[CherryGlazer]

I'd like to keep this informative but as brief as possible, really looking forward to hearing your story! Please use this as a template:

1. What's your diagnosis, and age? Describe your episode history (symptoms, severity, patterns, etc) and sum up some of the defining moments.

2. List the current meds your on (or the combo that you have been on the longest) and how long.

3. What are your primary experiences with how your current treatment affects your illness outcome? (has there been a change in #1)

4. If you could write a super short bio, how would you describe pre-med and post treatment life? How has your life changed (if it has)?

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Thank you!

[CherryGlazer]

My narrative:

1) I am Bipolar, Type II, 23 years.

I used to experience very long severe and low-functioning depressive episodes (months), followed by brief hypomanic episodes (days), followed by severe mixed episodes (days-weeks), and over. No periods of stability, towards the end. It began when I was 16/17 and progressively spiralled by the time I was 20. At it's worst:

Worst of depressive episodes: Thinking about suicide constantly, but not having the energy, to even carry out basic things. Not leaving my room, eating raw spaghetti out of a bag, or not eating at all, peed my bed once, cleaned myself up but didn't change my sheets. I slept on the other end of the bed for, I don't even know how long. Really my lowest, think that perfectly sums up how low functioning it was.

Worst of hypomanic episodes: Believed I could get 90s on my courses during the final week of classes despite having 40 average grades. Thought if I did really well on my last assignments, my profs would see how much of a genius I was, I'd have a bright future, they'd give me stellar recommendations, and there was no doubt in my mind it would go any differently. In my free time, somehow ripped a fence out of the ground at a construction site, tried to set a beer on fire with diesel fuel canister I found there, got chased by a mob of angry dudes living in the houses near it, couldn't see anything wrong with the situation, thought they just didn't get what "fun" was, that I was fun, and they just didn't get it.

Worst of mixed episodes: Believed the guy I was dating was going to die a gruesome death. Didn't have any explanation or logic behind it, yet somehow it made sense. Can't really go too into it, it's still hard to think about. Couldn't sleep, couldn't calm down, was supper agitated and it seemed to stretch on forever.

2)

I take 300 mg Seroquel XR, 75 mg Seroquel Instant Release, and 225 mg Lamotrigine, for the past 2 years.

3)

I'm in partial remission. I still experiences highs and lows, but the severity can't even be compared. To be honest, it's very difficult for me to now, to draw the line between symptoms and normalcy. I experience long stretches of stability (3-5 months), but there are a few times per year...when certain red flags show up...but it's difficult to pathologize it. It's also confusing not just because its less severe, but because these periods don't go on long enough (like they used to) to have a serious impact on my life, and for other people to really notice.

At the end of the day, I don't have much to complain about, because I function. I have a job, I get decent grades, I have good relationships, and a stellar support network. Sometimes things get weird, but living a "normal" life isn't impossible anymore.

4)

Past: Pretty much I was all over the place. All I can say is the memories that burn brightest for me are pre-med, but also the worst memories I've ever had, that I'd like to forget. I was failing school, I was destroying my relationships, my physical health took a toll. But I also did amazing things, rarely, but there were times, where I really lived my life to the fullest. I didn't really have a concrete sense of identity because I'd constantly break down and rebuild. I wasn't very self-aware, I made alot of excuses.

Present: I'm pretty, boring. Don't drink, don't do substances, go to bed at the same time every day. I would have never thought, I would be able to describe myself as "responsible", but I guess I am now. I've had to accept that who I was when I was manic -- I am not that person, as much as I'd love to be at times. I don't try to take the world on over night, but I eventually reach my ambitions in the end, it just takes a lot of time and commitment. Long term stability has given me the chance to mature and grow as an individual, and make plans for the future I am sure to follow through on. I've been able to gradually expand my world-views and the skills that I have, in a way that is permanent. I think people who have known me before, would say I am very different. But 30% of my recovery and "joining the real world" happened so gradually, I don't even know at which point, that happened.

[GoingInside]

1. Bipolar disorder (I was never informed either 1 or 2, but my symptoms match 1), 27.
I've been quite depressed since I was a child but I had plenty of reasons to be sad, the most obvious one having a foreigner estranged father.(left when I was 4) My first major depressive episode only occurred when I was 15. It was really bad, I didn't do anything but be laid down waiting for death. Literally anything, you can imagine the situation, though I won't get in details here otherwise I might get emotional and sad.
After I had already improved w/family support(meaning walking, talking, eating, etc) I was prescribed clonazepam, then paroxetine but they didn't work that well and so I was prescribed citalopram that lead me to my first manic episode ever and me being sent to a mental institution for about 2 months when I was 16(2006). There I was diagnosed and started taking risperidone, biperiden and lithium. Each time antidepressants were reintroduced(after I was only with lithium) I'd get severe, dangerous mania and the cycle would start over and over and over. Only in 2010 I managed to get ridden of this intense mania, my meds were reduced to a minimal carbamazepine dose by other doctor and I was prohibited of taking antidepressants, never prescribed again.

2. In 2010 to 2011 I was changing from lithium to carbamazepine then it was reduced to the dose I still take today, 400mg a day. And that's it.

3.Depression still happens constantly but mania never happened again, though hypomania appears from time to time is not anywhere close to the other awful mania. I still lack some sleep from time to time.

