[IntentOnHealing]

Hey....

It's awfully dark in here, inside my head and heart, and I could really use some insight and encouragement.

I have never been this sick and it has never taken this long to get well. I'm so frustrated with the super-slow "two steps forward, three steps back" nature of this particular healing.

This string of episodes started last February. Yep, of 2016, with a ten-month mania that eventually lost me my job and so much more, and which crashed me into one of the ugliest and deepest depressions I've ever experienced.

I've been hospitalized three times already.

Honestly, I just feel like this Black Dog Darkness--which barked its way in last November--is never going to go away. Like it gets HARDER to deal with [depression and mania] as I age, not easier. I'm so discouraged. And frustrated. And guilty for how it affects my husband and son.

What's WITH that? I'm not a dummy (though I really feel like one lately!). Shouldn't it get easier as I learn what works and what doesn't? Is this a hormone (read: "perimenopause") thing?

It seems like everything I've ever known about my own disorder has gone out the window and suddenly I'm nineteen and newly diagnosed all over again.

I'm getting desperate.

Thoughts?

[Alokin]

What kinds of things have you been doing to help yourself? How is your support system? Maybe you should have your hormone levels and stuff checked, when was the last time you had a physical? You may be experiencing something unrelated, but making your symptoms worse???

[lilypup]

I am menopausal and honestly do not think hormones affected me one way or the other. I had a terrible two year depression (stayed in bed) a few years back. I have come out of it now, but still spend a lot of time sitting on the couch. I do all kinds of things to help: exercise, yoga, meditate, journal, mood chart, take meds, get sleep, support group, being thankful, go to church, stay on a routine, see friends, you name it. I have a pdoc and two tdocs. I still struggle every day to feel decent.

I also feel guilty about how it affects my family. I think they have accepted me being down as the norm.

I am depressed about being depressed.

It HAS gotten better for me from the deep hole, but it's not back to normal. I try not to give up hope.

I hope it gets lighter for you soon. You are not alone.

[Wild Coyote]

I have been prone to severe depressions, both very long and deep, my whole life. I experience a few short periods of hypomania, yet nowhere as frequently as the depressions. I am going through a deep depression now.

I am sorry you are going through this.


WC

[IntentOnHealing]

Alokin,

These are really good questions. I've been thinking about them over the last day or so.

My support system is good...except for one thing: my best friend totally abandoned me in the middle of the acute mania of last fall. We haven't spoken since October 15th. She didn't even give me a chance to explain, which was not like us or her at all. She was like a kindergartener, as odd and inexplicable as: "You bounced my ball, and I didn't want you to bounce my ball, so now you're not my friend!" That still stings, even though my husband points out--and accurately so, I think--that her leaving was more about her borderline personality disorder than it was about me, my episode, or anything else. She's the only one to have done that. I have five or six people I can count on for communication and support every day if I need it and another five or six I could count on for weekly support, and probably a dozen I could count on for monthly support. I am active in our local NAMI, can walk to another day program held by the county on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and see my therapist weekly. So I think we're good there. Being more active on here is an effort to get insight from others who know what bipolar actually feels like and to hopefully make additional friends. I'm a super-social person.

Hormone levels. Except for thyroid levels, my gyno won't test them. She says they will be irregular, we can tell what's going on based on symptomology, and testing them won't change anything--including treatment. That makes sense to me. We discussed those things in detail; here I'm summarizing in a way that might sound brittle, but she's not.

Physical: You get one every time you are hospitalized for psych. I've been hospitalized three times since September.

I still feel lonely and isolated and kind of off. I still don't even have the stamina to keep my house--or even my body--clean and for this neat-freak...that's saying a lot. I'd really like to go back to work, but that's a long, loong way off. It's just never taken so long and I'm frustrated and--truth be told--scared. I'm not good at waiting to find out what my "new normal" might look like. I feel like being a kindergartener myself...watch out! Tantrum immanent!

[IntentOnHealing]

Wild Coyote,

Thank you! I'm sorry you are going through this too!

Hugs

[IntentOnHealing]

Lilypup,

Thank you. Your situation sounds awful. That you can be compassionate to someone else whose situation is mild compared to yours is really amazing. Thank you.

