What does it mean to be stable when you're bipolar?

Hey guys and girls,

My first post here. Hello!

I have bipolar I and was diagnosed about 10 years ago. During that time I've had a recurring pattern. Stable... Hypomanic... Manic... Psychosis... Depression. From manic to psychosis could go quite fast (say 2 weeks) But depression would last for months. Then i would be ok for some time and stress would start the pattern again. I managed to stop it once at hypomanic, which also led to depression but a bit milder.

The last two years really ****ed me up. I became psychotic and depressed (for months) in 2015 and then again in 2016 leaving me scared and robbed of any confidence in myself and in life. I'm fighting this feeling everyday and I am doing a better. I have some fun, enjoy the time i spent with my girlfriend and am finnishing a master degree in clinical psychology.

Nevertheless i see monsters around every corner and find it difficult to truely relax. Some days I'm good other days I wake up feeling like **** and cry on my way to work. I think of killing myself (never tried it, but I find the idea of just not being here really appealing). I'm really anxious.

This week my girlfriend had to be away for some days for work and this left me really destabilized. My rhytm was messed up and so my mood. This morning i feel like i'm a waste of space. I know this feeling will leave me again. But come on do I have to feel like this every x days?

According to my psychiatrist i'm stable. But that's what bothering me. Is this the best i can be? I would really like to hear from you guys what being stable means for you. It's been a year since my last episode and i want more out of my life. So... Are you really stable? Do you have mood swings all the time? What does it mean to be stable when you're bipolar?

Comments much appreciated!

P.S.

I'm on meds and have a coach to help me out with the daily stuff.

I'm thinking that stability is just not being in danger of too high or too low.

I don't know exactly what my pdoc defines stability as, but it must be so many weeks outside of an episode. I used to get a piece of paper at my old pdoc's office where they'd circle your diagnosis code 296.6 for example. Then I'd know if my most recent episode was manic, etc. Now, my pdoc must put it in the computer after I leave.

I chart my moods. Stable is when I have a straight line indicating I am neither too high nor too low with little fluctuation. That way I know my mood stabilizer is working. I still get depressed but it comes on very gradually and by charting my moods I can see it. It is my evidence. Then I can take steps to fix it. I don't focus on a single day but look for patterns. Every so often I will have a bad day and that shows up as a little blip. I try to normalize that by saying to myself that people without bipolar have bad days too. Again, I look at the big picture to define my stability.

It means I can feel my emotions and still be functional. Just because I'm stable doesn't mean I won't have moods. I'm stable now but kind of down because my back is hurting.

There is bipolar stability and then there is life stability. Bipolar stability just means you are not depressed or manic. Life stability I is harder and means you can handle life's rocky up and downs without devolving. For me life stability took both meds and a lot of work with a T to learn coping skills.

I agree with nammu. I'm finally stable. I have PTSD too. The ptsd kept me from being stable for a long time. The skills I learned in therapy really helped.

For me stability is, being able to handle life without flipping out. I did finally get my meds right too with a good pnurse. I still get a little depressed in the winter but it's nothing like it used to be. No more hypos tho. But I'd rather be stable now than have them and risk mania or psychosis.

I feel it's a combination of finding the right meds and coping skills.

Stability? Stability for me has come to mean a boring life devoid of those pastimes, loves, and joys of my manic life. Stability has meant even being dragged from the very earth so linked to my being to a land similarly devoid of heart, of spirit, of my very connection to what I considered divine.

From soaking up the spirit of all that surrounds me atop a mountain, from hiking through the thick raincoast forests, from kayaking amongst the orca, from snowshoeing a trail, I was dragged kicking and screaming to the land of flat endless, cold, and barren prairie - where not a single tree that stands was planted by human hands.

Stability means having to mourn the past with the realization that what once brought joy can never be experienced again.

But I suppose stabiity is neccesary - despite the sheer volume of anger and resentment for it. I DO recognize I could not maintain the previous status quo. I think this makes the mourning of that life that much more difficult. The anger though directed at those who dragged me into this current life of stability is not quelled.

No, I do not like being 'stable'. The hardest part about it of all? Knowing that this is the best thing for me.

For me it means not having episodes that are so severe they interfere with my life in a drastic way.

For me it means regular sleep, first and foremost, and an even mood.

I also much appreciated reading seoultous' post, which inspired me to not skip charting moods. Thanks seoultous!

Thanks for all the replies!

The difference made here between bipolar stability and life stability (Nammu) is really important to me. I can see that I'm not depressed right now. Or at least not depressed enough for it to translate into a diagnosis. But my mood does get dark easily. That would make me stable from a bipolar perspective, but not from a life perspective.

I'm glad to hear that being bipolar doesn't automatically mean that it's impossible to have 'life stability' outside of your episodes. Or would you guys say that being bipolar makes your moods (when you're stable) over the top compared to 'normal' people?

I know I have some personal issues to work through that are seriously affecting my mood and I am trying to work through them. But at the same time I'm trying to set my expectations right.

Dear justafriend, I really hope that you can find a way to have joy and fun. I take meds, and I do have joy and fun. The meds have helped my creativity a lot. I can slow down and not rush through my things -- don't speed up anymore when I play my music, can pace myself in drawings, where I don't feel driven to finish one all at once, which means the last parts of the drawing are sloppy.Now, I work on a drawing for a little while for a few days, and it turns out well.

But I still get hypomanic, and depressed. Yesterday, I was way, way down at the bottom of my mood chart depression. Much worse than I have been in a very very long time -- and for good reasons. I'm terrified after the election, one person I know died, my brother is extremely ill and can't do all the physical things that have been his life until suddenly they were gone. Nobody can figure out what's wrong with him, or what if anything can be done to help him. He is 71 years old and up until about 6 weeks ago, he was building metal gates and welding his art work on them. His favorite pastime -- this is the truth -- is digging ditches by hand. My brother also told me about this mentally ill disabled man who is an artist. My brother went the man's art show, and met that young man, and learned of his abusive childhood. I wish my brother had not told me. All this really, really got to me.

I copied a bunch of cat pictures from the google images, pasted them in Word posters. With uplifting things that fit the cat picture. These help me a lot. They motivate me and cheer me up, and prevent episodess.