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  #1  
Old Apr 26, 2017, 08:16 PM
mmmt91993 mmmt91993 is offline
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So, I have been diagnosed bipolar since I was in high school. I am now in my mid twenties, and was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type about a year ago, (which was inevitable, because schizophrenia runs in my family.) Anyways, I have always had problems functioning in society. In elementary school I used to literally run out of school during the middle of the day and run home. In high school I would just never go to school. I got my associates degree ONLINE so I wouldn't have to actually go to school. I feel nervous in public, and have panic attacks all day. I feel like everyone is staring at me, or talking about me. When I get too worked up it gets my voices going, and I feel like everyone around me can hear them and that freaks me out more.

I have been employed on and off for the past 10 years. I have never kept a job longer than a year, and the only job I was able to keep for a year I was fired from. I just started a new job 3 weeks ago working as an auditor at a hotel. Last night, before I even left for work, I knew it was going to be a rough night. I was dreading it all day, and started having a panic attack 20 minutes before I had to leave. This triggered my voices, which were telling me that if I went to work I was going to die. I had my fiancé drive me to work, because I knew that if I drove myself I wouldn't go, I would just run away like I always do. But that didn't even work. I panicked the whole ride, and could not stop crying, and right before we were about to turn into the parking lot I started screaming at him to take me home.

So here I am, at home, hating myself because I did a no call no show on ANOTHER job, (this has to be the 20th time AT LEAST!) I haven't looked at my phone all day long because I don't want to read everyone's texts and voicemails asking me where I am and if I'm ok. What do I do? I have tried so many coping methods, NOTHING helps! And I've been going through this since I was 5 years old. It's physically exhausting me. Last week I slept a total of 25 hours in 2 days because I could not stay awake. I am currently on Latuda, Depakote, and Xanax as needed. I have tried a multitude of meds, (Prozac, Zoloft, seroquil, amiben, Ativan, lithium, etc.) but they only ever work temporarily. My tolerance builds up so quickly, and for this reason I've gotten physically addicted to Benzos before, and I am NOT willing to put myself through that again. HELP!!!!!
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  #2  
Old Apr 27, 2017, 05:07 AM
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Victoria'smom Victoria'smom is online now
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My first thought was trying to work online or over the phone from home for a company like Apple. My second thought is you need your meds tweaked or another antipsychotic. The voices and thoughts should not be running your life. For me I know certain places are triggering to me enough to make me nervous about attending but not enough not to go. You need to be at least at that level. I would call your dr in the morning.
My last thought is do you have to work? Intensive outpatient or partial hospitalization maybe a good option for you while trying to get meds figured out.
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  #3  
Old Apr 27, 2017, 11:56 AM
mmmt91993 mmmt91993 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miguel'smom View Post
My first thought was trying to work online or over the phone from home for a company like Apple. My second thought is you need your meds tweaked or another antipsychotic. The voices and thoughts should not be running your life. For me I know certain places are triggering to me enough to make me nervous about attending but not enough not to go. You need to be at least at that level. I would call your dr in the morning.
My last thought is do you have to work? Intensive outpatient or partial hospitalization maybe a good option for you while trying to get meds figured out.
I always get so nervous when I need to go places that I feel like I literally can't go, and if I push myself to go, my voices are so loud the whole time I'm gone. I have been inpatiented in our local psych hospital when I was 10, and again when I was 12, and again when I was 17. Every time I walk in there, or drive by, it just brings back old memories and scares me off. When I was in elementary school I was put in the inpatient program for bipolar disorder and extreme separation anxiety, and I went completely manic when my parents left. I was kicking the counselors, screaming so loud that everyone in the adolescent wing could hear me, and they ended up putting me in a padded room in the dark, and I was in there for the entire afternoon screaming my head off. I'm scared that walking into any hospital like that will trigger me again because of those memories.
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  #4  
Old Apr 27, 2017, 01:44 PM
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Intensive outpatient doesn't have to be at a hospital. It can be at a clinic. Are you in therapy? Did you call your psychiatrist and tell them the voices are affecting your ability to work?
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Husband- Bipolar 1
Daughter- mood disorder+


Comfortable broken and happy

"So I don't know why I'm tongue tied At the wrong time when I need this."- P!nk
My blog
Hugs from:
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