Forced IP **TRIGGER+

Been wanting to die, not commit suicide, c'est un difference. Either way, systems not operating. I shrieked stress silently all Christmas, pushed down the crown of insanity to keep the rage of grafitti looking like a dreamy bikini.

So I pulled a 22 on bf bc we were drunk and he wouldn't leave. He deftly put it down, I am glad, I was being impulsive. I punched him. I have never hit another person. It was a powder snow shot. Then he punched me back. Whallop! He's 6"3 230 lb just out of prison for assault on an officer and his ex and 3 duis. I tumbled across the floor trying to curl my spine to absorb the shock. This happened Sat night. I started cutting my wrists. We drank and blacked out. I called a friend for help.

I was clean and sober while he was in prison and when he got out in Nov. the first three weeks were great but he began to sneak drinks around me. Instead of staying away from him I was magnetized to his energy and I relapsed. After 13 months of sobriety I lavished in the bronze silk of bourbon swallows. The angels fluted their trumpets and tried to dissuade me from my old foes, but that one remembered gilded exscacy, that happy hour, the golden clinking, was too much in the muddle of a shovelled brown dirt depression. I had to grab the golden ring...and so I did.

So Sat night my friend came over and we called a cab bc drunk bf tried to fight my friend's husband for no reason.. My bf has 3 duis and cant drive and we wanted him to leave bc he was drunk. He was aggressive and tried to fight the cabbie. So we called another cab and finally got him out after he fell over backwards in the chair. When he's sober he's more golden hearted than an angel of God, but when he's drunk he's a demon spittin' venom. How to love Jekyl and Hyde? Answer: You find some stabe, rich, accountant with,a big di@k

Then I felt ok to stay home and just go to bed but my friend said I should go ip. I told her I didn't have insurance and couldn't pay $6000.00. So she goes behind my back and calls 911 and suddenly 10 ems uniformed troops have landed in my living room demanding I ride in the ems with them to the hospital. They are freaked out about my zebra cuts on my wrist. I tell them I can't pay $ 500.00 bill for an ambulance! So they say I HAVE to let my friend take me to hospital. So I basically HAVE to Go. My friend is an ex rn.

Im in ip for 3 1/2 days. I get No Meds until the 3rd day. No meds are changed. I'm given no detox meds. The Drs. are not helpful. I am already established in community and didn't need therapy or Dr. or social worker. They lost my medication that was in my purse upon discharge. The whole hospital was a waste and how am I going to pay for it? Should I tell friend she may have jumped the gun? I did get support from some very cool patients. I did break up with bf on phone who agreed with breakup and said he would never drink again but I'm not buying the bs. I'm hopeful that without this bf I can have a new life. Im having a drink because the meds I was off for 4 day and then put back on are making me feel horrible. Sorry, I'll do better tomorrow. Will not drink too much tonight. Please tell me there's a reason to live.

thanks for reading this. just wanted to share my experience. Psyche Hospitals seem for people who are 1., not on meds and need meds need to be set up with a Dr., 2. someone new to recovery, 3. someone who has been a heavy drug user and alcoholic and needs physical detox, someone who is suicidal, I mean seriously with an attempt 4.someone who can't make it in the world due to anxiety, anger, adhd, depression, they just are struggling, 5, someone like me who is unstable and people who are constant relapsers trying to detox, 6. then there are always a few who are either out of it cognitively or ones who have outbursts and create a hostile environment tend to think the latter are bullied in the past and do best quietly coloring.

Maybe your friend was hoping this would be more useful and a wake up call? I hope you can stay away from your ex bf and once more enjoy sobriety being around him sounds very violent and unstable.

I'm sorry you've been through all this. I hope things improve.

wow, this is quite a story.
I hope things stabilize for you.
bizi

I'm so sorry you went through all of this. You've had sobriety before and I know you can do it again. The bf sounds like a huge trigger. Please take care of you right now. We are all pulling for you here!!

Thanks everybody. Yes, the important thing is to stay away from the bf. A guy in the hospital said that was the easy thing and I chuckled and nodded my head, no. That isn't easy for me. I was loyal to him the whole time he was in prison. I know I will get lonely. I am sick of AA but that's the only safe place I know right now to make friends and where my support is so I will go back. Just not up to it today. Thanks for all of your caring words.

Good luck with getting everything straightened out and turned around. Thanks for sharing your story!