[cashart10]

Anyone else struggle with this? I am currently getting all my paperwork together and I'm anxious to see what my ip has to say. Overall though, it kills a lot of pride. I don't mean to scoff because I know it can be completely necessary but it kills me. I feel like I can hold down a job but then I just can't. I ****ing hate bp!

[Standup2me]

My Pdoc wants me to take a leave but my employer is such a jerk that I know he will find a way to eliminate my job. I despise him.
I need to go on leave so much...but I have too much responsibility

[Victoria'smom]

I've been disabled from 18 on. I only held a part time summer job. I constantly feel I can hold a job but I know in reality I can't. I'm sorry you have to go on disability.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I filed at 26 and felt horrible.

[Sunflower123]

I understand how you feel. I went to school for many years and really busted my *** to get my bachelors degree then my MBA then my CPA all while raising a child and working full time. I had to file for disability around your age and it really hit me hard. What a waste of time, money and effort! What a blow to my pride and self esteem! I also wondered if the stress I put myself through to obtain my education and my career caused the bipolar to become out of control.

I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are. I felt the same way. I still do some days and start thinking about going back to work but I know, in reality, I'm not ready. Disability is there for cases like ours. Good luck with the disability process.

Disability feels defeating in so many ways. I could make a never ending list of the ways. It's also so helpful and I could list a million reasons for that too. At the end of the day, it's not a choice we want to make or wish to be in a situation where we need to make it....it just is what needs to be done and when you decide it needs to be done, better to get the ball rolling sooner than later cause it's not a fast process for most. (((Hugs)))

My wife won't let me. Period. I'm too high functioning at times for her to think it's debilitating.

I won't lie, I would be more than mildly ashamed and disappointed in myself if I had to file for disability. But, I often feel at times that I could snap in a moment and this house of cards I'm playing with will come down in pieces.

[Standup2me]

Originally Posted by neodk

My wife won't let me. Period. I'm too high functioning at times for her to think it's debilitating.

I won't lie, I would be more than mildly ashamed and disappointed in myself if I had to file for disability. But, I often feel at times that I could snap in a moment and this house of cards I'm playing with will come down in pieces.

I don't know if I could have put my feelings in any better words than what you have. One day it will all come tumbling down.

[RainyDay107]

I was around your age, Cash. Big hugs to you.

Remember that it doesn't have to be permanent either. It may just be temporary (((hugs)))

[ZiggyLu]

I started my disability at 32. It did really bother me, but fast forward 4 years later now that I'm stable and feel I can go back to work I realized how much I did need it. I couldn't even get out of bed and brush my teeth everyday, nevermind driving to work and functioning all day.

[Wild Coyote]

Filing for disability and accepting the "disabled" label was probably the hardest adjustment for me to make in my life. Doing this made me feel worthless, a failure, hopeless and suicidal. I had no problems with the process, I was granted disability without a hearing, etc. Overcoming my own thoughts and feelings about this was extremely difficult.

My story is a lot like Jennifer's, in that I had a goal, did the schooling, was thrilled to be "on track," excited about my career and then had my feet knocked out from under me, big time. I've never been able to go back to work, much to my dismay. I was disabled in my late 20's.

I am glad disability was available as a back-up. Otherwise, who knows what might have happened?

My family highly values "hard work," true to the old "Protestant Work Ethic." Anyone out on disability is "suspect" and is cheating the system. I never had any family support for having to live on disability or disabled.

It's tough, psychologically, to apply. Yet, it's meant to be a part of our "safety net." We pay for this disability coverage through taxes.


WC

[BeyondtheRainbow]

The sadness never went away for me but it did go from suicidal depression to just sadness. I still wish I could do what I used to do. But being on SSDI has let me be healthier than ever before. I managed to work with a lot of sedation but eventually a lot of sedation wasn't enough to control my mania/mixed episodes and I needed clozapine. No way could I work on clozapine. But it has given me a year without a major episode, something I didn't know was possible. So I'll choose clozapine over work any day, even though I wish I could work. I'm so thankful that I have SSDI as an option.

[cashart10]

Thank you all for your support. I have a feeling this will just be a new version of me. But, I'm not sure it will be a good one! Outside of mania, which I'm feeling today, what goes up must come down, I feel pure sadness and full of tears. I just pray life will become more joyful.

[hexacoda]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Thank you all for your support. I have a feeling this will just be a new version of me. But, I'm not sure it will be a good one! Outside of mania, which I'm feeling today, what goes up must come down, I feel pure sadness and full of tears. I just pray life will become more joyful.

I hope life will become more joyful for you too. I went on disability at the end of 2011 - I finished college in the summer and got a great job only to lose it because of my illness. I was 31 and I'd had my second bout of psychosis. I had to claim bankruptcy. I was off on disability until 2015 when I got a new wonderful job. It was only temporary and thank goodness disability pay was there for me when I needed time off to get better.

[lilypup]

I went on at 55, but I sort of cheated. I was home with my kids for 20 odd years and did not have to work. So I could be sick and it didn't affect working. (But it did affect my kids.) So I worked a total of 15 years. I too, was goal oriented and was a school principal at age 25. Bipolar and mania took all of that away from me. I am glad to be on ssdi. No way could I work. I embarrassed myself so often at work and I don't have to go through that anymore.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Sent you a pm