Who else is actively sabotaging?

After lots and lots and lots (and lots) of self reflection over the years, I can tell when I'm manic, getting there, or on my way down.
I'm on my way up. No sleep last night, not eating, solving world problems etc...
In therapy today, my t pointed out that I am manipulating my husband, and spinning his words to give myself a reason to be mad at him. Which then leads to very bad things.
For example, in the past the next thing that I would do is cause a big fight, leave for a few days, cheat on him, spend too much money and mix pills and alcohol.

I don't want to live like that.
I want to control this illness, not allow it to control my life.

So, now with a bit more wisdom than younger me, I am aware I'm sabotaging. He is aware I'm sabotaging. My t is aware. My mom is aware. Literally my whole support system is aware.
But, how do I stop?

Opposite action, blah blah blah... I feel great right now. I'm active. I'm happy. And yes, I'm on the verge of big mania.

But those pills make me feel flat. I hate them.

I just don't want to repeat past mistakes. I'll lose my family. I don't get another chance.

Advice?

You gotta fight it. It sounds like you still have some insight, so hang onto it. Write down a list of your priorities and challenge the manic urges. Go IP if you can't control yourself. Rely on others to reality check. Do whatever you can do to stop the mania.

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A lot of the pills make us feel flat. Thank goodness we have access to them. Can you share what it feels like when you are balanced?

Manipulation is not part of bipolar. Sorry, but it really bothers me when people blame what is just bad behavior on BP, it misinforms people who read it and don't realize. We've got enough stigma to deal with as it is.

That said, I'm glad you are taking it to heart and wanting to stop. The only advice I can think of is to try to catch yourself and remember that that is not how you want to be. And maybe learning some healthy techniques for conflict.

Good luck!

Mama, what pills are you taking right now during your upswing?

Oh god, i am the master of self sabotage. I like porn, specifically female domination porn. It is sort of to test my limits, but with bipolar it can be harmful. Also i spend when i know i shouldn't, i say things i know are bad.. i sort of set myself up for failure.

I don't want to manipulate my husband or sabotage our marriage, so I don't do either.

I agree with Innerzone, manipulation is not a bipolar feature.

Congrats on your insights!
I hope you will choose options which build up your marriage and create mutual trust and mutual respect within your family.


WC