I should be doing more of the things you mentioned. I have many of them on my list of "used-to-dos." It' so hard to force yourself to do anything at all when you're depressed. Just getting out of bed in the morning is a big task. I know you get that, which is a big, big deal to me. Thank you again!

[*Laurie*]

Oh, I so understand how you feel, Intent. '2 steps forward and 3 steps back'...yes.

I will say that, for me, menopause has caused a tremendous fluctuation in my mood state. And meds used to be much more helpful than they are now. I cannot seem to sustain stability the way I used to, and I suspect menopause is at least partly responsible.

[Alokin]

Originally Posted by IntentOnHealing

Alokin,

These are really good questions. I've been thinking about them over the last day or so.

My support system is good...except for one thing: my best friend totally abandoned me in the middle of the acute mania of last fall. We haven't spoken since October 15th. She didn't even give me a chance to explain, which was not like us or her at all. She was like a kindergartener, as odd and inexplicable as: "You bounced my ball, and I didn't want you to bounce my ball, so now you're not my friend!" That still stings, even though my husband points out--and accurately so, I think--that her leaving was more about her borderline personality disorder than it was about me, my episode, or anything else. She's the only one to have done that. I have five or six people I can count on for communication and support every day if I need it and another five or six I could count on for weekly support, and probably a dozen I could count on for monthly support. I am active in our local NAMI, can walk to another day program held by the county on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and see my therapist weekly. So I think we're good there. Being more active on here is an effort to get insight from others who know what bipolar actually feels like and to hopefully make additional friends. I'm a super-social person.

Hormone levels. Except for thyroid levels, my gyno won't test them. She says they will be irregular, we can tell what's going on based on symptomology, and testing them won't change anything--including treatment. That makes sense to me. We discussed those things in detail; here I'm summarizing in a way that might sound brittle, but she's not.

Physical: You get one every time you are hospitalized for psych. I've been hospitalized three times since September.

I still feel lonely and isolated and kind of off. I still don't even have the stamina to keep my house--or even my body--clean and for this neat-freak...that's saying a lot. I'd really like to go back to work, but that's a long, loong way off. It's just never taken so long and I'm frustrated and--truth be told--scared. I'm not good at waiting to find out what my "new normal" might look like. I feel like being a kindergartener myself...watch out! Tantrum immanent!

Ugh, i have had many "good friends" abandon me too, it is not easy, not at all. I am super sorry about that, perhaps she will be able to work it out and come back to you?

It sounds like you have an excellent system set up at least. But once you get into the struggle it is just hard. I wish I had more suggestions or a way to help.

Sometimes it helps to have a little tantrum...or at least getting some stuff out.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by IntentOnHealing

Hey....

It's awfully dark in here, inside my head and heart, and I could really use some insight and encouragement.

I have never been this sick and it has never taken this long to get well. I'm so frustrated with the super-slow "two steps forward, three steps back" nature of this particular healing.

This string of episodes started last February. Yep, of 2016, with a ten-month mania that eventually lost me my job and so much more, and which crashed me into one of the ugliest and deepest depressions I've ever experienced.

I've been hospitalized three times already.





Honestly, I just feel like this Black Dog Darkness--which barked its way in last November--is never going to go away. Like it gets HARDER to deal with [depression and mania] as I age, not easier. I'm so discouraged. And frustrated. And guilty for how it affects my husband and son.

What's WITH that? I'm not a dummy (though I really feel like one lately!). Shouldn't it get easier as I learn what works and what doesn't? Is this a hormone (read: "perimenopause") thing?

It seems like everything I've ever known about my own disorder has gone out the window and suddenly I'm nineteen and newly diagnosed all over again.

I'm getting desperate.

Thoughts?

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. Could your pdoc try another medication. You're not alone. Hugs coming your way.

[Sunflower123]

[QUOTE=Wild Coyote;5567607]I have been prone to severe depressions, both very long and deep, my whole life. I experience a few short periods of hypomania, yet nowhere as frequently as the depressions. I am going through a deep depression now.

I am sorry you are going through this

WC I'm sorry you're going through this. That's how mine works as well.