, so this thread is a welcome thing for me. Please keep us updated if and when you have that talk.