[Nickiskip]

*Possible Trigger Warning*











I'm trying to figure something out. This past Friday I had a very bad episode of Psychosis. The second time in my life. A friend of mine had to sit with me until I calmed down enough to get to sleep. I've been reading up on psychosis as much as I can here at work, which isn't much with all the blocked sites. I'm starting to wonder what the difference between hallucinations and psychosis kind of in depth. There are some things in my past that come to mind after Friday's episode that make me wonder if I have been bipolar since I was a child. I remember there was a time in my life where I thought that demons were trying to get me to commit suicide. There were voices in my head arguing and they wouldn't shut up. I was everything in the book to these voices. Stupid, Ugly, Slut, ***** nothing was off limits to what these voices said to me. It was usually at night when this occurred. I'm trying to understand the difference because I think this is important to tell my therapist. Even though it was years ago I want to make sure that I am on the right track with my diagnosis. I also remember once the night after my aunt died I saw a pale little girl in a white bloodstained nightgown. It was only for a second. I've also Had it once where I was awake in my room. I heard foots steps walking above me (my room is downstairs) but no one was home. I heard them come down the stairs through my daughters rooms which you have to walk through to get to my room It felt like someone was pressing on my chest. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't talk, I could only pray... I've been afraid to take a nap in my bed in the daytime ever since. Can someone help me understand the difference between the two that would make since to someone who currently has brain fog from the medications I'm on? Thanks.

[Moose72]

I get the voices arguing in my head too.

[neodoering]

As far as psychotic symptoms, I get paranoia, voices, visual hallucinations, and a lot of delusions. I also get nasty headaches to accompany these symptoms, sometimes. Over the last ten days I thought 3 times that I was God. No idea what causes these ideas; it wasn't like I was reading a book about religion or something. Last year I was reading books about geniuses, and sure enough, I started believing I was a genius

I'm not a pdoc, but I think that hallucinations are psychotic symptoms. The intensity of the symptoms vary in different people, both over time and with each episode, and there are triggers which make them worse. Your sensation of someone pressing down on your body would be really creepy. I've not experienced anything like that, that I can remember.

I have voices trying to convince me to kill myself, from time to time, so I get where you're coming from. Nasty voices, no good, and you have to fight them off, or grit and grin. Glad to hear you have a therapist; make good use of him or her.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by neodoering

As far as psychotic symptoms, I get paranoia, voices, visual hallucinations, and a lot of delusions. I also get nasty headaches to accompany these symptoms, sometimes. Over the last ten days I thought 3 times that I was God. No idea what causes these ideas; it wasn't like I was reading a book about religion or something. Last year I was reading books about geniuses, and sure enough, I started believing I was a genius

I'm not a pdoc, but I think that hallucinations are psychotic symptoms. The intensity of the symptoms vary in different people, both over time and with each episode, and there are triggers which make them worse. Your sensation of someone pressing down on your body would be really creepy. I've not experienced anything like that, that I can remember.

I have voices trying to convince me to kill myself, from time to time, so I get where you're coming from. Nasty voices, no good, and you have to fight them off, or grit and grin. Glad to hear you have a therapist; make good use of him or her.

I totally agree with your post. Last time I was manic, I wanted to read this book called "Manic" but wasn't able to follow it. I get voices commanding me to do things. And I think people are following or chasing me. I think also that people are aliens and can read my mind. I get voices fighting inside my head- fighting with me back and forth, telling each other to "shut up!"

[Nickiskip]

I was actually feeling pretty good when I posted this thinking it was a good question to ask and now my friend made me feel like crap because she swears up and down I keep trying to self diagnose myself. I just want to understand things so that I can recognize and manage triggers. Like she doesn't even realize that when she doesn't let me have my moment of clarity she just sends me into the mood of feeling worthless. 😐😯 thanks everyone for your comments. I'm just trying to piece together some moments in my past that are starting to make sense you know.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Nickiskip

I was actually feeling pretty good when I posted this thinking it was a good question to ask and now my friend made me feel like crap because she swears up and down I keep trying to self diagnose myself. I just want to understand things so that I can recognize and manage triggers. Like she doesn't even realize that when she doesn't let me have my moment of clarity she just sends me into the mood of feeling worthless. 😐😯 thanks everyone for your comments. I'm just trying to piece together some moments in my past that are starting to make sense you know.

