[boogiesmash]

I don't really know how to answer this question. People say be yourself, but I think I hate myself. I hate this depression that sometimes lifts then comes back. I hate the shape I'm in, I used to be in excellent shape. I hate whining and complaining. I hate how lonely I am, a girl can be in front of me and I'll break into tears because I have no self confidence and wouldn't stand a chance. I hate all this. Why can't I be good, handsome fit and confident. This was the old me and I want that back. Way did a few events turn me into a very depressed individual. Why can't I be happy. Why can't I find someone. This all fn hurts. It hurts so much. Do I even have a purpose? My dreams have been crushed. I can't remake myself. I've had episodes of hope but obviously not now. Life has knocked me down so many times at this point I feel like I'm just a piece of s$)t.

[Wander]

I really understand some of what you are feeling. My physical and mental illnesses make me feel like I will never find a man who will want to be with me and have to deal with all my crap. When I am depressed I feel so damn lonely and in despair about it all. It is the most awful feeling.

Life may have knocked you down but you will rise again. You will. Hang in there.

[boogiesmash]

It just fn hurts so much. I don't want to take it. I can't function and feel helpless and hopeless. I just want it to end.

[Wander]

Breathe and wait. This will pass. Are you safe? Can you take some Clonazepam to calm you down?

[boogiesmash]

Sounds like a good idea maybe flexeril too so I can just sleep.

[MusicLover82]

((HUGS)) It will get better. Make sure your pdoc and T know about how you are feeling. It sounds like depression talking, and there are probably things they can do to help you cope with or lessen the depression.

In the meantime, I would be exercising like crazy to try to increase my endorphins. I know it's hard to get yourself to the gym or outside when depressed, but maybe you can find a friend to work out with. Exercise improves my mood so much. It would boost your confidence, too.

We're rooting for you! It's never too late to change your life. See your pdoc or T ASAP if you need support.

[boogiesmash]

I just worked out an hour and half. Killed it elliptical wise and did some lifting. Trying to average 1500 calorie burn a day.

[JustJace2u]

I was just having this sort of discussion with my t yesterday. At the age of 42 you would think I'd have figured out by now WHO I am. Well, that certainly hasn't happened. I really wish I had an answer

It's amazing that you can hit the gym so intensely and consistently and still feel so crappy. When I feel the way you describe, exercise is not an option. How is your diet? Have you discussed with your pdoc the possibility of changing one or more of your medications?