4. Honestly pre-med my life was way better. I got out of the major depressive episode with family support. It was just because I still wasn't back to school that my failed psychologist sent me to a neurologist to prescribe me antidepressants that eventually led me to the manic episode. Afterwards, every time I was rebuilding my life, my then psychiatrist wouldn't think it was enough for "normal" and would try another antidepressant(like fluoxetine and clomipramine) and mania would come back.
In 4 years I developed way more issues than I once had, much more trauma that still haunts me in my nightmares. Frequently I have dreams of being insane, beyond salvation and it just feels like the awful mania to the point I cry in the dream, wake up crying until I realize I'm safe. So pretty much I developed some sort of PTSD. Also I had always felt pretty worthless before, after the meds, mental institution and all these mania episodes I developed a much bigger sense of self rejection, self stigma.
I can only say that this current med makes me feel somewhat safe, but I always wonder, what if. What if I had hold up and never taken the antidepressants in the first place? What if I took my time with only therapy, a different one, since that one wasn't working? What if I just accepted that I was truly sad and had to process all feelings I had hidden away over the years? It's like citalopram turned a switch on and now I have to carry all these painful memories and scars with me forever.

[wildflowerchild25]

1. What's your diagnosis, and age? Describe your episode history (symptoms, severity, patterns, etc) and sum up some of the defining moments.

BP 1, 30 years old. Symptoms of depression started at thirteen. I started self-injuring. I spent my adolescence in hospitals (including the state hospital for children which was horrible) and residential programs. When I went to a high school for emotionally disturbed kids, I stopped ending up in the hospital but I didn't stop being depressed. I remember episodes of anger and irritability but not happiness.

After high school I went to college but fell into severe depression the summer before. Dropped out of college after six weeks, kicked off a full year of severe depression/mixed episode. Got the BP dx at 18, didn't believe it because I was never happy, but i was frequently angry, irritable, and "crawling out of my skin". Culminated a depression/mixed episode so severe I could barely crawl out of bed. Cut myself on the daily. Took extra pills. Didn't eat, just alternated between crying and feeling numb. Suicide attempt. ECT Treatment gave me my life back. I believed that I was cured.

Went to college, got married, had a baby, got a job between 2006-2012. In 2012 symptoms reappeared, and worse than before. I went through hell and put my family through hell for another three years. This was the first time I had a euphoric manic episode. Started to believe bp dx. I became psychotic more than once. Had two more series of ECT, before and after my husband died suddenly. Still fighting today.

2. List the current meds your on (or the combo that you have been on the longest) and how long.
Depakote, Vraylar, Emsam, and Trazadone. This is recent. I was on Invega and Emsam for a year and a half before my prolactin got ridiculously high and i developed EPS. Switched to Latuda in June, horrible reaction, I've been on my current combo only for a little less than a month.

3. What are your primary experiences with how your current treatment affects your illness outcome? (has there been a change in #1)
Now that I'm an active participant in treatment my life is much better.

4. If you could write a super short bio, how would you describe pre-med and post treatment life? How has your life changed (if it has)?

Finding the right med combo saved me. I was horrified that I had to go off of it. Now I'm struggling to find stability again. But I am SO MUCH BETTER on meds than off of them. I was off meds for one week this summer and immediately went into a mixed episode that would have gotten a lot worse if I hadn't been able to get in to see my pnurse. My life has changed significantly since I accepted my dx (finally) and participated actively in treatment. I still have swings, and I always will, but I'm better prepared to deal with them. I haven't been in the hospital since right after my husband died (2 years), I haven't cut myself since Feb 2 2016. I wish I hadn't wasted so much time being stubborn.

[ldymia]

1. Bipolar and PTSD I'm 47 I really think I was bipolar for a long time before doctor said. I went through yeRS of ups and downs and not sleeping. But no one caught on. Doctors didn't care.

2. Geodon 160 milligrams for about 9 years. I'm weaning myself off them so I'm down to 120 milligrams.

3. Lost my health insurance and have no current treatment other then meds I'm running out of. Meds do let me sleep somewhat normal, which is great. Not sure about helping moods because I've been depressed for a month.

4. Premed I was out of control and didn't sleep for days on end. Now I sleep and my life is somewhat normal, other then the depression I'm feeling over events I can't control.

[Miss Laura]

Bipolar type 1 and I'm 32 years old. I started off with a manic episode while away to England for a Wedding in 2009. Manic sever for 4 months then bang into a depression for 7 months before I got diagnosed. Was diagnosed very quickly. Had a one night stand which I would never do normally. Tried to but a one way ticket to America. Psychosis. Sever depression. Suicidal thoughts and feelings. Wrote a suicide note. Attempted suicide 4 times.

2.

Depakote 50mg twice a day 2010

Aririprazole 15mg in the morning 2017

Serequol PRN 2011

Was on Serequol XR and Serequol normal but came off them to go onto Aririprazole.

3. I was med compliant for all of 2016 and half of 2017. Then I thought I could do it alone wasn't bipolar anymore. So was stable but am now on meds for 3 weeks now. I'll never get over this illness to become stable or be in remission or whatever. My mania/depression makes me feel like I'm not bipolar and I can't seem to find peace within myself. I suffer from depression, hypomania, mania and psychosis. Bring rejected from professionals definitely affects my recovery.

4. Life has changed for me as I have went from having a full time well paid job to living on benefits with no job. No one wants to hire me.

Life pre med was hectic but mostly fun. Minus the depression which I covered up with over working and alcohol life was sweet. The mania made life bearable.

Post treatment I'm lonely with no job and very few friends. I'm in a rut with myself and my life. Then there is the dignity that has escaped me. The professionals have been great but I ruin things with my ways. I feel like my life has no meaning but I'm having to brave face it all the time and lie to get through the day. I worry about life like I never use to. My anxieties are sky high and I now have to work with social anxieties along with general anxieties every day