I completely understand and have done this myself. Keep posting away!

[bioChE]

Why are you trying to self diagnose? Do you have a psychiatrist?

[Nickiskip]

I'm not trying to self diagnose. I'm trying to learn how to function the right way. To educate myself so that I can learn how to better handle my moods. I'm having a hard time with my diagnosis. So learning more about it and how to help myself makes me feel better. Its like every new thing I learn about BP my friend wants to say I am self diagnosing all because I mention there are other disorders that have symptoms that cross with BP. I have always had an interest in psychology. From the moment I was diagnosed with depression when I was 13 I wanted to learn all I could to help children and Teens cope and hopefully keep them from going through what I went through alone. I don't do anything my Dr or my therapist doesn't tell me to do. I don't try to give myself an illness that they haven't themselves said I have. I think her worry comes from my research into schizophrenia. That is not something I research to try to diagnose myself with. My birth mother has been clinically diagnosed with it. So sometimes I try to understand the differences between me and her. Because if I'm honest with myself. I don't want to be like my mother. I'm afraid to be... Then again I didn't want to be bipolar either but as it stands that is my diagnosis and I am slowly coming to terms with it. 😊😊😊

[bioChE]

Coming to terms with a diagnosis is hard. When I was first diagnosed I went through a period of intense research into the subject. I learned a lot, and more than anything I learned to accept it as part of my life. I also accepted the fact that I will likely be on psych meds until I die. So be it.

These days I don't really give a rip about learning more. I feel I've got a handle on what the disease is, and after 20+ years of being diagnosed there's not much left to care about. I deal with the moods as they come, work with my doc on med combos, and try to live life to the best of my abilities. I don't really care about the label anymore. Not many people I come in contact with know about it. I have a couple close friends, my wife, and my family. That's about it. It's not something I make known at work, although there is a push at my work these days of mental health awareness. Evidently the most prescribed drugs in my company's insurance plan is psych meds. That let's me know I'm not alone in my suffering.

Anyway, I say live life the best you can. We play the hand we're dealt. There are others who have it much worse than we do.

[Nickiskip]

Originally Posted by bioChE

Coming to terms with a diagnosis is hard. When I was first diagnosed I went through a period of intense research into the subject. I learned a lot, and more than anything I learned to accept it as part of my life. I also accepted the fact that I will likely be on psych meds until I die. So be it.

These days I don't really give a rip about learning more. I feel I've got a handle on what the disease is, and after 20+ years of being diagnosed there's not much left to care about. I deal with the moods as they come, work with my doc on med combos, and try to live life to the best of my abilities. I don't really care about the label anymore. Not many people I come in contact with know about it. I have a couple close friends, my wife, and my family. That's about it. It's not something I make known at work, although there is a push at my work these days of mental health awareness. Evidently the most prescribed drugs in my company's insurance plan is psych meds. That let's me know I'm not alone in my suffering.

Anyway, I say live life the best you can. We play the hand we're dealt. There are others who have it much worse than we do.

Thank you for that. I know it's just hard on me right now because I'm just now being diagnosed. As a friend who has PTSD, Anxiety, and fibro, on top of the issues her children have mentally I would think she would understand. But some people I guess get so much therapy they think they can counsel others. I just explained to my friend as best I could what I've been doing. She didn't really say she understood or really responded but it felt better to say something rather than cry about it and avoid conflict. I'm just glad that now when I get a little down I can still feel that little bit of hope and happiness inside of me. 🤗